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Eating A Guru's Brain Doesn't Make Anyone More Mindful On iZombie

Bad judgment calls? iZombie's got 'em!

Here's a bit of inside baseballery you may or may not be interested in: I first watched the critics' screener for this episode a few weeks ago, but when I sat down today to rewatch it, I'd almost completely forgotten the mystery of the week.

Did I, too, take the zombie cure and lose my memory? Nope, it's just that this week's homicide -- a venture capitalist turned mindfullness guru slain by his former business partner -- is so unremarkable that it didn't merit a spot in my still-living brain. Fortunately, we had hearty interpersonal drama to see us through this week, including the revelation that Ravi (unlike Major) doesn't wax his chest.

Also unlike Major, Ravi continues to make a mess of his life this week -- even worse than before! In fact, almost everyone makes terrible mistakes this episode. Let's start with the least offensive character and count down to the absolute biggest screw-up.

  1. Liv
    After two seasons of strife, Liv's been getting a break so far this season, with tonight's episode continuing the trend. Her consumption of the slain meditator's brain doesn't cause more than the occasional hippy-dippy statement to come from her mouth -- she doesn't even have any visions! So, she's basically any other West Coast fruitcake.

    Liv's biggest crime, in my book, is bitching about almond milk. Almond milk is delicious, Liv, and if the kind you're drinking tastes bad, make your own! I know you have a Vitamix; I've seen you use it on brains before. All you need is filtered water, soaked almonds, and cheesecloth to separate out the hulls. I'm hella lazy and I make my own almond milk every week, it is NOT THAT HARD.

    Oh, Christ, who sounds a West Coast fruitcake now? Me, that's who. Anyway, Liv is fine, homemade almond milk is the bomb, the end.

  2. Major
    Everything's coming up Major this week! After a rocky start at Fillmore Graves merc school, he's starting to hold his own -- and he even made friends with undead an former DJ named Jeremy!

    However, Major's developed a nasty cough, which we know is the first sign of cure fail. Ravi confirms his deterioration, saying that Major only has weeks (if that) before his situation becomes untenable. Then he'll have to take the cure, possibly losing his memory if 1) Blaine isn't making the whole thing up, which I still 60% think he is, and 2) Ravi's side-effect-resolving serum works, and doesn't have side effects of its own.

    The contrivance that annoys me here is the false ticking clock of Natalie's recovery. Major seems to think that without his memory, he won't be able to fulfill his promise to the (abducted?) Natalie...and his one lead is, Blaine says, on vacation for at least a week. Putting aside my skepticism with everything Blaine says: like, so what if the guy is gone for a week? Why would Major's memory loss impede his ability to find Natalie? Can't he just take notes on what he knows so far? She's a call girl, so there are surely pictures of her out there, right? Why not just make a dossier on the investigation to this point, get the shot, and pick up where he left off with his notes' help? I'd certainly do it sooner rather than later, otherwise why waste all that time learning merc stuff he's bound to forget?

  3. Clive
    The demands of the investigation into Topher's death apparently take up all the time Clive would otherwise have spent solving Wally's murder, since neither the dead tyke nor the Alt-Anti-Z vigilantes apparently loose in Seattle gets a single mention.

    Or maybe Clive's working on it offscreen, and that's why this week's investigation seems so sloppy? Clive doesn't seem to find suspect an allegedly homeless guy who claimed he saw the suspect and then disappeared, when it turns out the man was the murderer in disguise. (I guess it's nice that Seattle PD doesn't automatically assume the vagrant did it, the way many cops would?)

    Clive's also made his peace with Liv's dietary needs, telling her "you have a little lunch" so he can solve the case. Hmm, maybe having Liv's visions has made Clive's actual investigative skills rusty and that's why, in the absence of visions, he was slow to make a solve?

  4. Puget's Own Seafood
    Sure, the whole "evidence in the dumpster" thing is a red herring (hee, get it, fish!) dropped by the disguised murderer, making poor Clive's trip into a seafood restaurant's disgusting dumpster a fool's errand.

    The CW

    But there is one thing Clive could have done (but didn't) to make his dive a worthy civic effort: according to the city of Seattle's website, commercial customers are prohibited from putting food waste or compostable paper in a garbage dumpster, which means the trash that was so revolting to him and Liv was a violation of city code.

    The CW

    Yeah, Puget's Own Seafood is apparently violating city laws -- laws you're supposed to be enforcing, Clive. Just because it's not murder doesn't mean you can't crack down!

  5. Peyton
    Do I think that sitting at a bar, gazing moonily at Blane as he tickles the ivories, is a smart move? No, of course not.

