Jackie No

Matt boots two prospective princesses; Sarah wonders why the "she's nice to you but mean to us other girls" maneuver never backfires.

You see it almost every season on The Bachelor, too: one of the women -- strictly motivated by concern for HIM, mind you! -- takes it upon herself to inform the Bach, or Harry, or whomever the object of desire that one among their number is a snarky bitch who doesn't get along with the other girls, like it fuckin' matters since the situation would never come up again IRL. And she never gets the boot for failure to keep her eyes on her own paper and not start shit; she's inevitably rewarded for "giving [him] a lot to think about," though of course the tattletale's motivation in a televised competition for his affections never seems to get onto the contemplation docket.

So, in spite of an off-putting compulsion to mention Meghan's big boobs and "pretty hair"; a deeply snotty attitude at the pub as she advises Meghan to "be a genuine person"; and her customary overinvested scariness as she throws Rose an elbow on the obstacle course and gets legit angry about the fireworks display on Meghan's date, Kelley stays. Jacqueline goes -- and then, just when everyone thinks that's the shooting day, Meghan is called to the master suite and ejected for not playing well with others. I'm really going to miss that kid. Fortunately, my other favorite got to stay AND got her second Crown Suite bid -- and it looks like Miss Kimberly is more than capable of picking up the dramatic-face-pulling slack.

Screens: FOX

Screens: FOX

  1. Kimberly
    Gets the longest curse bleep during the silly "army" obstacle course. Smartly stays out of the Meghan/Kelley flap; when questioned directly by Matt, shrugs that Meghan doesn't bother her that much and changes the subject. Very excited to smooch him and to get the Crown Suite again.
  2. Rose
    "I have the upper-body strength of a cat," she giggles about the obstacle course, then carefully corrects that to "of a baby." Hee. Later, climbing on the double-decker bus that's taking them to the pub, she burbles, "We feel like the Spice Girls!"
  3. Meghan
    Well, she got jobbed, but if Matt's going to believe Kelley, she's better off. Admitting that she's "an acquired taste sometimes" was a good play, but if there were ever a time I would have welcomed an "I'm not here to make friends," it's when Kelley and Jackie started in on Meghan at the pub and her weak "I'm sorry you took it that way" response occasioned this face from Matt:

    2014-06-23-harry-02

    Just own it, girl. If he's into a chick with no top lip who buys her bikinis from Lanz of Salzburg, ain't nothing you can do with that.

  4. Karina
    Complete non-entity this week. Not even sure she had a line besides "oooooh" or "yaaaaaay!" Half expected her to get punted.
  5. Jacqueline
    Her allegation that Meghan wants "the glitz and the glamor" of dating a prince, versus caring about Matt/Harry himself, comes out of nowhere. ...Okay, fine: it came straight from a producer's mouth, since nobody under the age of 80 uses the word "glitz," yet Matt drops the exact same locution later when he's turning Meghan loose, but still, shut up, Jackie. She's classy on exit, but shouldn't have piled on in the pub and was past her sell-by here regardless.
  6. Kelley
    Speaking of Matt not seeing what the other girls see...she's grimly determined to finish the army task first and get a spa massage with Matt (which seems to consist of the same half-hearted shoulder rub you sometimes get after a pedicure), she's creepy about needing to "understand Prince Harry's military commitments," and she'll take any opportunity to crack on Meghan's big boobs. Where I'm from, when you're acting like you're better than other people, it's best to avoid ugly slouch hats, and to know your right from your left, but I guess they do it differently in Ol' Almond Face's hometown, because she's fine with slurring that she doesn't want any drama. Has zero chemistry with Matt, so whether she's still there via his choice or via the producers', it's gross.

Episode Superlatives

Head Of The Classy: Kelley repeatedly bagging on Meghan is not a good look for anyone.

Ugly Englishman: Matt believes Kelley is "extremely genuine and honest." Sure, Dumbpole of the Bailey. Why not.

Heir Ball: Meghan valiantly and repeatedly slips him tongue, and they canoodle; he kisses Kimberly too, but comparatively chastely.

Royal Flush: Matt's stated reason for sending Meghan home -- that anyone married to first-name royalty has to fit into a group "without causing a stir" -- actually dovetails extremely well with the fiction that he's Prince Harry.

Screens: FOX

Screens: FOX

...But it's still horseshit.

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