Indian Royalty Visits Calabasas In Futile Attempt To Provide Perspective On Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Don't worry, everyone misses the point.

Jay Leno, for some reason. Kim "reads" Cait's book and has feelings. Kendall goes to India and meets a gay. Penelope eats ice cream with her aunts, who are wearing fur coats. Rob is a misogynist. Kourtney informs us of her apparently flawless menstrual cycle. Kris buys some sheep and is visited by royalty. I am reminded that at least 30 percent of this show is shots of L.A. Khloe and a conveniently on-call chiropractor inflict menstrual cramps upon Rob. Cait gifts us with a spectacular eye-roll, the sort one would only have occasion to perfect if they spent two decades with these assholes.

Help yourself to a watermelon and a Givenchy track suit -- here are the Kardashian/Jenners in all their glory, ranked in order from least vapid to...Kardashian.

  1. Kendall

    I am still mad at Kendall for the Pepsi commercial, and I like to remain consistent in my rage, so just know that it pains me to put her here in the ranking. In India, she moves her arms around in weird positions (MODELING), and meets a prince who informs her that it's hard to be gay in India. When she informs her sisters of this, Meaningful Piano Music plays, indicating that this will be a Thing. In case you needed a reminder that KUWTK is the Seinfeld of reality shows (it's about nothing), Kourtney quickly changes the subject from Cait being brave and living her truth to matcha.

    Kendall is the third person in this episode to ask Kim if she read all of Cait's book, and while she's upset about the content, she's super...reasonable about it? Before attempting to casually walk away with a watermelon, she tells Kris that she doesn't think that Cait meant to be mean or lie about their marriage, but that she thinks this is how it all happened, although she's still bewildered by the fact that Cait is "dissing" (make it stop) the kids that she raised. The way Cait perceived and experienced their marriage isn't her fault, and if she's stressed about it, she should disengage, but that she and Kylie don't need to be protected anymore. Then she struggles out from under Kris's make-up face (metaphor) and goes back to her condo, where she probably takes a nap under the art inspired by someone's ex-boyfriend's 22-centimeter penis.

  2. Khloe

    Khloe is in bed wearing all her makeup and feeling the pain of contracting ovaries when Rob informs her that menstruation is for lazy people, and it makes him uncomfortable. Because she has a chiropractor on speed dial, she summons her to come by and simulate cramps for Rob, who twitches and moans and acquiesces that it's bad. Khloe seems virtually uninvolved in the Cait/Kris drama, and her whole focus in this episode is on Rob and his not thinly veiled dicketry, which is fine with me. The fact that she was probably prone with a hot water bottle while numerous people applied her makeup = not fine.

  3. Rob

    The menstrual cycle doesn't sit well with Rob, folks, so we should all stop doing it so he doesn't have to hear about it or experience PTSD from the time a lady came over and they banged and then she "period-ed" all over the bed. Rob is vile. Why are women having sex with him? Can we all agree to Lysistrata his ass?

    Khloe refers to Rob's desire to have a chill day and opt out of exercise as his "meriod," which I guess is better than throat-punching him, but if you can't throat-punch your misogynist brother, who can you throat-punch? After being hooked up to some electrodes, Rob decides (for now) that women are not crazy bitches who just whine and complain about all manner of vaginal things in order to get out of important tasks like putting on their own makeup. I hate Rob.

  4. Kris

    Kris bought some weird bronzed sheep because she is wilted and alone and persecuted. Only Kris and Cait know what really happened while they were married, and everyone's attempts to encapsulate both of their versions of it just prove confusing and exhausting, although I'm sure someone out there is creating a flowchart/Venn diagram with the "facts." Kris tells Kim she doesn't understand why Cait didn't tell her about her "gender dysphoria" before they got married so she could decide if she wanted to deal with the same thing her ex-wives did, and Kim is like, oh my god, right? Sorry, Kris, that's not how coming out works.

    Kris and Prince Manvendra, whom Kendall met in the India and has been conscripted into dealing with Kardashians this week, discuss how he handled being married and gay, which Kris decides was way better than how Cait dealt with it, even though he was married for 16 months instead of 20 years, but feels that it's "liberating" to hear about a situation that is similar to hers. To be clear: it must suck to learn that someone you loved and who apparently loved you was experiencing things exactly the opposite of how you were the entire time you were together, but there is no question that she expects the girls to take her side in this situation, and there is also no way Kris is blameless in any of the scenarios that Cait "wrote" about. Also, every time anyone says "book," I think of Cop Without A Badge, so thanks for nothing, Jenner.

  5. Kim

    Kim tells Cait that she will "read" her book "from start to finish," by which I assume she means she will have someone else (North?) read it to her. By the time she meets with Kourtney, who is astonished that Kim doesn't think Kris was overreacting to the content, she has read it. How much time has passed? Is Kim a savant? How long is this damn book? Why are we getting a close up of silver things in a bowl?

    Kim seems to have retained enough information to declare that Cait is angry at Kris, and that she's discredited all the work Kris did to make Cait's career ("It's not called Keeping Up with the Jenners!" Give it a minute.) Kim has all sorts of fancy sentences she enjoys throwing at this situation, including "She's building herself up and tearing us down!" and "Have some class!" She also maintains that Cait has never apologized to Kris, which I'm pretty sure is untrue, she did apologize to her at some point during I Am Cait, which is now cancelled as fuck.

    The sisters wear denim while Prince Manvendra tells them about how his parents disinherited him when he came out and people burned effigies of him in the streets, which the Kardashians can all totally understand, because they've been on the cover of US Weekly. Prince Manvendra waited until he and his wife (it was an arranged marriage) divorced to come out to her, which Kim thinks is just delightful. "It’s really commendable, he was sensitive to her experience." Shut. Up. Immediately. Kris deciding that she might have to let "it" (Cait's version of events, I guess?) go is at least a gesture at decentering herself from all this, even if it's an empty one and we'll be back here next week, but Kim can't, for one second, recognize that the situation re: Cait coming out and collateral damage is complicated and there was probably nothing "right" that could have been done. I've written this sentence before I feel it in my brittle, old-lady bones. This is futility.

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