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    But Peyton still ranks lower on the screw-up list than she otherwise might have because of her great, brilliant cutdown of Ravi when that simpering idiot comes to her office to announce, confoundingly, that he can't stop imagining her having sex with Blaine. I'll rant more about that in a second, but her response is killer: "Your opinion in this matter is irrelevant. What did you come her for, Ravi? Did you come here to say you're sorry? Or were you hoping, maybe, I'd apologize to you?"

    YES. This is exactly what I was hoping for! I sort of assumed that maybe the show would have Major tell Ravi he was being an idiot, or Liv, but by all rights this response should have come from his victim. I am glad iZombie's writers agreed!

    I don't blame Peyton for going to Ravi's house to confront him after he admitted that he still loves her -- they have a shared romantic past and great chemistry, so it makes sense that she'd want to know more. (Less sensible is why she didn't follow up at the moment, but whatever.) You know what, I'll even argue that it was good that she did, because then she got to fully see the depths of Ravi's craven weakness! A painful lesson to learn, but an important one.

  6. Blaine
    You guys, I'll just say it: Blaine is not a very good singer. His rendition of "Smooth" in the season premiere was CRAZY pitchy, and his lounge act isn't much better. I think there's a reason we're told about his performance of Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" instead of shown, you know?

    But not only is Blaine unfit for his second job, but he just lost his $32 million inheritance, when his zombie dad returned to test his memory, demand a drink, drop a detail of Blaine's juvie history, and get his dough back.

    It's interesting to me that Blains is only convinced to test Ravi's memory-restoring injection after Ravi admits he loves Peyton, not when he's reminded of his role in Major's near-death (a death cured only by Liv's desperate decision to zombify Major). Is this Blaine's move to cement himself as a manly self-sacrificer against Ravi's whiny negging? If so, it's working.

  7. Katty
    Now that I hate Ravi, I feel less sympathetic toward him regarding his pre-iZombie firing from the CDC at Katty's hands. And I feel terrible for her that she had to stand in Ravi's kitchen in post-coital pantslessness as he made out with Peyton. Even if it's just a hook-up, that's a weird, rude scene to be stuck in.

    On top of that, Katty's just trying to do her job and figure out why all these decomposing-skinned dead folks have human brains in their guts! A job that our friends are all trying to thwart. Sure, they're blocking Katty for all the right reasons, but put yourself in her shoes. It still sucks.

  8. Don
    What kind of sad little masochist is Don E, anyway? After his abuse at Blaine's hands ends, he intentionally thaws out Angus and goes into business with him for even more, far nastier, abuse?

    I've known some big-dreaming restaurateurs who've gotten into bed with jerk investors, and it always ends badly. What I'm seeing is that Don is doing all the legwork -- finding a decent commercial space in (presumably) a desirable Seattle location, commissioning a "The Scratching Post" sign, and coming up with a pepper-related zombie identification policy. Meanwhile, Angus supplies the cash, the murderous muscle for the special order brains, and copious insults. Though Don did pretty much everything but pay for it, he's still the one stuck getting coffee and/or gazing morosely at his former boss turned lounge lizard.

    The CW

    Is all this worth it just to get back at Blaine, Don? Are you sure?

  9. Ravi
    Ravi is such a dillweed this episode that if this were The Walking Dead I'd assume they were about to kill him off. First, his tone-deaf visit to Peyton's office, where he lays all his shit on her even though she told him she was late for a meeting. What kind of self-absorbed crapsack do you have to be to insist on delivering your bitchy speech after visiting a person at work and being told they have to, uh, work?

    Then there's Ravi's unhinged yelping when the group tries to convince Blaine to try the memory cure, because if there's anything that makes me want to roll up my sleeve it's the knowledge that the guy delivering my potentially hot shot is dementedly jealous of me. Follow that with Ravi's Katty hookup and his lunge at Peyton with Katty in the next room, and I'm done with this guy.

    But, finally, this.

    The CW

    Sure, I'm glad he has body hair like a normal human man. But this robe is the worst, and here's why: hooded robes are dumb, that length is all wrong on him (needs to be longer, not shorter, you perv), and there's no way anyone would be able to keep black terry cloth that black after even one washing. That means Ravi either never washes his robe, or it's made of a synthetic fiber, which is gross because robes should be made of absorbent (and therefore natural) materials or not at all.

    Get a long, white robe, Ravi, and if you're desperately in love with one woman, maybe wait at least a day after you make that romantic declaration before you hook up with someone else.

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