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Do Not Girls Gentle Into That Good Night

As Girls announces its end date, we predict some of the characters' finale-fitting faceplants.

It's official: Girls will conclude its run after its sixth season finishes airing in 2017. Lena Dunham has promised to "go off into the world" when the series wraps near her thirtieth birthday, but if spending one's twenties broadcasting one's stream of consciousness to millions of paying cable subscribers and millions more thinkpiece writers while frequently naked isn't already being "in the world," one shudders to think what is.

One also shudders to think of the kind of terrible decisions the titular Girls will make before the show is gone for good (for very good, depending on whom you ask). From acting as one's own hairstylist/otolaryngologist the day one's book is due, to resisting arrest for public urination, to agreeing to marry a narcissistic tool, to an illicit poke with a security guard, the characters haven't always made the most brilliant moves. It's going to take some doing for them to be even worse at life than they already have been. But I believe that may be the one thing they can actually accomplish. What follows are some ways in which they may yet hit rock bottom and then traipse blithely onto a down-escalator.

  • Hannah continues to be handed opportunities befitting a much better writer, and handle them like a much worse one. Inexplicably tapped to pen the screenplay adaptation of Hamilton: The Musical, she permanently alienates the entire studio system by turning in a 390-page draft that is devoid of songs and focuses entirely on the inner life of Eleanor Roosevelt.
  • Marnie is thrilled to have gotten famous enough to be invited onstage during a Taylor Swift concert. She is already clutching a microphone and waving rapturously to a bemused crowd when she realizes the pop star was actually welcoming to the stage not Marnie Michaels, but Mr. Bret Michaels.
  • Hannah's teaching career takes a semi-expected turn when she is asked to cover for an absent art teacher and ends up modeling nude in a drawing class. For like a month.
  • Still regretting the circumstances surrounding the loss of her virginity, Shoshanna resolves to lose it again, but properly this time. While short on details, her plan seems to involve a sharp blow to the head and a tube of Krazy Glue™.
  • Despite being back in recovery, Jessa gets a job dispensing medical marijuana. She proudly boasts to all her friends, customers, and passersby that she never touches the stock. Who has time, with all the heroin she's doing?
  • Shoshanna tries to both restore her overachiever self-image, and get over Ray once and for all, by applying to be one of the astronauts on the one-way Mars One mission. She is turned down on the grounds of being too high-strung, but her spunky insistence carries her from mission control to the launching pad to the commander's chair itself.
  • Executive producer and Dunham mentor Judd Apatow calls in some favors, allowing Hannah to date the likes of Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, James Franco, and Paul Rudd (all playing themselves). Ultimately, however, she takes back an old boyfriend who, in addition to his historically shabby treatment of her, is now famous around the world for having recently murdered one of the most iconic characters from the last fifty years of popular culture.
  • What goes around comes around for Marnie; much as Desi cheated on Clementine with her, Marnie now endures the heartbreak of Desi burning through a series of young women named Pomegranate, Star, and Ugli.
  • Jessa takes Adam's toddler niece, Jessa-Hannah, for an outing on Coney Island, and loses her in the crowd while flirting with a blond-dreadlocked caricature artist in a utili-kilt. She responds to Caroline and Baird's enraged panic with dismissive lectures about helicopter parenting and their ingratitude for getting free babysitting.
  • Shoshanna's entire crew dies horribly on the Martian surface after she declares the baggy silhouette of their spacesuits "so 1989."
  • Out of sympathy for her jilted mom, Hannah tries to set her up with the other Bosom Buddy. Alas, Tom Hanks somehow ends up with Marnie's mom instead. As if.
  • Jessa lands herself in the hospital after Jessa-Hannah washes up on shore, and is laid up for weeks by a rolling-induced eye sprain.
  • Marnie wakes up in bed with Bret Michaels.