Glee makes good on its threats with a wedding episode. We've come this far, we may as well watch it, at least for Gloria Estefan.
Well, here we are. The wedding this commentator has been bitching about all season. But this is Glee, so there have to be some good songs to force me to cry against my better judgment, right? Right??? Let's get right to the watching and skipping and see.
That Story's Insane
"So why are we in a barn in rural Indiana?" asks Artie. This is a question a sensible person might have asked before getting in the car in Ohio, but it's because gay marriage is legal in the Hoosier state. Jennifer Coolidge further explains that she thought it would be fun for Brittany and Santana to get married in the barn Brittany was born in. When she didn't know she was pregnant. And thought she was pooping. To Glee's credit, everyone is horrified by this story. Santana is uncharacteristically diplomatic, focusing on how great it is that they're getting married and that Brittany's mom and Santana's own mom (Gloria Estefan!) are finally meeting. Artie (who's the wedding planner, for some reason, in case you've understandably forgotten) agrees.
Time lapse/decorating montage...without a song? What show is this anymore?? Kurt is supervising, Tina is complaining. The new kids are there...why would they care about this event let alone help move hay bales? Brit starts freaking out about everything from the structural integrity of the barn to the availability of Martina Navratilova to officiate (she's not free, plus she doesn't know them). Kurt gets the brilliant idea that his dad can officiate. Okay, that's a nonsense idea but historically any episode of Glee with Burt Hummel has been a good episode of Glee, so fingers crossed, people!
Fashion Show At Lunch!
Santana and Brit are picking out wedding dresses with the other girls, but don't want to see each other's dresses before the wedding, so they'll be coming out separately. On the one hand, why go together, then? But on the other, this seems very considerate of their bridesmaids' time! But if they're already decorating the venue, shouldn't they have the dresses picked by now? Whatever. They do a cute fashion show bit with lots of different dresses. A song plays in the background which on any other show would be totally normal, but on Glee it's really weird to have a musical moment in which none of the characters are singing. Santana overhears everyone telling Brit that she's found her dress, and comes out of the dressing room to look because she was "going crazy" waiting. Brit freaks out about the bad luck. I'm kind of Team Brit here. Whatever you believe in, that's a dick move, Santana.
Artie Is A Terrible Wedding Planner
In the choir room because no one has homes (speaking of, where is Rachel living now?), Rachel, Santana, Mercedes, and Tina are making a seating chart with actual little chair models (pretty sure that's not how it works but one of them is a little wheelchair, so hee). Brittany brings in a chicken she'd like their help sacrificing to counteract her bad luck. Santana calms her down and gets her to leave the chicken in the hall, then asks her to put her math brain to work on the seating plan. Rachel doesn't want to sit with Sam because she doesn't want to upset Finn's parents. It's weird how this is a plot point this week but last week there were no photos of Finn in Rachel's room. Just saying. Santana gets angry that Sue is invited, which seems like a thing she would already know about by this point. Rachel and Mercedes point out that while the odds are good that Sue will somehow ruin the wedding if she comes, they're even greater that she'll sabotage it if she's not invited. Santana puts her foot down: no Sue.
Time After Time
Kurt tells Harry Hamlin that he's going to the wedding with Blaine. Harry Hamlin, still the best, admits that he's jealous, but not mad: "You're right at the beginning of it all. I look at you and I think of the lifetime of love I could've had if I hadn't wasted it pretending to be someone I'm not. You're lucky, Kurt. Go be lucky." Aw, Harry Hamlin! Kurt runs to Blaine (wait, so he told Harry Hamlin he's going to the wedding with Blaine before telling Blaine?), babbles at him, and they kiss. Fine, Glee, fine, you've worn me down. But you know what would be appropriate for the apparent culmination of this season-long love regained arc? A FUCKING SONG!!!
Tina announces to Puck, Artie, and Blaine that she's going to ask Mike Chang to marry her, even though they're not dating (though they have been texting a lot). This is crazy but you have to admit it's totally in character for Tina, so points for consistency.
Sue Flip-Flops More Than Mitt Romney
Sue calls Santana to her office to tell her she's hurt by not being invited to the wedding. "Weddings are the time to put all those differences aside," Sue says, but Santana's not buying it, and tells Sue, "The only person you know how to love is yourself." Santana reminds Sue of some of the worse things she's done, including at other weddings, and tells her that if she shows up, she'll be removed by security.
