Keeping Up With The Kardashians Keeps Ruining Kool Places

This week it's Palm Springs. Next week, your grandma's house.

This week, I attempt the impossible and try to choose the worst moments of the embarrassingly named "Classic Cars and Vintage Eggs," which is embarrassing because that's actually what the whole thing is about, and I'm sad for the person who had to edit it. Anyway, with deep shame, I rank them down from "dang" to "dreck."

  1. P is all of us.
    If you think kids don't see and hear everything you do, watch Penelope when Kim and Kourtney have their fake conversation about going away for the weekend. This little child's head whips around so fast, either because she realizes she's about to be dragged on yet another "fun" family trip or her mom is about to go away again. When Kim's like, "We'll make it funnnn, no kiiiiiids," and P says "NO!" it is confirmed that she's worried about the latter. I wish one time I could be like a Kardashian and not kare when my kid is krying about me leaving.
  2. Rob is the worst.
    The way he talks to his mom should result in his immediate incarceration. And for his subsequent crimes against the English language every time he uses his shamefully put-on "street" accent to say "between Chyna and I," he should receive hard labor for life. I'm so revolted by him, I'm out here feeling sorry for Kris -- and she's the one who made him like this! She's the one who has had him on TV, where he clearly does NOT want to be, and has treated him like some kind of golden child when he actually sucks and is evil.

    The only thing that saves Rob from the burn pile is his and Khloe's little joke about Cornelius, Rob's imaginary childhood friend, who even shows up in Palm Springs to help Khloe shop when her sisters ignore her. That was actually quite funny, until I started worrying Rob might actually believe Cornelius is real…

  3. Everybody walk the dinosaur.
    Who is the poor PA who has to comb through every hour of Kardashian family home movies to come up with plots that will tie the modern day to their beloved childhoods? The entire pitch for this episode was "they used to drive to Palm Springs for vacation and pass these dinosaurs, soooo..." And all the dead-eyes in the room looked up from their phones and, in unison, flatlined, "Yeah."

    I did enjoy the little nod to the controversy about Kim's butt when Khloe fondled the ass of a T-Rex and said "Look, Kim. It's squishy." Either Executive Producer Kim Kardashian has a secret sense of humor or Khloe is the devil, or both. It doesn't matter, because those three fleeting seconds of amusement were gone soon enough.

  4. Run, Jamel!
    Is Life Coach Jamel coming soon to his own show on E!? I can only assume. Well, if he and his diamond earrings and his blazer can coach Rob into being an entirely different person, he'll deserve his own show. I immediately rescind this offer when he starts fist-bumping Rob for every single thing he says and does, but look, I'll deal with that when I'm writing posts about Jam On It: Jamel, Ya Coach My Life or whatever it's going to be called. That doesn't have to be the title, but shouldn't it be? Show me the money, E! (In spite of his presence on this show, I do love Jamel for apparently creating the concept of, if I understood it correctly, spiritual dehydration, the symptoms of which are extreme thirst, a problem with which everyone in this family is eternally afflicted.
  5. Kourtney behind the wheel.
    If Kourtney is such a bad driver, why is she driving everywhere? Also, SHE'S NEVER HEARD OF A CHEVY BEL AIR. Yes, I wish they all could be Kalifornia girls, not having a clue about a genuine American icon… I hate these people and assume all of this was designed to give the cameras a reason to zoom in on Kim's and Khloe's asses as the camera crew hangs on on the side of the highway and they push an enormous car with no power steering about three yards to the curb.

    Haven't we been subjected to them ENOUGH?

  6. Ding-dong.
    That's the sound of the doorbell at former home of the Kardashian grandparents where these fools show up uninvited, and the sound of our brains rapidly degenerating to a lizard state.

    I guess it's sweet that they have such nice memories of a time when their lives were more normal and fun, but then again, it's not sweet because it's them. Okay, it's sort of sweet. I don't know. I started to feel like I was having a feeling when they talked about swimming in the pool. This is why I need Jamel.

  7. Broken eggs.
    Okay. What? Pretend every SINGLE word of this in quotes: A royal family asks Kris for some of her eggs because she produces such amazing children. Where to begin? She's in her sixties. Royal families don't request eggs from celebrities through the mail. If they did, would they start with Kris? She implies the "royal" family is European, which… What's the tackiest country in Europe? ALSO: thank goodness our queen Janet Jackson lives on the moon, because if she didn't, I'm sure she would not appreciate being referred to as being "in her mid-50s." She's 51. Numbers are things! Fifty-one is not 61, and if Janet's eggs were even hers, surely they came out of cold storage to make her beautiful son. BUT FORGET ALL THAT, GOD, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL A LIE AND IT'S STUPID. They had to get a medical doctor to explain on TV that Kris cannot "make an egg" when that's not how any of this works and every one of them should be arrested for participating in a sham that only further perpetuates confused information about women's bodies and how they work.
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