Well, it's that time of year when everyone braces for the pile of bodies.
And for very good reason. This hasn't been the greatest time of year for the past five years. I'm almost afraid to get into this week.
Don't be. It's not that bad.
Seriously? Thank goodness.
I was kidding. It's really bad. And in a completely new emotionally devastating way.
9. House Night's Watch/House Wildlings (tie)
Good news, Wildlings, you made it back to the wall and Ser Alliser Thorne didn't decide to open fire on you as you approached. Double victory!
Yep. He let them march their sad, bedraggled parade down Castle Black's version of Main Street.
Which could use some repairs. It's not in the greatest of shape.
Maybe we shouldn't set our expectations so high. It is being maintained by rapists and thieves, after all.
The bad news is: Nobody down here likes you, Wildlings. Yes, even you, Stompy The Awesome Giant. Even you.
Further bad news, you're marching to nowhere in the dead of winter with no real plan of action. Right about now is when it may be dawning on Jon Snow that his Wildling Relocation Project might have been half-baked.
If it was baked at all. Speaking of which, something baked probably sounds really great to the Wildlings about now.
Sorry. They're marching through a snowstorm. They get no warm food. Or food at all. Or warm anything really. But on the plus side, no White Walkers.
So, in comparison, this is like a vacation! Marching while hungry and freezing probably seems pretty awesome after what they just lived through in Hardhome.
Yeah. Can't imagine anyone's thinking, "Gods, this sucks! We should have just stayed in Hardhome!"
7. House Lannister / House Martell (tie)
Much like the Houses above, only marginal good news for House Lannister this week. Mostly: congratulations, you are not going to be murdered! And neither is your pal, and everyone's favorite sell-sword, Bronn.
There's also the good news about the future wedding of Myrcella and Trystane. Sure, it's mostly a political move, but those two crazy kids really seem to love each other! I think you're forgetting about that.
No, I think you're forgetting about how terrible weddings are here.
So, you're saying, just because of a couple dozen wedding-related fatalities in recent memory, we're not going to go to this one? We're seriously going to mark "cannot attend" on the card?
Of course not. We're going. I mean, they have a band and an open bar. We're definitely going. We're just leaving early, before…you know…
Oh, yeah. Good idea. We should definitely leave before that.
5. House Stark
It is exciting to see Arya presented with an opportunity to cross another name off of her list, specifically Ser Meryn Trant, the man who killed her sword-fighting instructor.
And in case you didn't think he deserved to get killed just because of that, or in case you don't remember who he is or what happened at all, there's also a little detail about his personal bedroom tastes.
Yeah. He's gross. Which, while it makes him seem more deserving of his fate, it also makes me worry he'll survive somehow.
Because of how this world is filled with gross people doing gross things?
Yes. Sad that she didn't just freak out and open him up with her oyster knife.
That's the problem with you kids these days. You want everything right now. Instant gratification.
I'm only three days younger than you, you know.
4. House Baratheon
I guess, maybe, forget about the Father Of The Year award.
Yeah. Stannis pretty much took himself out of the running for that.
Tough to stay on Stannis's side after that.
Totally. Let's just hope Melisandre isn't like, "So, yeah. About that. I made a slight miscalculation. We need a different sacrifice."
"Sorry! My bad! Totally my bad!"
"Years from now, we'll look back on this and laugh!"
Maybe not the best time to joke.
3. House Targaryen/House Smooth & Short (tie)
So there you are, just trying to enjoy a perfectly nice day at the fighting pits.
Like you do. The first match is a typical first match.
Big guy versus little guy. Looks like little guy's gonna do something surprising, instead he gets his head chopped off.
But the next match looks like a three-on-three.
Not sure I've heard that expression before.
Don't worry about it. You were saying?
Right. But the three-on-three is actually three one-on-ones, with only one winner.
But that's not even the big surprise.
No. Because Jorah Mormont is one of the fighters. And he almost gets killed. Which is tough on Daenerys, because even though she banished him --
Yep. She still cares about him.
But strong friend feelings.
So she's pretty happy, although guardedly so, that he ends up winning the fight. Only, what the? He's throwing a spear at her? What's that about?
"I thought I said, 'No hard feelings,' Jorah! Grow up!"
Actually, what it's about is the Sons of the Harpy. Jorah threw the spear at an assassin wearing a Sons of the Harpy mask, killing him and saving her.
And instantly, the stands are crawling with Sons of the Harpy, and they have their lucky stabbing masks on.
Daenerys, Missandei, Daario, Tyrion, Jorah and a dozen or so Unsullied try to escape. But they only end up trapped in the center of the fighting ring.
With more and more Sons of the Harpy crawling out of the woodwork.
Oh, crap. This is obviously another of those bloodbaths I should have seen coming.
1. House Dragon
Well, hello, Drogon. Welcome to the party.
No one told me this was a barbecue. Fun times for everybody! Except for the Sons of the Harpy. Not a lot of fun for them. They kind of get the raw end of the deal.
More like the "well-done" end, if you ask me. Hey-oh! High wing! Come on. Don't leave me hanging.
I will. Always. So Drogon, Daenerys's naughtiest dragon, returned in the nick of time to save the day, setting many Sons of the Harpy on fire.
While taking his fair share of spears to the body.
Yeah. It seemed like it might be bad news for Dany's number-one dragon. Right up until the time she climbed onto his back and flew away.
The moment we've all been waiting for, I think.
It was pretty great. Dany, cloaked in white, on the back of a big, black dragon, flying off toward the sun. And leaving Missandei, Daario, Tyrion, Jorah and the remaining Unsullied in the fighting ring. To fend for themselves apparently.
Oh no, the Sons of the Harpy left when Dany left. They ran off, terrified.
Even though the Sons of the Harpy did not retreat when Drogon flew into the fighting ring. But Drogon flying out of the arena somehow terrified them? I'm not sure I understand why they left so quickly.
It was probably the end of their shift. Just like a coincidental thing with Dany riding Drogon out of the arena.
So they left because they didn't want to go into overtime?
Sorry, it's the best explanation I've got for why they disappeared at the end.
It does seem rather convenie --
Look up there! A blonde lady riding a dragon into the sunset!
House Ravens, House Bolton, House Tyrell, House Whorehouse, House Big & Tall, House Tully, House Frey, House High Sparrow, House About A Drink?