Keeping Up With The Kardashians Keeps Keeping On In Wake Of Paris Robbery
And now even Katy Perry is in the mix?
I'd like to buy the world a Pepsi to cleanse our collective palate from what we just watched. But, you know, they're all sold out. Instead, let's rank down this family's latest exploits counting backwards from "aw" to "awful."
- The Cuteness Of All These Kids
Reign. Saint. P. Dream. They have names that don't really make sense, but they are all adorable. I just want to hold on to these moments…so that when we hate them in 20 years we can remember the good times.
- The Wisdom of Katy Perry
When Kim manages somehow to gather her wits to see Kanye's concert at The Forum (owned by her "aunt and uncle," the Irving Azoffs, she feels compelled to point out as if she's going to a backyard barbecue and not an enormous concert venue) she does so as casually as possible. So casually that, even in this fragile time of family crisis, Kris can't help but point out that she's wearing a t-shirt as a dress and seems to low-key imply that it's not working. No doubt Kim will look back on this fashion choice, among her other struggles to readjust to the limelight, as just more water under a Parisian bridge. "Everything is a lesson," notes backstage sage Katy Perry in the green room. "Everything. A lesson, lesson, lesson." You're asking yourself, "How could the person who gave us 'If you only knew what the future holds/After a hurricane comes a rainbow,' and 'I wanna see your peacock, cock, cock/Your peacock, cock. Your peacock, cock' offer up such empty platitudes?" The answer lies within a lesson I've yet to learn.
- The Ennui Of Kim
My God, that wig. Anyone would be depressed, constantly adjusting it and moving it and stroking it. How many Arabian horses had to die? No wonder she's exhausted. Other than this non-stop Cher impression she's attempting and failing to pull off, I like Chill Kim.
Or, I can't help asking myself, is all of the Paris stuff and subsequent Kanye breakdown (which they have now teased for three weeks and have yet to expand upon) all much ado about nothing because it never happened in the first place? I don't really think so, but I've got to always be leaving one foot in konspiracy mode.
- The Loyalty Of Khloe
Whatever therapy Khloe has been going to for whatever reasons she has gone, it is working. She's mad Bruce was "taken away" and that no one acknowledged she would have feelings about that. She's upset at the way her mom was treated by Caitlyn during the transition and isn't going to quickly get over it. And…she's kind of through and not interested in faking it until she makes it with the new family dynamic. I mean, maybe this is all played for the cameras. Her arms-length stance on Caitlyn and their meeting to sort things out felt contrived on Cait's part, certainly, but either way, Khloe seems clear-eyed on her personal real place in Caitlyn's new life, which is that she has none and she DGAF about it.
- The Specter Of Robert Sr.
Has a week gone by this season where he hasn't been at least the C-plot? Again, I don't want to drag them for loving their dad -- I also love my late father -- but what is this? Do they miss him even more lately because of the absence of Bruce? Is it a dig at Caitlyn that they talk so much about RK, Sr. but never about her in the same reverent tones? In that case…
- The Tone-Deafness Of Caitlyn
I am one thousand percent for the rights for all human beings to live their truest lives, but every part of Cait's transition has been a molten hot mess. Am I wrong? Like, this phone call to Kris to talk about Khloe's cool reception of her at Kendall's birthday…maybe Kris doesn't care what would mean a lot to you? Or whether or not you're sensitive? Maybe you feel abandoned by your family because you are out here acting like everyone should just draft in your new lane while you lounge with the glam squad?
Or maybe my entire reading of this is wrong. Is Caitlyn just awkward on camera? Is this the only way she's allowed to speak to the kids she raised like her own (or better, actually) for 25 years? Is it unfair to get caught up in her look and miss the real message of what she's saying? Hmm. Let me look back over it. That message is, and I'm paraphrasing: "I'm upset that you're not paying attention to me." ...Yeah, no. I'm good.
- The Evil Of Kourtney
Are she and Scott back together? Will they ever be? Were they having sex on the Mexico vacation? Either Kourtney doesn't get or doesn't care how she's coming off to the world, or they've invented all of Scott's problems since the beginning for the show and have never been apart. I don't care which one it is, because I am choosing to believe that he is, in fact, a recovering addict but that she is going to punish him for his misdeeds until the end of time. And that, as much as she is capable of loving a person she is not related to by blood, she just sort of half-loves him and that the closest he'll ever come to getting back in her house is that she lets him live in her guest home or something when she's not using it to store extra furniture. And to that, I say more power to her. I've not given up entirely on ol' Artisanal Cheese over here, but it feels like maybe Kourtney has.