Screen: HBO

Who's Your Daddy

Hannah's drama is finally overshadowed, and Elijah is finally proven right.

Hannah's substitute teaching gig is at least resulting in a new friendship, so that's good. However, it's with a student, and they relate to each other in a way that doesn't seem entirely appropriate. Especially when Hannah accompanies Cleo to a piercing parlor and watches her favorite student struggle while a guy pushes a needle through the webbing at the bottom of her tongue. So that's bad. In fact, it makes me want to reach through the screen and fire Hannah. Later, Hannah makes a pitch to Fran, who is no longer interested. Which probably makes him the smartest teacher in that school.

Desi comes home to Marnie all excited about a box of junky effects pedals that cost him their entire advance from the record label. Marnie's pissed at first, but Desi later makes it up to her by proposing marriage. So while Desi is still an immature moron, now he's an immature moron that Marnie's engaged to.

Also, Shoshanna tells Ray about her upcoming date while they're leafleting the neighborhood, and in return he tells her that he's joined eHarmony to get over...Marnie. Between that and Jessa's terrible dating advice, Shosh is poised to make a weird move during her dinner with Scott. Which she emphatically does.

But the real drama is going on back in Michigan, where Hannah's dad finally comes out to her mom. See, I knew there was something up with him when he visited Hannah in Iowa. Hannah's mom is in denial at first, but she finally accepts the truth. If only because there's no other way to shut Hannah up when she calls that night. Remember when Elijah pissed Hannah off by saying Tad was gay? Looks like she owes him an apology.

So is this the Girls we always thought it was? Let's check the checklist.

Girls-y Element Present?
Someone Gets Naked Nope: as Tad tells Loreen, there's no need to be vulgar.
Scene In A Bathroom In Which Someone Is Performing An Actual Bathroom Function The Horvaths' amorous friend Avi catches Hannah's mom coming out of the bathroom, but all we get is the sound of a flush. Which is just as well.
Shoshanna Flips Out First she's pissed when Ray confesses that he still has feelings for Marnie; then she's embarrassed after abruptly turning polite dinner conversation bluer than a dress on Twitter. And then she's kvelling over a Josh Charles sighting. Quite the emotional roller coaster for Shosh, in short.
Jessa Is Shockingly Late And/Or Inappropriate While selling Shosh her dating advice, Jessa boasts about the four suicide attempts by guys who couldn’t live without her. Which may or may not be true, but falling in love with Jessa in the first place is a clear indicator of preexisting mental illness anyway.
What The Eff Is Hannah Wearing? Hannah's multicolored, multidirectional-striped dress isn't bad, but I can't help wondering what message it reveals when observed through 3-D glasses..
Hannah Takes a Backhanded Compliment As a Sincere One Fran tells her she's too dramatic for him, which the old Hannah would have eaten up. Maybe the current Hannah would too, if not for the part where it's the reason he won't date her.
Hannah Is Consciously Embarrassed When Fran walks up to Hannah and Cleo in the hall, Hannah accuses Cleo of making it awkward by standing there. For future reference, Hannah, that's what "making it awkward" looks like from the outside.
Hannah Probably Should Be Embarrassed But Isn't Hiking up her skirt for an impromptu sidewalk dance party with one of her students? Sure, why not.
Adam Needs A Safe Word Adam is probably busy getting as far away from these people as he possibly can.
Shirtless Adam Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he took off so fast that he left behind a shirt afloat on an Adam-shaped dust cloud.
Someone Bitches About Hannah In Her Absence Even Hannah's parents' friends talk about how wonderful it is that Hannah's so creative. Do Loreen and Tad even know yet that she bailed on Iowa?
Commentary On Modern Communications Technology/Techniques Hannah's folks have exactly the same cordless landline phone that I do. So technically, probably the opposite.
Hannah Keeps Talking When She Should Maybe Stop Hannah keeps going on and on to her mom over the phone about herself, until Loreen finally shuts her up with Tad's big news. Thank you, Loreen.
Shut Up, Ray While Shosh is helping him campaign, maybe that isn't the best time for Ray to confess that he's still not entirely over Marnie.
Conversation Interrupted By A "Surprise" Kiss There is the bit during the date where Shosh abruptly changes the subject to Scott's penis and her own "slimy vagina," but Scott's smooth enough to walk it back.
Hannah Has No Practical Job Skills I don't presume to know how difficult it is to teach high school kids, but I like to think I could get more than half a haiku out of them.
Hannah Blows Up A Current Or Potential Revenue Stream Listen, if you're standing over one of your underage students while she cries and screams through the piercing you talked her into, you're already fired and you just don't know it yet.
Hannah Talks About Her Writing Is it possible she's really moved on? Or will she get right back to it the moment she becomes an ex-substitute teacher?
Appearance Of One Or More Familiar Guest Actors As always, Peter Scolari and Becky Ann Baker rock the house as Hannah's parents. H!ITGs Fred Melamed and Jackie Hoffman play Avi and Shanaz, their soon-to-be-ex-friends.
Hannah Is A Voice Of A Generation "It's the new frontier of misogyny: take a woman that's in control of her life, and then silence her. And I'm up for it!"
9 / 20
Final Score
The worst "It Gets Better" video you've ever seen
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