Katie Yu / The CW

iZombie Tries To Keep The (Undead) Cat In The Bag

This is good for some of our favorite characters, and bad for others.

It's nice when shows make no bones about their willingness to slough off storylines! iZombie dumps a lot of plotlines in its season premiere, which picks up just moments after Season 2's grisly finale. Max Rager is blown up (good riddance), and all our main players fill the others in on everything they've spent the last two seasons lying about. It's a crisp way to indicate that this season won't be like those previous, and it provides everyone a chance to jockey for position in this new iZombie order.

So, who's down in the dumps and who's starting the season on top? Let's rank it out.

  1. Ravi
    Do you remember the Ravi of Season 1, the one who shut down Liv's dismissiveness of his chances with Peyton with a self-assured reminder that he's a doctor with a great head of hair? I miss that guy: the Ravi we see here is kiiind of creepy, admittedly stuck in a mental loop of Peyton having sex with Blaine.

    Even worse, Ravi's self-sabotaging, snittily refusing to pick up when she calls him for help. So, let me get this straight, Ravi, you're mad at Peyton, with whom you are not involved, for sleeping with a man who she thought at the time was a contrite former criminal seeking justice? That mode of thinking was passé when you were fiddling with your Little Tykes Play Lab, let alone now. Get over it.

    And, finally, there's Ravi's seeming inability to see the other applications of his memory loss drug! Yeah, it's great that he can use it on the seventeen zombies he might be able to cure (assuming that memory loss is actually a side effect, as we'll explore more in a minute), but what about the millions of other people suffering from neurological issues who could be saved?

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    See, Ravi, you keep thinking small, and this is why you're at the bottom of the list.

  2. Liv
    It's not Liv's fault that she's hanging on by a thread -- or more accurately, by the effects of stone-cold Max Rager security staffer Janko's brain. She was just forced to kill my beloved Drake, an experience that would shake anyone, then still had to keep things together enough to head to Fillmore Graves (ha ha get it?) to grill Vivian Stoll on her assertion that Seattle was about the be ground zero for the zombie homeland.

    On the plus side, Vivian wasn't saying that zombies were about to go 28 Days Later on the people of Seattle, but on the negative, Liv is now looking at Stoll's plan to "self-segregate" on some island in about a year and a half. Though she doesn't bring it up at the time, seperating from society and her still-living friends sounds like an awful fate for our heroine!

  3. Peyton
    Look, I like Peyton, and I think she is a good friend and seems (sex with a source aside) like a sharp attorney. And yet, she freaks out and starts calling people begging them to come over when she gets a couple "ugly" and "scary" Twitter @s? Girl, you were just kidnapped by a crime lord, and you can't handle some shitty mentions? Nearly everyone contributing to the site you're reading right now has had their lives Twitter-threatened by a TV fan who took offense at something we wrote, and none of us went down our contacts list seeking company. Buck up.

    And buck up before you call Blaine...oh, dammit. Look, Peyton and Blaine have nice chemistry, but she now knows Blaine's horrible history, so there's no excuse for her frequent visits and calls. Surely Peyton knows that sociopaths are often extremely charming, so why is she blind to this fact when it comes to Blaine? I'm not saying that this is a preposterous story line -- all women have been brainwashed to a certain extent by Beauty And The Beast, and we can't expect fictional women to do any better. But I hope she snaps out of it soon.

  4. Clive
    How wonderful it must be for Clive to learn that it's not some bogus psychic power that's been allowing Liv to help him solve crimes, it's the scientifically explainable consumption of brains! I know I sound like I'm being tongue-in-brain-filled-cheek, but, seriously. I hate the scammy nature of so-called psychics with a fiery passion, and believe they are vultures who prey on grief and pain. I'm happy for Clive that he can drop his (admittedly kind and consistent, especially compared to the constant skepticism Allison experienced from all sides over six years of Medium) belief in psychic phenomena, and I'm sure he is, too.

    It must also be great to finally have an explanation for all those times Liv acted wack (brains) and all those times Ravi and Liv stopped talking and acted super-sketch when Clive entered the morgue. His compassion for her suffering over shooting Drake is quite moving, and I'm glad he gets her drunk.

    And while my heart broke for Clive when he realizes that his young friend Wally had been killed by InfoWars readers anti-undead forces, his immediate resolve to find the culprit on his own time reminded me why I've missed him so much over the break. Not just driven by a desire to avenge Wally's death, Clive also wants to protect his other friends from an investigation that could fatally unmask the city's zombie community.

  5. Blaine
    Do you guys really think Blaine is suffering from memory loss or, like Don E., do you think he's faking it all to prevent his clients from being cured and to get with Peyton? I guess it doesn't really matter: for now Blaine is on top, singing pitchily to "Smooth" as he works in the funeral home that Don finally admitted Blaine owns.

    Blaine's also got the protection of Seattle PD, who are obscuring from the media his role on the death of the four men who were holding Peyton at gunpoint. And even better, his only nemesis, Stacey Boss, is hiding out in a far-off non-extradition country, presumably never to return. Add to that Peyton's lingering glances, and everything's coming up Blaine!

    But how long will that continue? After all, Don's now defrosting Blaine's dreadful dad and planning on crushing his business. And then there's Stoll, who says that her husband (his name is Hamilton, should it come up again) was scratched by a zombie who then extorted him in exchange for brains...and, she believes, killed her beloved spouse when he told his scratcher he'd get his meals another way.

    When Stoll tells Liv, Major, and Clive that tale, they don't react, but surely they realize that she's talking about Blaine. Will one of them end up diming Blaine out to Vivian when Blaine takes his inevitable turn back to the dark side?

  6. Major
    I'll admit it: Major's appearance at the top of this list might be partly attributable to wishful thinking, but he also merits a top slot as "most improved." This poor motherfucker has gone from social working golden boy to bemused dumpee to conspiracy-spouting vigilante to unwilling zombie to secret kidnapper in the last two seasons -- a far more horrific journey than anyone but, perhaps, Liv (who saw not one, but two lovers die before her eyes). Cleared as the Chaos Killer after the victims were released with a cover story, he's still got the opinion of vandals and baristas to deal with...

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    And he's having trouble finding a job, maybe because this is how he searches for employment in the 21st century:

    The CW

    But now, finally, no one's lying to him and he's not lying to everyone else, for the first time in the show's history. Can you imagine how freeing that must be, after the months of darkness, compartmentalization, and torment? Sure, he still has Natalie to find and lungs that, any day, might start filling with fluid, but he's finally gotten a job where he can be himself -- both zombie and fitness enthusiast -- and be on the front lines to protect Liv, Ravi, and everyone else he cares about. Come on, let poor Major hang on to this win, at least for a little bit.

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