Bride Of Girls

It's already Marnie's wedding day, with all the ultra-concentrated existential horror you would expect that to entail.

On the day of Marnie's wedding to Desi, everyone must be wondering how much of a Bridezilla she'll end up being, on a scale of 1 to Marnie. But of course we've already known for a while that she's the worst kind of control freak, which is to say the kind of control freak who insists on pretending she's super-chill about everything even as she's building up to the inevitable meltdown. Just be yourself, Marnie; after all, you'd hardly be the only asshole on the premises.

Because oh, let's see. Hannah is so actively useless to the enterprise that it's actually antagonistic; Adam's slowly and quietly imploding in a suit he claims to have "found" -- which, given the rest of his styling, isn't hard to believe; Jessa's extra full of crap even when she isn't kissing other people's exes; Marnie's mom is almost as bad as Marnie herself, but without the excuse of being the bride; and Ray alternates between lecturing and Olympic-level sulking. Not to mention the groom, whose half-baked hippy-dippy horseshit is so immediately exhausting that when he makes a dash for it, it's a relief.

As Hannah's current boyfriend Fran points out, though, it's a wedding, and emotions run high. So the only question is, how high does episode the score on the Show-O-Matic grid? Let's get the headcount.

Girls-y Element Present?
Someone Gets Naked Hannah sneaks out for some sex with Fran in the front seat of his car, while she's wearing her bridesmaid's dress. Her bottom half stays covered, but the airbags do deploy.
Scene In A Bathroom In Which Someone Is Performing An Actual Bathroom Function
Hannah does follow Marnie into the bathroom to talk her down, which is increasingly what bathrooms are for on this show. In an unusual display of decorum, Hannah refrains from copping a squat while they're in there.
Shoshanna Flips Out
Shosh is actually the calmest and most supportive person around, even when Marnie orders her to kick Fran out of the girls' prep room and then hangs her out to dry. Living in Japan seems to agree with her. Of course, she can't shut up about it, which probably helps.
Jessa Is Shockingly Late And/Or Inappropriate As always, she casts herself as the hero of the piece, acting all more-flowerchild-than-thou at Marnie and then walking around in giant rollers (that end up doing nothing at all, bee tee dubs). When Adam kisses her, she cuts him off. But once there's a line, Jessa can't not cross it, even if she's the one who drew it, so she kisses him back. Maybe that's why she then saves the day in the end by fixing everyone's hair and makeup. Or maybe swooping in at the last second to fix everything is her new brand. Either way, I'm not buying.
What The Eff Is Hannah Wearing? It looks like the same bridesmaid's dress Jess and Shosh are also wearing, but after freeing the girls for that car-sex with Fran, the arrangement of straps and sleeves and halter-whatever is just too much for her to reassemble properly, leaving her looking like a damp balloon animal.
Hannah Takes a Backhanded Compliment As a Sincere One Most of the backhanded compliments are being backhanded out in the guys' room, by Desi. And they are recognized as such.
Hannah Is Consciously Embarrassed She probably would be embarrassed by Marnie's antics if her own behavior weren't almost as poor.
Hannah Probably Should Be Embarrassed But Isn't Inviting Fran into the girls' prep room is a bit of a faux pas, but it's not like she feels bad about it.
Adam Needs A Safe Word
One wonders how he ever thought he could be an actor, the way he fails at pretending not to be in total crisis about Hannah attending the wedding with Fran. This manifests itself when he kisses Jessa, so thanks for forever ruining the one easy, relaxed, natural-seeming pairing of characters I can stand to watch on this show, Adam.
Someone Bitches About Hannah In Her Absence
Ray delivers this uncharacteristically maudlin assessment of Hannah while grilling Fran about his "intentions" toward her: "While she's painfully narcissistic, shockingly tone-deaf, and just generally one of the most insufferable people you'll ever meet, she means something to me." I think he only said that last part because he's so emotional about the woman he loves (for whatever reason) marrying someone else. Also, Hannah has barely finished storming out of a room when Marnie's mom sighs, "Why do we even bother with that girl?" Because the others are equally awful, is why.
Commentary On Modern Communications Technology/Techniques While Marnie and her mom get increasingly contentious over the flower-crown Marnie wants to wear down the aisle, Hannah and Shosh are utterly absorbed in their phones. Not that I blame them.
Hannah Keeps Talking When She Should Maybe Stop On the contrary, it could be argued that she has a moral obligation to tell Marnie she just found out this is Desi's eighth engagement. But she keeps it to herself because she doesn't want to get Fran in trouble for telling her. And maybe also because Marnie's already upset enough as it is. When this revelation inevitably comes to light at some future date, it may end up playing out like the movie 45 Years, about a marriage in crisis during its late stages. But in Marnie and Desi's case that's likely to be more like 45 minutes.
Shut Up, Ray Ray continues to cement his role as the one who gets all the best lines, including the above filibuster about Hannah. But then the lecture about marriage that he attempts to give Desi has the opposite effect he intended, in that it triggers one of Desi's all-too-frequent moronic epiphanies and persuades him to go through with the wedding after all. Plus Ray has probably ruined his suit in the process.
Conversation Interrupted By A "Surprise" Kiss See above re Jessa and Adam. Grr.
Hannah Has No Practical Job Skills However, she also has no practical skills as a bridesmaid; even the seemingly straightforward tasks Marnie assigns her are completely outside her microscopic wheelhouse. To be fair, one of those is to help maintain a chill atmosphere, which even the Dalai Lama wouldn't have been able to achieve.
Hannah Blows Up A Current Or Potential Revenue Stream But if she ever considered a career as a professional bridesmaid, we can assume that's off the table now.
Appearance Of One Or More Familiar Guest Actors Rita Wilson returns as the mother of the bride, and is a treasure as always. Comedy nerds may recognize up-and-comers Baron Vaughn and Bridget Everett, which is not to say that I did.
Hannah Is A Voice Of A Generation "It's like a romcom that even I wouldn’t want to watch....It's like a really bad romcom that's, like, too obvious and not funny."
10 / 18
Final Score
Lena Dunham's remake of Rachel Getting Married
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