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Keeping Up With The Kardashians Kreeps Its Way Into Season 13

And we're as unlucky as ever to be part of it.

Good Lord. Is the break really over? As the premiere date of Lucky Season 13 approached, did you, like me, feel a shiver up your spine? This question was among many that emerged from the morass as I tuned in to keep up with these krazy people. A sampling of the rest:

How do we feel about this new editorial style?

Was it just me or did this feel like an upgraded style of shooting? Like, it felt more documentarian and "real," but...that could just be them trying to mess with us. My level of paranoia is so high that I'm imagining the multiple meetings where they decided to cut the music between segments, change how they use B-roll footage, have fewer prompted conversations on camera, etc., because starting next week they're going to roll out Kim's Parisian Terror.

So, if they maintain this serious(-ish) tone, could this be considered a sort of rebranding of the franchise? Or, to take another angle, a signal that the family is considering going off the air? Could we be looking at a farewell in our lifetimes? Could it be, as the ep title suggests, "Time To Dash"? I have wondered this since the robbery. Not that I really think it was fake, but several in the family hadn't been shy in dropping hints prior to that incident that they'd like less time in the glare, and it's a convenient jumping off point for a new direction for the whole klan. Sub-Q: is it possible I've put too much thought into it, dreaming of a future in which we are all free? Let me have hope about this one thing.

Who else thought DASH closed a long time ago?

Kim and Khloe are ready to move on; stores are played out; they've gotten all they can get out of them publicity- and profit-wise. Kourtney, the one out of the whole family with the least hustle, has some major part of her identity wrapped up in the stores, with a heavy dose of sentimentality around the fun times she and her sisters had building them together in the beginning.

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Since Kim is a human serpent, it had not occurred to her to see an opportunity to sell the stores as anything other than a business deal, so Kourney's feelings come as a revelation to her even as Khloe rips a reality strip out of Kourtney's hide (with an assist from Kim, giving the most spot-on impression of Kourtney's voice and flat affect possible).

Did Kanye need this commercial?

Look. I know Kanye is whatever, but REMEMBER WHEN? No, he was cool once, I'm telling you, and it wasn't that long ago. Then his mom died and he kind of got wrapped up in some stuff, clearly lost his mind in this fashion game -- which might prove he's perfectly suited to be in that business, I can't even tell -- and now he's a circus klown in the center ring of the Kardashian show.

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Kanye struggles to get his art out in a way that realizes his vision. I find him to be a sympathetic character because of this, but I still think he needs like, a LONG nap and some STRONG advice. Sir, do whatever it takes to get back in with Beyoncé. You are of like minds! She will lead you! And I hope the first place she leads you is away from your flesh-tone sweatsuits. Anyway, this whole paragraph was supposed to be about Kim's near nudity (as she gyrates next to her nephew, Mason) and glowing salesmanship about the Saint Pablo Tour floating stage and house party atmosphere. As if Kim has ever been to a house party in her life, but okay. Were ticket sales down for this thing, or something? Otherwise, why would he even let her film the Miami show? The thing felt like some Trump inauguration bragging.

Won't somebody think of the children?

Cute little baby Reign had to sit there, just trying to watch his Mickey Mouse, probably, and listen to his infantile parents finally KLUE IN on their absolutely terrible life skills and pathetic excuse for adult communication. Bleakly, he's like, "Hey, Daddy," and then stares straight ahead while Scott and Kourtney have a ten-minute convo about they really want to go out without each other sometimes and not worry what the other one is doing. Why won't you idiots just get married and be done with it? Kourtney's pattern is to stay limply attentive to things in her life -- DASH, Scott, probably all her friends -- until she feels them beginning to pull away, and then latch hard onto them. Ol' Vuitton Man Purse over here hasn't met a demon he didn't want to make his BFF. They've had a decade to grow up or get off the pot and, even if their whole nonsense game IS all for the cameras, it's just time for each of them to find some individual fulfillment and get ON with it.

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