A Girls Retreat

Hannah joins her mom for a spa weekend so that they can both learn something about the value of a kind man who makes you miserable.

Hannah's mom is attending a spa retreat for the weekend, and for some mysterious reason, she brings Hannah along. Loreen needs some time to get centered and make some decisions about her gay husband. And what better way to do that than with Hannah being a pill the whole time? Whatever Loreen expected from the "Spring Queening," it's not what she gets, as horror stories from divorced fellow guests make her realize that, in the grand scheme of things, a gay husband isn't so bad. Especially since the sex has been so great lately. Yeah, I don't know either.

Back home, Jessa introduces Adam to her sister Minerva, who has her work cut out for her in being even more off-putting than Jessa is. Fortunately, she's up to the challenge. But I can't really blame Minerva for not wanting to stake Jessa the money to go to therapist school, because Minerva knows what a flake Jessa is as well as all of the rest of us do. Well, all of the rest of us except Adam, who's got ad residuals burning a hole in his pocket and is only too happy to invest them in Jessa's education. So now the flames they'll eventually go down in will be just that much hotter.

As for Shoshanna: she's still in Japan and directing her usual overachiever traits into going native. But it turns out she's lying to herself, and to her boyfriend. Though not about the same thing. In any case, her days as an assistant manager at a cat café are clearly numbered.

And speaking of numbers, that sounds like a slick segue into tallying the score that definitively measures the Girls-iness of this week's episode. Let's add 'em up.

Girls-y Element Present?
Someone Gets Naked Definitely, now that Adam and Jessa are a proper item. Also, Hannah gets into bed bottomless, and gets someone else bottomless later on. More on that soon.
Scene In A Bathroom In Which Someone Is Performing An Actual Bathroom Function
Hannah won't even go in there to brush her teeth before bed, claiming that she'll go at it hard in the morning.
Shoshanna Flips Out
Quietly, but unmistakably. Her former boss Abigail shows up to check on her, and Shoshanna ends up taking her on a tour of a Japan that Abigail describes as like being "inside Katy Perry's vagina." She's got a nice job and a nice boyfriend, but she's had enough. And believe it or not, virginity is once again a thing with her. Too bad we'll probably never get the "Yosh and Shosh" reality show Abigail wished for.
Jessa Is Shockingly Late And/Or Inappropriate Reserving judgment on this. It's possible that she was lying about having a contraceptive sponge in when she told Adam not to pull out, but he seems willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. In more ways than one, in fact, as he offers to pay for her therapist school. Um, yay.
What The Eff Is Hannah Wearing Apparently Hannah didn't pack anything for the two-day retreat but a pair of Bermuda shorts, a tropical-print shirt, and an unflattering monokini. This is the Kobayashi Maru of travel wardrobes: a no-win scenario.
Hannah Is Consciously Embarrassed Spitting out a breadstick back into the communal bowl when the woman who's been flirting with her walks up? That throws her off-balance for a good three seconds.
Hannah Probably Should Be Embarrassed But Isn't Her prickly curmudgeon act is a little hard to take, given that the second-youngest guest at the spa is at least fifteen years her senior.
Hannah Takes a Backhanded Compliment As a Sincere One Quite the opposite; when told she's the first student that the (female!) yoga instructor has ever had sex with, she modestly says, "You don't have to say that." Later, when she bails in mid-act and the instructor manually finishes herself off before dissolving into sobs while Hannah dresses, Hannah doesn't take that as a compliment, either. She's just confused, which seems like the correct response.
Adam Needs A Safe Word
He's all about giving Jessa what she wants: first by finishing inside her, and then financing her education. Maybe there's a gentleman in there after all.
Someone Bitches About Hannah In Her Absence Hannah's mom complains that Hannah is too close to her during what is supposed to be alone time, but I don't think that counts.
Commentary On Modern Communications Technology/Techniques An unctuous spa employee is a little too gung-ho about enforcing the no-phones rule. Honestly, the only thing worse than cell phones is arbitrary rules against cell phones.
Hannah Keeps Talking When She Should Maybe Stop In fact, she has to hang up on her dad when he clearly wants to say and hear more.
Shut Up, Ray No Ray today. Maybe he finally came up with the idea to post a sign saying "Lids for paying customers only" and had to spend the rest of the week lying down.
Conversation Interrupted By A "Surprise" Kiss When Hannah lets the flirty yoga instructor take her into the sauna, the eventual outcome is pretty obvious. But they weren't so much talking as sharing some kind of yoga airplane-ride.
Hannah Has No Practical Job Skills You'd think this wouldn't be an issue while she's on a weekend retreat. But then there she is, struggling to use proper grammar while drafting an email to her boyfriend. As a reminder: Hannah is an English teacher.
Hannah Blows Up A Current Or Potential Revenue Stream Joining her mom on the spa retreat probably isn't costing her anything directly, but if she keeps making Loreen regret taking her along, the freebies are going to dry up.
Appearance Of One Or More Familiar Guest Actors Nobody jumps out at me other than Hannah's parents and Aidy Bryant as Abigail, who have been on before. But then I never watched Army Wives.
Hannah Is A Voice Of A Generation "My mom says I'm not capable of centering myself emotionally or spiritually since she and my dad fucked me up so good."
9 / 18
Final Score
Mad magazine's take on "the lighter side of spa vacations"
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