Girls Visits A Cabin In The Woods

Two of the Girls head north, but all four of their evenings go south.

It's been a while since the Girls were all together as a foursome. This week we get two pairs of them together, and yet the results are somehow twice as disastrous.

First, Hannah is joining Marnie and Desi for a road trip to Poughkeepsie. I can't imagine why any one of the three of them would think this is a good idea, but there they all are. And here, when they're in a remote cabin upstate in the middle of the night, is when Marnie discovers that Desi is desperately addicted to OxyContin. Once again, it takes a drug addiction for Marnie to realize that the terrible guy she's with is bad news.

Meanwhile, Shoshanna dragoons Elijah into impersonating her executive assistant at a women's networking event thrown by a couple of young entrepreneurs who just happened to be Shosh's best friends in college. But then she threw them over for Jessa, and they're not ready to forgive her, even after all this time. Which is understandable, because Jessa sucks, and we get plenty of reminders of that tonight too.

So does doubling the Girls' displeasure double this episode's score? Let's have a look, shall we?

Girls-y Element Present?
Someone Gets Naked
Hannah and Elijah have a fairly long expository dialogue scene in which it turns out he hasn't been wearing anything but an "I SURVIVED SEASON 3 ALLY MCBEAL" t-shirt.
Scene In A Bathroom In Which Someone Is Performing An Actual Bathroom Function
Not so much.
Shoshanna Flips Out
Before she even appears onscreen, in fact. Elijah performs a strong rendition of her frantically imposing on him to join her at the networking event, which she stresses out about before, during, and after (while wearing hoop earrings the size of pennyfarthing wheels). Which is understandable, because blowing off the two future founders of "Jamba Jeans" in favor of Jessa back in the day has now altered Shoshanna's destiny irrevocably. And an ugly scene between the cousins ensues, with Elijah doing nothing to deescalate the situation. Not to defend Jessa, but I can't really get behind Shosh blaming Jessa for a choice that Shosh made, and Jessa is right about one thing, which is that those two women are awful.
Jessa Is Shockingly Late And/Or Inappropriate
Well, she's not late. In fact, she invites herself along to Shosh's networking event, immediately after the two of them have just recorded a video message in which Jessa warns their grandmother (they're cousins, remember?) against elder abuse and unprotected sex. Also, she steals a plate from the party. But at least she got there before Shoshanna and Elijah did.
Commentary On Modern Communications Technology/Techniques
The first thing Hannah says to a gorgeous antique-shop proprietor is "I have never felt such an intense need to just, like, Instagram a stranger."
Hannah Takes a Backhanded Compliment As a Sincere One "I can tell when a woman needs a new tea set," the shop owner tells Hannah. "In fact, I can tell when her life depends on it." I don't know what that means, but it can't be good. And it doesn't really turn out to be true anyway.
What The Eff Is Hannah Wearing
Her lemon-patterned blouse is actually pretty cute. I'm glad she's realizing that she generally looks her best in produce-themed prints.
Hannah Is Consciously Embarrassed
Hannah knocks some books off a shelf, but mostly seems annoyed about having to pick them up. I can tell because she feels better the second the shop owner lets her off the hook.
Hannah Probably Should Be Embarrassed But Isn't
Well, see above.
Adam Needs A Safe Word
Adam's not around this episode, which is probably why Jessa is bored enough to horn in on Shosh's plans for the evening.
Someone Bitches About Hannah In Her Absence
No, but after Hannah reveals to Elijah the sacred secret that Marnie is having sex with Desi again, Elijah later blabs it to Shosh and Jessa while they're arguing about something entirely different. So that should be getting back to Ray in
Hannah Keeps Talking When Maybe She Should Stop
She's downright reticent with Marnie and Desi, at least by Hannah standards. But if she's going to tell Elijah about Marnie and Desi, she probably shouldn't be congratulating herself in the very next breath for being such a great secret-keeper.
Shut Up, Ray
Ray is also not seen this episode. He and Adam are lucky.
Conversation Interrupted By A "Surprise" Kiss
Can we count the weird scene Hannah witnesses through the shop window in which Desi and Marnie go from arguing to macking and back to arguing in under ten seconds? I suppose we can.
Hannah Has No Practical Job Skills
She knows how to score a free china tea set, it turns out. And later, she administers first aid in the form of wrapping a tea towel around the bloody hand that Desi pushed through a kitchen window during his latest meltdown (smashing her tea set in the process). But most alarmingly, freeze-framing on a screen showing an opening paragraph she's writing kind of makes me want to read more of the story. Nobody is more surprised about this than I am.
Hannah Blows Up A Current Or Potential Revenue Stream
If she can keep her writing this non-obnoxious and keep the tea services coming in, she should be okay.
Appearance Of One Or More Familiar Guest Actors
Joy Bryant from Parenthood plays the Instagrammable shop owner, while one of Shosh's ex-friends is Annie Q. from The Leftovers.
Hannah Is A Voice Of A Generation
"But seriously, Marnie, it can be pretty hard to have observations about someone when you're only thinking about yourself. I would know."
10 / 18
Final Score
Ash Vs. The Evil Ex
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