It's the day of the wedding! Mike Chang, absent all season, is in fact there. But where is Quinn? Newly reunited Blaine and Kurt take a picture that suggests that in a year or two Kurt is definitely going to murder Blaine. American Horror Story: Show Choir? Make it happen, Ryan Murphy.
Carol (Finn's mom) and Burt tell Kurt and Blaine it's okay that they didn't work out as a couple, and that they shouldn't beat themselves up or waste any time. Make the most of the time you have, don't be afraid to make mistakes, etc. We all see where this is going, don't we?! I'm back to ugh.
I Think These Two Crazy Kids Might Actually Make It Work
Brit is freaking out about various superstitions, demanding that the girls find her a spider and a lizard and some other nonsense. Santana comes into the room and says, very sweetly, that she always imagined she'd be the most beautiful bride ever at her wedding, but she's not because Brittany is. Okay, Santana, we've been over this. It's not like you didn't know Brit was a weirdo going in. Respect the woman's wedding day crazy! But she doesn't, explaining that the superstition of grooms not being able to see brides before the wedding dates back to arranged marriages. "I'm really sorry that I can't go an hour without seeing you because I miss you too much. And me and you? Rules don't apply to us. They never have. We make our own luck." Aw. Santana wins. Can Santana and Harry Hamlin get married? Uh oh! In walks Sue!
It's Still Weird To Hear Jane The Virgin's Abuela Speaking English
We are twenty-five minutes into this episode (with commercials) and there has not been a song. Anyway, Santana says they might have bad luck after all: "Because I can't marry you if I'm in jail for killing this bitch." Sue says she comes bearing gifts, and ushers in Abuela Alma. Flashback to Sue at Alma's house suggesting that since Sue wasn't invited and Alma's not going because of her religious beliefs, they should show up at the wedding and stone Santana and Brit, "like the Bible says." Or put them in jail, or picket. Sue's trick works: Alma is, of course, horrified, and instead makes a lovely speech about not wanting to cause Santana pain or miss any special moments in her life, even if she doesn't agree with everything she does. Santana hugs Alma and mouths "you can stay" to Sue.
I Don't Even Want Someone To Throw Me A Surprise Birthday Party
Sue asks Kurt and Blaine to come with her, and brings them to a room where Brittany is waiting with tuxedos on mannequins with their photos creepily taped on. Brit explains that she wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them, and that her dream died when they canceled their wedding (how that's about Brittany is beyond me, even in BrittanyWorld). Brit wants a double wedding. Sue implies that she's in on this, and that Brit was somehow in on all of Sue's shenanigans. Kurt stammers. Blaine's kind of into it. This is a terrible idea! Most of you can't even drink legally! It's not like anyone's knocked up! What is the goddamn rush?!
Does True Love Last Forever? No, But This Song Does.
Finally, a song! (Thirty-three minutes in.) Mercedes and Artie perform Etta James's "At Last" to kick off the wedding. Everyone looks gorgeous, even Sue in her tuxedo track suit. Brit walks in with Kurt, yes, in his black tux, and Santana with Blaine. Everyone is shocked. Did Kurt at least tell his dad and stepmom? Blaine's parents probably aren't even here, right? Also, where is Quinn?! I know everything is weird with the alumni this season and I don't know anything about their conflicts or shooting schedules, but do you really expect me to believe that Quinn wouldn't be at this wedding? Good god, this song is boring. I never realized before, so maybe it's them. Whatever, it leaves a lot of time to think. Jennifer Coolidge says, "My husband's in the bathroom!," which is absurd but at least they've bothered to explain Ken Jeong's absence.
Burt Hummel: Tear Factory
Burt kicks off the ceremony by talking about how lucky he is to have found love and been married twice. "But I didn't know how lucky until I had to drive over the state line to come here to officiate the weddings of these two loving couples." He thanks the couples for being brave and honest "and showing all of us that love and marriage is so much bigger than we thought it could be. And also so much simpler." Goddammit, Glee. The vows are all spliced up, switching from character to character instead of four separate speeches. It's surprisingly effective. The two couples have coordinated their vows (sure), and they all say, "I am a work in progress," which feels like a great thing to say at any wedding but especially one of twenty-year-olds. Sorry, I'll stop, this is all very sweet. "You don't ask me to come out of the shadows," says Kurt, "you help me rip away anything that's blocking the sun. It's time for all of us to walk into the sunshine together, forever. Is that something you want to do?" Four "I do"s. Rings. Even Alma is crying.
