Trying Not To Catch A Wave On Girls

Sent to ride the surf, Hannah instead ends up riding a surfer.

Well, so let's catch up with everyone. Ray and Marnie are still together, but since she's still going through a divorce she wants Ray to move out. But she wants him to go back to Adam's -- which is horrible -- rather than to Shoshanna's -- which is not -- because of how Shosh and Ray dated before. Needless to say this is all accomplished with a full measure of passive-aggression and calling each other "baby." As for Adam and Jessa, they've made the place even worse for Ray, who ends up moving back in with Shosh, with whom Ray gets along better than Marnie anyway. And don't think for a second that Marnie doesn't notice. Fortunately for her, Desi still exists, and he's there to give her the much-needed proof that she does too. That must have been a really lonely day for her.

But of course the main story is Hannah. She's flush from the success of having her simultaneously self-pitying and self-congratulatory tale of heartbreak and betrayal in the New York Times, and the nakedly obvious wish-fulfillment cold-open montage of everyone she knows proudly reading her on actual newsprint (at first I thought it seemed ridiculous and retrograde for none of them to read it online, but then I had to concede I wouldn't waste one of my ten free articles a month on Hannah's crap either). She's able to parlay that into the more Hannah-like assignment of going off to investigate women's surf culture in the Hamptons. Predictably, she does no surfing, and does her surfing instructor instead.

It's hard to imagine what the preternaturally laid-back Paul-Louis sees in someone as negative and prickly as Hannah, but it turns out he's got the most important thing one should have before getting into bed with Hannah, and that's a girlfriend. Otherwise Hannah might have left the city to take up with him full-time. Come to think of it, maybe Paul-Louis made up said girlfriend to prevent exactly that. A full-time dude like him doesn't need a dilettante like Hannah harshing his extremely well-curated mellow.

Whatever the case, did this extra-long episode use the additional time to check all the boxes? Well, let's…uh, check the boxes.

GIRLS-y Element Present?
Someone Gets Naked

Sent back home to crash with Adam, Ray walks in to find Jessa unabashedly eating yogurt on his couch in the altogether, altogether unembarrassed. Also, Hannah shows pretty much everything to the camera, both piecemeal and wholesale.

Scene In A Bathroom In Which Someone Is Performing An Actual Bathroom Function

Marnie is usually good for an undignified first glimpse. Hence she opens the season on her terlet with the door open.

Shoshanna Flips Out

She's pretty chill, both before Ray shows up and after.

Jessa Is Shockingly Late And/Or Inappropriate

Well, she does invite Ray over to plop down on the couch next to her lady parts. But at least she's prompt about it.

Hannah Takes a Backhanded Compliment As a Sincere One

More or less told that she's chosen for this piece to appear out of place among Hamptonite trophy wives, Hannah is thrilled to have finally been hired for her looks.

What The Eff Is Hannah Wearing

Well, it's not so much what she wears as how she wears it. Experiencing a sunscreen breach in her suitcase that spooges all over most of her travel wardrobe? Check. Going commando in someone else's wetsuit? Check. Pouring most of a tropical drink down the front of her sundress, which she then hikes up to her waist to roll around on the dance floor in her leopard-skin granny panties? Check, check, check.

Hannah Is Consciously Embarrassed

She does betray a hint of remorse upon realizing she accidentally stole someone else's wetsuit, but maybe that's just the sun making her squint.

Hannah Probably Should Be Embarrassed But Isn't

Only when she's onscreen.

Adam Needs A Safe Word

Adam welcomes Ray home with a long, nearly-naked hug, then jumps up and down on top of the fully-naked Jessa in front of him. But that's more inappropriate than actually dangerous, especially by Adam standards.

Someone Bitches About Hannah In Her Absence

It's more like they forget she exists the moment she's out of their sight. Which, to be fair, is a skill I've been cultivating for several years now.

Commentary On Modern Communications Technology/Techniques

Marnie's been getting life advice from an online therapist. Enough said.

Hannah Keeps Talking When Maybe She Should Stop

There's nothing wrong per se with broaching the subject of moving to Montauk to be with Paul-Louis, but maybe it could have waited until the third day of their relationship.

Shut Up, Ray

Although he takes a red marker to Hannah's piece in the Times, I can't really fault him for the impulse.

Conversation Interrupted By A "Surprise" Kiss

Desi looks worn down and defeated in every possible way during a contentious session of stuff-dividing with Marnie. But of course they end up falling all over each other anyway. That's probably not the reason Marnie's online therapist suggested that Ray should move out. Is that therapist actually a Twitter bot?

Hannah Has No Practical Job Skills

Well, not really. But she's pretty bad at faking an injury to get out of something she doesn't want to do, which is one of the few areas where I would have expected her to be a Viking.

Hannah Blows Up A Current Or Potential Revenue Stream

Not yet, anyway. I can't imagine that Hannah's editor will be happy with the piece she's going to turn in after this misadventure, but I can't imagine anyone being that excited to hire Hannah in the first place, so what do I know.

Appearance Of One Or More Familiar Guest Actors

There's Chelsea Peretti as the editor of Hannah's newest assignment, but she doesn't really get to do anything funnier than pretend to think Hannah is awesome. As surf teacher and tourist-trap mystic Paul-Louie, Riz Ahmed from Rogue One has to do the same thing but play it straight, which is a much harder task.

Hannah Is A Voice Of A Generation

"I give zero fucks about anything, yet I have a strong opinion on everything. Even topics I'm not informed on."

12 / 18
Final Score
A bad reboot of Gidget starring a less charming version of April from Parks & Rec
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