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From Gun Control To Reproductive Rights, Keeping Up With The Kardashians Engages With The Issues

Al Lowe has given up trying to deny that this show is what the world needs now.

"Time" in the world of the Kardashians hasn't yet caught up with the world in which we now live. This stuff they're talking through their noses about happened, like, six weeks ago, so these innocent babies haven't even gotten to the point where 1) Khloe is dating a new basketball player; 2) Kim is robbed at gunpoint; or 3) a carrot-faced, Biff-brained, shark-suited Roxbury Guy who thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived was elected by the idiocracy -- in which we live, and to which the Kardashians are major contributors -- to be the leader of the free world.

What's going to get us through the next four years -- the years in which Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin will finally have their say? Should we turn to the teachings of the great peacekeepers and theologians? MLK Jr.? Gandhi? Mother Teresa? Should we rise up like the changemakers who carried our nation on their backs? George Washington? Barack Obama? Hillary Fucking Clinton?

Nah. We're going to ride this out like Real Americans. When you, in your darkest hour, wonder where you can turn to alleviate your fear and pain, look no further than E!, the Entertainment Channel, which has been providing us the answer to our most pressing concerns now for more than a decade: Stay Numb, and Be Dumb. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It's working so far for the Kardashians! Are you asking how you, too, can rally yourself to get on board with this plan to Make America Grate Again? If you watched last night, you've already started! Here now is my three-point plan to go forward living like a Kardashian under the new regime because, hell, what else are we gonna do?

Have Lunch With The Issues

Kendall is like, concerned, about gun violence, and her sisters agree: it's totally bad, you guys. So, they "set up" a luncheon with people affected by gun violence, gathering together some very prominent anti-violence names (the saddest distinction in American life) to see how they can help. Lord knows what they came up with, because we learn absolutely nothing except that they're upset about it. Which I guess is good, since it's really goddamn upsetting, though I suppose we won't have to worry about it from now on since the entire nation will be living in a police state modeled on the philosophies of Pol Pot. Anyway, a good way to support the grieving and scared is to invite them to lunch and stare at your phone for an hour while they cry. See y'all at the homeless shelter! Bring your own salad.

Liiiiiike, Learn About Your Reproductive Rights

Kim may want to have a few more kids, but is afraid her body can't take it. She must have had difficult pregnancies if she's giving up that Baby Bump Body After Baby Snapback Us Weekly money. Did it cause me, an adoptive parent, a moment of anguish when she said, about possibly using a surrogate, that her main worry was that she would love a child less that she didn't carry in her own body? Not really. If it's possible to love a child more than I love my daughter, I don't want to know about it, because as it is I can hardly live. But it did cause me to bite through a sofa cushion when Kim vapidly repeated this concern over and over again, particularly to the mom of twins via surrogate, suggesting that her "hell and back" pregnancies made her a more connected mother. The poor twin lady...her face...she should win an award for physical and mental strength.

Can you even imagine being the surrogate for Kim Kardashian's baby? Who would do it?! Kanye's daily visits? Kim's petty coolness and jealousy? Now that I think about it, Kim actually might be a person who could not love a child that didn't come from her own body...because I don't think she can relate to something that is not trying to get into or out of it. She shouldn't do this.

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Understand How History Totes Repeats Itself

They got me during the planning for the MJ "legacy" video. Here's an opportunity to learn the deep, hidden dreams and secrets about their family matriarch -- things all people carry inside themselves and often never have the opportunity to reveal because, once you get old, no one asks. And, MJ seems ready to share. (Also, ready to troll: her dragging of Kim's seventy-two-day marriage is an evergreen gift.) Seeing Kris cry about how her mom is her best friend and how much she loves her; and hearing MJ say that one of her most treasured possessions is Kris's baby pictures...they got me. But then they had to go and almost ruin it by allowing the granddaughters to ask the questions. "How many people have you slept with?" Come on, Kendall. Maybe ask what she thinks about her granddaughters being unable to just sit on a piece of furniture? Why does everything have to be a bed? Why are you wearing heels with cutoffs?

Ask some real shit. This lady was born in 1934: she has lived through some scary, amazing, incredible stuff, not even including her family's bizarre rise to fame. Ask her how she feels about any of it or, frankly, how she, as a woman, survived all that history with any semblance of grace, because, well, that information would come in handy right about now.

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