But Is It Bad Luck To Get Meta At A Wedding?
Brittany's dad makes a toast. Wait, so Ken Jeong is here? You guys, I don't understand anything this season. He's an idiot. That's the whole joke. Santana announces that they have a gift for everyone, baseball caps reading "OTP," which she helpfully explains stands for "one true pairing." "In the spirit of everyone here finding their OTP, please join us on the dance floor." Oy. Artie leads the Glee kids in a well choreographed routine to OutKast's "Hey Ya." I remember liking this song once. Now I want it to die in a fire. (This dry barn seems the perfect place!) But the dancing is fun and worth watching on mute.
Did I Stutter?
In a side room, Mike finds Tina and asks her to make sure they get a dance together before the night is over. She closes the door and very sweetly declares her love, gets down on one knee, and proposes (with what looks like a woman's ring). Mike is understandably stunned, and flattered, but tells her no.
Tina: What kind of an idiot does this?
Mike: You. But you're not an idiot!
Hee. He says he cares about her but that they have their whole lives ahead of them, and "who knows where we'll be in a year?" He doesn't seem to rule anything out, but he makes it pretty clear that they should date other people. God bless Mike Chang. They head back out to the party for their dance, gently teasing each other. As nutty as the premise is, this is one of the realest, sweetest scenes that's happened on Glee all season. Good for you for staying away from this mess until now, Mike Chang.
The moms do a number with the TrebleTones (where is Quinn???). The moms, in case anyone's lost track at this point, are Carol (Finn's mom/Kurt's stepmom), Jennifer Coolidge, Gina Gershon (who the internet tells me is playing Blaine's mom even though she has not yet been introduced as a character ever), and Gloria Estefan. So who cares about making sense when Gloria Estefan is on my TV singing "I'm So Excited"? Oh hey, Sugar Motta is here! Was she even a TrebleTone? Who remembers? Where is Quinn??? Jennifer Coolidge can sing! Gina Gershon is dressed kinda trashy for a wedding, and she dances, and Blaine looks embarrassed, and the only reason I know why is because I looked it up. Still, this totally feels like something that would happen at a wedding with these particular people.
Our Dreams Are Meant To Be
The couples invite everyone to the dance floor and sing "Our Day Will Come" (previously recorded by The Carpenters, The Four Seasons, Amy Winehouse, Jamie Cullum, and of course most famously Katharine McPhee on the first season of Smash). "No one can tell me / That I'm too young to know / I love you so / And you love me." Fine, Glee, I get it, I'll shut up about it. Jeez. Carol and Burt see Rachel and Sam together and smile their approval. Harmony, applause, smiles.
Haven't These People Seen My Best Friend's Wedding?
But the episode isn't over, for some reason. In the choir room, Artie and Tina have lunch (he was feeling nostalgic for their "Tuesday lunches" together there). He gives her a very nice pep talk about her Mike proposal, and they get into an argument about which of them initiated their breakup. Artie proposes that if they're both not married by thirty, they'll marry each other. Well, let's hope that never happens, but as a friend moment it's cute.
Honeymoon In Lesbos
Sue greets the couples in the auditorium with one last gift: "Don't worry, it's not a song. Or a minority choir." Sue says that, despite everything, she sees them as her own kids (which is...kind of twisted, really), and presents them with (separate) honeymoon tickets. Everyone seems very happy. It is the most anti-climactic ending ever.
Brittany might argue with my math here, looking at all the "skip"s above, but you've made it this far, you can't not watch the big double wedding episode, can you? At least for the dresses? This episode is pretty bad, but not offensively so. Sigh. How sad that "not offensively terrible!" is the new high praise for this show I used to actually love. I know I've complained a lot about these couplings and certainly this wedding over the course of this season, but Santana, Brittany, and Kurt remain my favorite characters on the show. Throw in Burt, Gloria Estefan singing, Harry Hamlin being wise beyond, uh, Kurt's years, Mike Chang, and an almost complete lack of lines for Rachel or Will, and this is a pretty watchable episode, if only for its canonical value.