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Reason Plastic privates.

Screens: Comedy Central

Why Is Amy Schumer Making This Face?

Your reaction to a cartoon meerkat may be slightly more visceral.

Amy's agents know she's been itching for more off-camera work (not according to her), so they booked her a gig doing voice-over work for a new family flick about crime-fighting meerkats. (A quick pause on Amy's script reveals the title of the film to be I'ma Be Me-erkats!, which sounds as charming as it does grammatically confusing.) Amy is understandably thrilled. Celebrities make a ton of dough for voice-over work -- don't look up how much Mike Myers made for his work in the last Shrek movie unless you feel like crying -- and joining an animated meerkat taskforce with none other than Jessica Alba and Megan Fox can only be a good career move. There's nothing left for Amy to do except toast herself with a martini and an open pint of Ben & Jerry's and wait for the glossy coat of fame to settle over her life.

Until, of course, it doesn't. At her recording session, Amy meets her character for the first time, and her name is Frumpy the Dumpy Meerkat. Frumpy the Dumpy Meerkat has a lot going on; she's morbidly obese, clearly not wearing a bra, and has twigs in her hair. Her legs each look like one big cankle. Unlike Jessica Alba's meerkat, who is "smart and pretty," or Megan Fox's, who is "sexy and loves math," Frumpy the Dumpy Meerkat likes to eat worms by the fistful and violently defecate wherever she happens to be standing. "That's disgusting," you might be saying to yourself. "Why would anybody want to watch a movie about a sloppy meerkat monster always shitting her pants?" Alas, in order for Frumpy to be able to shit her pants, she would need to be wearing pants -- which she is definitely not. According to the sound technician, the animation team is out of Japan, and since they don't have anyone as big as Frumpy over there, they "literally couldn't figure out how to make pants fit on [her]."

A cartoon character with no pants? Well, that's not a huge deal. Winnie the Pooh didn't wear pants. Donald Duck didn't wear pants. But you know what Winnie the Pooh and Donald Duck didn't have? Prominent, droopy vaginas. You know who does? Frumpy the Dumpy Meerkat. It's upsetting.


Almost worse? Her action figure.


I told you. One of the wells Inside Amy Schumer returns to most is its star's supposed repulsiveness. In the past, she's scared away men's medically induced erections with the sound of her voice and tried (and failed) to sex up a high-school boy at his prom. In the canon of Amy Is Gross sketches, this might be my favorite, just because it's so cartoonish (PUN INTENDED!) in its treatment of Amy's place in Hollywood. Because she doesn't look like Jessica Alba or Megan Fox, she's a monster. Nobody's really ever asked Amy to play a maggot-scarfing dump truck creature, but I guarantee there's a slimy Hollywood manager somewhere who, after seeing this sketch, thought of a size-six-plus client of his who would be perfect for that role.

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