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Ask The Unconventional Twins Of Jessica Jones

Jessica Jones's upstairs neighbors answer all the questions you were afraid to ask.

Q Dear Twin Siblings In A Dom-Sub Relationship,

Ugh! My mom just doesn't get it! Every morning she sends me to school with a little-boy sack lunch, even though I've told her over and over that all the cool kids buy pizza dogs from the café counter. I'm not a child anymore; I'm eleven years old! How can I get her to stop humiliating me??

- Mason

A Dear Mason,

You might not think a grown-up like me can understand the things you're going through, but be assured that I know just how you feel. I live with my twin sis, and she really gets my goat sometimes too! (Don't tell her I said that. Seriously. Please. I'm begging you.)

Anyway, trust me when I tell you this: one day, you'll realize that everything your mom does that embarrasses you comes from a place of love. When she packs you that PB&J, it's because she wants you to take a little piece of her to school with you. When she slips up and calls you her "baby," it's because she still remembers how wonderful it felt to bring you home from the hospital and introduce you to the world. And when she strips you down to your underwear and fuzzy handcuffs and makes you lap up a bowl of tepid milk in front of a room full of party guests, it's because...well, I haven't actually figured that one out yet but I know it's very important and it gets me a night off from sleeping in the closet.

Q Dear Twin Siblings In A Dom-Sub Relationship,

I've been BFFs with the same guy for ten years. We've seen each other through good and bad, laughed and cried together, but things between us have always been 100% platonic. Now he's dating a wonderful new woman and he thinks she might be the one...and I couldn't be happier for him...but I also feel kind of panicked and threatened? What's wrong with me?

- Lisa

A Dear Lisa,

My brother is busy scrubbing my workout thongs with a toothbrush, so I'll field this one.

Listen! There's nothing wrong or bad about what you're feeling. You've invested a lot in this relationship, and it's okay to have a pretty strong reaction to the idea that some of your responsibilities might be taken over by the new lady in his life.

Sure, people will try to tell you that you're secretly in love with him and you're holding him back from living his life and it's not healthy and you really need to be in therapy...but they're going to need to be in therapy after you knock their fucking teeth out!

Whew, sorry! Got a little carried away there. The bottom line, Lisa, is that you have nothing to worry about. Your friendship is built on a rock-solid foundation, and it's not going to be undone by some slutty rando from Tinder (which, by the way, how did he even get on Tinder after you had your coke dealer's hacker friend install that blocking software on his phone?). I'm sure this pushup-bra-wearing whore does a great job of entertaining your friend in the bedroom, but is she really going to stay up all night reading comforting Bible passages to him when he's crying because he wet the bed again? I think not.

Q Dear Twin Siblings In A Dom-Sub Relationship,

After almost ten years of working in the trenches as a technician at my IT firm, I finally got a promotion to middle management -- and all of a sudden, I'm in charge of fifteen employees! I'm finding it really hard to supervise them effectively without seeming like "that" boss, but the people above me expect results, and I could be out the door tomorrow if I don't get my team to meet their quota. How can I whip them into shape without totally alienating them?

- Connie

A Dear Connie,

First off, I don't know if you meant "whip" literally -- but if so, there are all literally dozens of things you can use that will get the job done without leaving a lasting mark, as my own oft-chastened-but-immaculate body can attest to. Be creative!

More generally, though, I think you're facing a very common problem. People tend to think that there are only two kinds of bosses -- slavedrivers and pushovers. The slavedrivers get results, but their employees hate them; the pushovers are everyone's buddy, but they're ineffectual.

This couldn't be further from the truth! My sister is a great example of a person who can "take charge" and yet still be totally caring and understanding. Just the other day, she caught me talking to a man on the phone who claimed to be a "state-appointed case worker" but whom I later learned was actually a dangerous con artist. There's a standard punishment for situations like this one -- I have to stand naked in the bathroom, memorizing pages from the dictionary and gargling with hot sauce every ninety seconds -- but since it really was just an honest mistake on my part, my sister took pity on me and let me listen to music while I was doing all that. Boy, hearing that one Smash Mouth song on repeat really made the two hours fly by! After I was done, it was time to give sis her nightly tongue-pedicure, and I made sure to do an extra-good job since she'd been so nice to me.

So there's your recipe for being an effective leader: mix one cup of authority with a teaspoon of sympathy and a dash of fun, and you'll be cooking up a productive workforce in no time!

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