Screen: HBO

Closing Curtains

With all the big news dropping everywhere, how Girls-y can the season finale be?

It's opening night for Adam's play, but that's not anything close to the biggest thing that happens in the third-season finale. Hannah is accepted into the Iowa Writers' Workshop, which is amazing because we didn't even know she applied and also because doesn't she kind of suck? She breaks the news to Adam moments before he goes onstage, which, as sweetly as she does it, is kind of a dick move, given how clear he's been about his need to focus. But after the show he responds in kind, with interest, and then some, leaving their future more uncertain than ever. Hannah's happy ending this time around is with her acceptance letter, so we should be fully prepared for her to wake up snuggling it at the beginning of Season Four.

Also, Marnie finds herself at the center of a romantic cat's cradle. She confesses her affair with Ray to Shoshanna, who is already rather a mess after learning she isn't graduating, and who then unsuccessfully begs Ray to take her back during intermission. Also, before the play, Marnie finally scores that long-desired kiss from Desi in his dressing room. This leads to an ugly scene with her and Clementine later, and possibly to Desi getting dumped by Clementine after the show. So Marnie's making some ripples.

As for Jessa, she's sitting all this out because her new boss, the aging artist Beadie, has decided she wants Jessa's help with her latest project, which is dying. Could this be the one time Jessa actually comes through for someone? It's too early to tell what the final outcome will be, so all we can say at this stage is yes and no.

Oh, and did I mention that Adam's crazy sister Caroline, kicked out by Hannah lo these many weeks ago, has been living downstairs with Laird all this time and is pregnant with his baby? As we recently heard someone say about a different Gaby Hoffmann character in the Veronica Mars movie, "So this is happening."

So it was an eventful finale, as finales tend to be, but how Girls-y was it? One statistical analysis, coming right up.

Girls-y Element Present?
Someone Gets Naked Perhaps someone has finally told Lena Dunham how much money there is in syndication.
Scene In A Bathroom In Which Someone Is Performing An Actual Bathroom Function Marnie is fresh out of the shower when Hannah visits with the news about the Iowa Writers' Workshop. Also, Clementine encounters Marnie in the ladies' room at the theater during intermission as they're washing their hands. Literally, not figuratively.
Jessa Is Shockingly Late And/Or Inappropriate After giving Beadie the suicide pills, she actually moves pretty fast when her boss changes her mind.
Shoshanna Flips Out Boy, does she, trashing her apartment after finding out she's not graduating. She should have paced herself, because jumping on Marnie and screaming "I HATE YOU" as a reaction to Marnie's confession about Ray is almost an anticlimax.
What The Eff Is Hannah Wearing? Hannah's big fail is actually cosmetic; she attempts to copy a smoky eye out of a magazine picture of Olivia Wilde and ends up looking like she's been smoking up. The real sartorial offense is Elijah's suit, which looks very nice indeed until we see that it ends at mid-thigh.
Hannah Takes A Backhanded Compliment As A Sincere One Ray does remark on how Hannah is no longer "in a deep groove begrudging the success of others," but we don't get to see Hannah's reaction.
Hannah Is Consciously Embarrassed She probably wouldn’t have had Elijah wait with her at the stage door if she'd known Adam was going to yell at her for allegedly ruining his opening-night performance. But then, how did she not know that?
Hannah Probably Should Be Embarrassed But Isn't Walking around all night with her eye makeup looking like that? Yeesh.
Shirtless Adam Adam closes out the episode wearing a shirt and a suit and a tie. None of which are plaid!
Adam Needs A Safe Word Adam's bitching at Hannah after the show is totally out of line. Shockingly.
Someone Bitches About Hannah In Her Absence Adam just bitches about her to her face.
Commentary On Modern Communications Technology/Techniques Hannah calls her parents to break the news, and ends up talking to both of them on separate extensions when they answer simultaneously. Nobody mentions it, but as landlines become a thing of the past, Hannah's generation is probably the last one that will get to do that.
Hannah Keeps Talking When She Should Maybe Stop Not to blame the victim, but maybe the big "I'm moving to Iowa" news could have waited until the after-party.
Conversation Interrupted By A "Surprise" Kiss It finally happens between Marnie and Desi in his dressing room after she presents him with a pick that belonged to James Taylor. Or at least Marnie claims it did.
Shut Up, Ray He's actually getting pretty good at graciously rejecting the women on this show. Who would have ever thought he'd have to?
Hannah Has No Practical Job Skills At the moment, Hannah has no job.
Hannah Blows Up A Current Or Potential Revenue Stream Hannah currently has no revenue, but her parents encourage her to go to grad school. Whether they'll underwrite it remains to be seen.
Hannah Talks About Her Writing She kind of has to, in order to get advice from her parents on what to do. It's not like anyone else is there for her.
Appearance Of One Or More Familiar Guest Actors With no new guest stars, it's more of a greatest hits of the whole season. Minus Patti LuPone.
Hannah Is A Voice Of A Generation "It's made me want to find a hole in the world in the shape of me and just fill it up."
13 / 20
Closing the season out with the old lucky 13 seems about right.
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