Where Did Our Gossip Girl Go?

As The CW keeps insistently reminding us, there are just FIVE EPISODES OF GOSSIP GIRL LEFT. This is a big deal, and not just because it means I'll get my Mondays back. We've watched Serena and the gang morph from a post-Clueless blazer and knee-socks adolescence into designer gown and paisley bowtied adulthood. We've suffered through partner swapping, best friend doffing, and enough side braids and bare décolletage to last a lifetime. It's the end of a glorious six-season era...so why doesn't it feel like it's going out with a bang? Why aren't we still rooting for these silver-spoonfed children of paradise and their deliciously wanton ways? Gossip Girl needs to loosen its chignon, unfurl its necktie, and have some fun, already! Here are my kindly offered tips for wrapping things up.

Bring the show back around to Serena

It started with Serena van der Woodsen (Blake Lively) and should end with her, even though we sometimes care more about Blair and Chuck (Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick). We need to root for our favorite blonde rich girl again. When did Serena lose her backbone and buy in to the whole bland socialite existence? Didn't we originally fall for her penchant for bohemianism and less product-heavy hair? There's a reason Serena gravitated toward Dan (Penn Badgley) in the beginning and why it seems logical for her to wind up with him in the end, but that coupling no longer feels right. Serena stopped caring about herself, and so did we. How exciting would it be if she threw her mother's porcelain teacup against the wall and announced that she was joining the Peace Corps? And what if Dan traded Jay McInerney for Hemingway and followed Serena to the Serengeti? If the show wants to end with these two together, the stakes need to be raised higher than Dan's newly chiseled cheekbones.

Hurry up and figure out this Blair and Chuck thing

They're together, then not together. They hate each other, then love each other. Their warring banter used to be the real spark of the show, but it's grown tired and predictable. That massive engagement ring isn't just pulling Blair's chain. How long do we all have to suffer through Chuck's daddy issues? The boy used to throw side-eyes at people while uttering "I'm Chuck Baaaass" like a total badass. Now he's mopey and monastic. We need a touch of the old ruthlessness paired with a cameo by his cute dog to level it out. And we need Blair to remember why he used to make her feel funny down there.

Return Blair to being Queen Bee of a hive

The recent return of Blair's minions -- Jessica (Alice Callahan) and Nelly Yuki (Yin Chang) -- has reminded us why we used to love to hate Miss Waldorf in the beginning. Though we always hoped one of these girls would eventually best her, Nelly Yuki's WWD takedown of Blair's first collection made us feel sorry for the budding designer. Hasn't this girl suffered enough poor career choices, foul princes, and absent parenting? Like Chuck, Blair needs to revisit her ruthlessness and take what she wants. Scheming gets you nowhere if you forget what you're fighting for. And is she, somewhere deep down, maybe fighting for Dan? What if she scrapped her mommy's old-money fashion house in favor of a provocateur-esque dominatrix lingerie line that had to be tested out on Dan Humphrey against the walls of the Chelsea Hotel?

Ditch the new characters; reacquaint us with the old characters

Now that it seems 7th Heaven Steven Barry Watson) and Aromatic Sage (Sofia Black-D'Elia) are out of the picture, maybe we can see that Ivy Dickens (Kaylee Defer) storyline go, too? She got her money from CeCe, so why is it so important to take down Lily (Kelly Rutherford)? Is anyone else creeped out by the Ivy/Rufus (Matthew Settle) pairing  -- though, admittedly, it's not as creepy as Boring Nate (Chace Crawford) and Sage? Georgina's (Michelle Trachtenberg) place in the Dan storyline is understandable, but Ivy needs to park her backless, braless self and all that money on the first bus back to Boca Raton. That or Vanessa (Jessica Szohr) and Jenny (Taylor Momsen) need to let go of her puppet strings and step out of the shows by finale's end. Jenny should bring her band.

Tell us who Gossip Girl is, dammit

Who is Gossip Girl? And where did she go? She was Georgina, then Serena, then possibly Ivy, and now -- who knows. Her voice is waning and it needs to perk up right before we zoom in on Dorota's (Zuzanna Szadkowski) face in front of a laptop as the screen goes dark. Fin.

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