Screen: E!

Will It Always Take This Many Cars For Caitlyn Jenner To Get Off The Mountain?

And other not-quite-burning questions about the series premiere of I Am Cait.

Before the premiere of I Am Cait, there was, predictably, a Keeping Up With The Kardashians marathon on E!, in which the following two statements were uttered by Khloe to Kim:

  1. "You have underboob, which is, like, so cool."
  2. "I follow you on Instagram."

How could a network that brings us such profound nuggets possibly reach a higher pinnacle? Why would we not trust E! to treat a reality series about Caitlyn Jenner's transition and coming out with tenderness and care? Look, I was worried, and I am still worried that something wildly offensive will happen, and I am aware that we have a whole season yet in which that might occur, but in this first episode...well, let's just say that I kept yelling to a minimum and my heart felt things, and not kind that causes shooting pain down my arm. But I do still have questions!

How many times will a Kardashian/Jenner show up and make it all about him/her?

Kylie, who hasn't met Caitlyn yet, FaceTimes her while she's IN THE DENTIST CHAIR. Is this normal behavior? Or Kardashian behavior? FaceTime makes Caitlyn nervous, because she hasn't met anyone like that yet. (Oh, the kids and their technology). Kylie is all loopy, and calls Caitlyn "Daddy." Who is driving you home from the dentist, young lady?

Later in the episode, Kim and Kanye show up. Kim tells Caitlyn she looks like Kendall, and that she could be Kendall's mom, and Caitlyn's sisters want Kim to take off her coat so they can see what she's wearing. In case you haven't seen an US Weekly cover lately, Kim is with child again, and she tells everyone that nothing fits her and that her skirt is half zipped. Kanye says he admires how Caitlyn is just like, "Fuck you, this is who I am." Caitlyn and Kim visit Caitlyn's closet, which Kim deems acceptable. Caitlyn takes out a Tom Ford dress that she loves. Kim: "Mom has that dress." She strategizes about getting Kris to wear her dress out to dinner with Kim and having Caitlyn show up wearing HER Tom Ford dress and hahahaaha. God, Kim.

Later still, Kylie comes over to Caitlyn's house (post dentist and wearing a tiny '90s backpack). She asks where her dad is and someone says, "He's in there." Please get your pronoun shit together, people. Kylie interviews, "It might be a little uncomfortable in the beginning, but we're both ready." She also says something about their souls which does not make water come out of my eyes at all. Kylie gives Caitlyn some green hair extensions and posts a picture on Instagram and they say they love each other and then Kylie and her tiny backpack go down the stairs.

So, to bring it back to the question up top: let's be real, if I had made this a yes or no question, I would be insulting your intelligence.

Yes, but how is the rest Caitlyn's family dealing with her transition?

Rob, Khloe, and Kourtney haven't met Caitlyn yet, which will probably become a Thing this season. Caitlyn and some friends/stylists watch the release of the Vanity Fair cover. Kim calls and says she didn't know Caitlyn was on Twitter. Caitlyn says she's been on for about an hour, and I can't help thinking of that KUWTK when Kim announced to everyone that she was the #1 Google search that day or something. Kim tells Caitlyn, "All eyes on you now, you cannot disappoint." I wish she'd meant "You can't disappoint because you're so great and I love you and I'm so proud," but let's be real.

Caitlyn's sisters Pam and Lisa, and Esther, their mom, come to meet Caitlyn. Esther thinks Caitlyn is a good-looking woman, "but she'll always be Bruce." Caitlyn says she was an isolationist before she came out, because she didn't feel like she fit in anywhere, and ugh, all those times Bruce was aggressively chilling off-camera on KUWTK and getting annoyed at people for bothering him have a totally different meaning now. Before she leaves, Esther interviews, "I loved him with all my heart and I love her with all my heart," and there is definitely emotion water coming out of my eyes npw.

Will it always take this many cars for Caitlyn to get off the mountain?

This time, it takes THREE, in order to lose the paparazzi: two to get off the mountain and one to get from an undisclosed location to San Diego, where Caitlyn's going to visit the family of Kyler Prescott, a fourteen-year-old trans kid who recently committed suicide, hear a song a family friend wrote about loving people no matter what, and release some balloons with Kyler's friends. In case you were wondering, pap pictures of Caitlyn are going for $250,000, and she has to lie down in the back of the first car in case the photographers look in the window. The whole situation is way more impressive than Taylor Swift walking backwards.

What will probably happen this season, though?

If the end montage is any indication, there will some Kardashian Kontroversy, expensive dresses, crying, dating, flashbulbs, Caitlyn using her powers for good, and Bros Who Don't Know How To Deal.

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