The Girls Navigate The Circle Of Life

One man may enter; two men leave. The world, that is.

It's the prerogative of every show's final season to try to grapple with issues of life and death, and it's the prerogative of Girls to do so in the most annoying way possible.

Starting with the death side of things: Ray watches a regular at his coffee shop keel over in front of him; has an argument with Hermie about his own wasted potential; and then goes to apologize to Hermie only to find him dead on the couch. All of this is, of course, presented in terms of how it affects Ray. To be fair, Ray is also distracted by how distant Marnie is being toward him, though he still doesn't know what's been going on with her and Desi. Which is basically Marnie's ongoing struggle to be the both the hero and victim of Desi's addiction and recovery arc. Even these heights of narcissism are topped by Jessa's decision to make a movie of her (and Adam's and Hannah's) life, and Hannah's reaction to learning that she's pregnant. Honestly, I don't know how Hannah didn't see that coming, after that cold open about how motherhood is for suckers and this episode's mighty efforts to get her into a hospital exam room. I guess we're supposed to feel bad for Hannah because of how this is going to change her life, but the life I'm worried about right now is the one that's going to be entirely in the hands of Hannah Horvath. And believe me, I'm not saying that in any kind of an anti-choice way.

But before this gets "real, fast," as Shoshanna says, let's hit the checklist to determine the level of Girls-iness shown in this life-and-death episode of Girls.

Girls-y Element Present?
Adam Needs A Safe Word
His fundamental misunderstanding of what an actor's job is, combined with his inability to accept that film is a collaborative art form, lead him to storm off a movie set. It's pretty non-violent, though.
Shoshanna Flips Out
Her purpose is mostly to be a sounding board for Ray's stress about Hermie, and to ask whether Ray's talk of making his mark means he plans to kill himself, which prompts Ray to ask whether Shosh wants to kill herself. It's not crazy, but it's real.
Scene In A Bathroom In Which Someone Is Performing An Actual Bathroom Function
Two-fer! Hannah spends some low-quality time on the toilet trying to pee through a fiery urinary tract infection, some of it while Elijah is in the shower right next to her. With the curtain open, of course.
Conversation Interrupted By A "Surprise" Kiss
Nope. I don't even know where they would have put it.
Commentary On Modern Communications Technology/Techniques
Later, while still on the pot, Hannah obediently sticks her phone between her legs so she can show her mom the bloody contents of the bowl via FaceTime. In case you were wondering why Hannah never learned boundaries.
Jessa Is Shockingly Late And/Or Inappropriate
Not really, other than her brainstorm that she and Adam should make their own movie, about what happened with them and Hannah. I already watched that shit once, and then there was Hannah's article about it. Hard pass.
Shut Up, Ray
Ray became the second protagonist of this show so gradually I hardly noticed. What with his ability to make everything about himself and his shitty romantic luck and his tendency to piss away opportunities, he fits right in. He may not be a girl, but he's definitely a Girl.
Someone Bitches About Hannah In Her Absence
Desi mentions Hannah in passing, but only to demonstrate that he's the only one who ever saw Marnie's wonderful qualities instead of just being indulgently annoyed by her all the time. In Desi's defense, that does border on being a superpower.
What The Eff Is Hannah Wearing
That's a perfectly presentable thing she wears to interview Tracey Ullman's character, but I'm having trouble making sense of the flowery top she wears to the hospital later, emblazoned with the legend "TYPICAL BOY." Even if that describes the current occupant of her uterus, she didn't know that when she put it on. And it seems hopelessly optimistic anyway.
Hannah Has No Practical Job Skills
She at least makes a mild protest about being on deadline, and who among us can't relate to a time when diametrically opposed but equally desperate imperatives forced us to bring a laptop into the privy?
Hannah Takes a Backhanded Compliment As a Sincere One
Nobody really compliments her, backhandedly or otherwise. Her ER doctor pretends to be glad to see her, but even Hannah isn't buying that.
Hannah Is Consciously Embarrassed
Well, there's the whole encounter with the ER doc, which is peak awkward for reasons we'll get into in a moment.
Appearance Of One Or More Familiar Guest Actors
They must be lining up for the last few slots. Tracey Ullman is immediately recognizable by her voice before she's shown on camera, despite (or more likely because of) the fact that the voice isn't her normal one, if such a beast ever existed. Desi's therapist is played by Hamilton's Okieriete Onaodowan. And oh, look, Hannah's ER doc is Patrick Wilson, with whom she spent a romantic lost weekend in "One Man's Trash" lo these many seasons ago. And he's the one who accidentally breaks the news to Hannah that she's expecting. Circle of life.
Hannah Probably Should Be Embarrassed But Isn't
Trying to pee in front of Elijah, that's just baseline. Telling him that her UTI is merely the result of walking around in wet underwear for a few days does move the needle, however.
Hannah Keeps Talking When Maybe She Should Stop
On the contrary: once she leaves the ER, she clams up. She blows off Adam and Jessa when they show up at her apartment asking for her permission to tell their story (as if she asked for theirs before slapping it across the pages of the New York Times), then just snuggles with Elijah on the couch without telling him either. Let's hope she puts off sharing this information for the maximum amount of time possible, because holding it in has really quieted her down.
Someone Gets Naked
Elijah and Ray both do, so this is a pretty archetypal good news-bad news situation.
Hannah Blows Up A Current Or Potential Revenue Stream
However, she does walk out of the ER without so much as a prescription for her UTI. Did I mention she's also pregnant and uninsured?
Hannah Is A Voice Of A Generation
She's tangibly contributing to the next generation. That's upsetting enough.
8 / 18
Final Score
Bizarro Knocked Up
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