Goodbye Girls

Does Hannah's breastfeeding agita make this the mother of all series finales, or does it just suck?

Hannah wasn't kidding about last week's goodbye tour. Now ensconced in her professor's quarters somewhere in upstate New York, she spends the last episode with only the very inner circle of those people who have been most important in her life. Oh, and her baby.

After a callback opening scene in which Hannah wakes up one last time as the little spoon, Marnie makes a forceful pitch to be Hannah's co-parent. Which Hannah has heard before, from just about everyone. But Marnie's most powerful selling points are that (a) by being the only person who's here, Marnie has proved herself to be Hannah's best friend, and (b) Marnie doesn't have anything else going on anyway. So, case closed.

Five months later, Hannah and Marnie are both discovering that taking care of a baby is haaaard. Hannah's challenge with her baby, Grover, is that breastfeeding isn't really happening and she's taking it very personally. And Marnie's challenge with her baby, Hannah, is that she's acting like even more of an asshole than usual. Yes, postpartum depression is real, and being a new parent is hella stressful. Also, Hannah has a mean streak a mile wide, and Marnie's fake serenity isn't doing anything but pushing Hannah's buttons. So Marnie calls in Hannah's mom to help out, and to eat a helping of Hannah's shit herself, and I guess so they can sit there on the stoop waiting for Hannah to come back home after storming out of the house. But there's a happy ending, because Hannah discovers the true meaning of motherhood through a chance encounter with a person who is even more clueless, entitled, and spoiled than herself. And also with a mermaid. Just kidding, only one of those is real, and it's not the one you'd probably think.

So as Girls closes out with Hannah's look of bliss as a male mouth finally locks down on one of her body parts, let's just move on to our last checklist.

Girls-y Element Present?
Jessa Is Shockingly Late And/Or Inappropriate
Nope, she's all done.
Shoshanna Flips Out
You may recall that, last week, Shoshanna peaced out. For good.
Shut Up, Ray
Presumably he's off somewhere blissfully boring-slash-depressing the shit out of Abigail forever after.
Adam Needs A Safe Word
We got a wrap on Adam too.
Someone Gets Naked
In addition to entire sequences of her repeatedly laying out the buffet for Grover, Hannah takes a bath, gets out of the bath, and gets dressed in front of the camera. "Last time you'll all be seeing this," the show seems to be saying.
Hannah Blows Up A Current Or Potential Revenue Stream
Not only that: she doesn't get kicked out of her apparently rent-free house, either.
Hannah Has No Practical Job Skills
But she also doesn't seem to have a lot of domestic or relationship skills, the way she's treating Marnie.
Hannah Keeps Talking When Maybe She Should Stop
Pretty much the entire episode.
Someone Bitches About Hannah In Her Absence
Marnie and Loreen could spend a good deal of quality time on this if they wanted. But considering the extent to which Hannah has been verbally reaming both of them out, their restraint once they're alone together borders on heroic.
Hannah Takes a Backhanded Compliment As a Sincere One
Hannah just hates everyone right now. Everyone, everything, everywhere, everywhen, and everyhow. So no, not really.
Commentary On Modern Communications Technology/Techniques
Given that Hannah is treating her like a fellow prisoner in their house, Marnie's only social outlet is to engage in steamy video chatting with a supposed personal trainer in Weehauken whose last name is P.
What The Eff Is Hannah Wearing
Two-fer! First she comes stomping out on the porch to yell at Marnie while she's strapped into her breast pump. And later, on her pissy walkabout, she meets a half-dressed teenage girl who claims to be escaping from some inhuman monster. Hannah gives the supposedly desperate young woman the shoes off her feet and the jeans off her ass before finding out that the only escape that's going on is from a mom who wants the girl to do her homework. Hannah responds with a lecture about mothers' love and a demand for her clothes back, but it's too late and she ends up having to walk home without them.
Scene In A Bathroom With Someone Performing An Actual Bathroom Function
As mentioned above, Hannah takes a bath in front of her mom. And also in front of anyone who might have HBO on right now.
Conversation Interrupted By A "Surprise" Kiss
On the contrary, Marnie's sexual explorations of the digital variety are rather rudely interrupted when Loreen walks in on her.
Appearance Of One Or More Familiar Guest Actors
I didn't recognize anyone but the three main characters in this episode. But Becky Ann Baker finishes strong.
Hannah Probably Should Be Embarrassed But Isn't
Remember how she gave her jeans away and has to walk home pantsless? I should have mentioned that she has to do it in the headlights of a squad car, with the officer calling out encouragement to her over the loudspeaker every few minutes lest any of the neighbors miss out on what's going on. But that's just another night in Hannah's life, apparently.
Hannah Is Consciously Embarrassed
If the above doesn't do it, nothing ever will again.
Hannah Is A Voice Of A Generation
God, I hope not.
7 / 18
Final Score
A pastoral remake of the 1994 Geena Davis movie Angie without Italian-Americans.
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