It's fun to see old friends!
It sure is. Whether it's friends we haven't seen in a long time, or friends we were pretty convinced were dead.
But you know what's more fun?
Having fun times with those old friends?
Yep. Stoking a fire with vengeance is even more fun.
Well, then this week was probably an enjoyable one for you.
8. House Ravens
So, I'm guessing we're excited this week.
I wish that were the case but no.
How can we not be? We're back on the list!
Yes, we are. But the list is our bad boyfriend. And we just let it treat us badly as often as it does and then we just come running back.
But this time is different! Sansa needs us!
I know. And I want to believe it too. But another part of me really feels like we need help.
We do! That's what the message she's giving us is all about. Getting help. For Jon Snow and his small army.
That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about how ready we are to be mistreated over and over again.
Oh…right. But this time…Sansa!
Oh, you adorable idiot. I wish I had your optimism.
Of course it is. Of course it is.
7. House Dog House
Last time we saw The Hound, Brienne of Tarth had knocked him off a mountain, and then Arya robbed him and left him to die there.
Well…it's a little hard to defend The Hound's position on women's rights.
True. I'm guess what I'm trying to say is I'm glad he's back. For all his flaws, The Hound did protect and care for Arya for a long time. And, dammit, I missed him.
I'm just excited to point out that we accurately called it, nearly two years ago.
Yes, we did. I said
, "People in Westeros don't slowly expire on a hillside. They go out with a bang."
So, welcome back, Hound. We missed you and can't wait for you to get your murder on.
Yes, please. And I'm making another Hound-based prediction right here, right now.
Might as well, you're one for one.
The Hound's road will end up with him having to face his more horrible brother The Mountain in a battle to the death.
More horrible and recently reanimated.
Recently reanimated! It's all the rage these days. Everyone who's anyone in Westeros is coming back from the dead!
6. House Stark
Pretty humbling week for the Starks.
Yeah, their Starkapalooza Winter Tour started off strong but ended up with a real Gathering of the Juggalos stench about it.
I'm assuming that means their attempt to raise an army didn't go well.
Of course that's what it meant. What else could it possibly mean?
It could possibly mean almost anything. The words you say frequently mean nothing to my ears.
Ugh, you're being such a Miranda right now!
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Look, we're both saying the same thing.
Yes! Arya's path back to Westeros suffered a bit of a setback.
Like I said, a bit of a setback. And Sansa and Jon Snow weren't having the best luck gathering an army.
They did get Wun Wun the Giant on board though. That's gotta count for something.
What really counts for something is Sansa's trust in us.
Yes. Sansa knows when the chips are down, who can you turn to? Ravens. Ravens are the answer.
I knew I always liked her best.
She's definitely the best.
Until she abandons us just like everyone else in Westeros does all the time.
Wow. Sounds like someone needs a hug. Can I give you a hug?
Technically? No I don't think you can. I'm not sure either one of us can give an effective hug.
True. What about having something regurgitated into your mouth? Would that make you feel better?
You know what? It might. Thanks.
5. House Lannister
Two Lannisters entered the fray this week. And two Lannisters got owned.
One in King's Landing, and the other at Riverrun.
More about both of those later, but for the time being, let's welcome Bronn back to the fold.
Couldn't be happier to have him back.
Without his needed boost, the Lannisters would have been much further down the chart.
Which means they're poised for a big comeback. And that's great news for them.
And terrible news, probably, for everyone within a dozen miles of them.
Oh yeah. Someone will pay for their indignities, no matter how large or small. Or how deserving they actually are of them. Someone will pay.
And the Lannisters themselves already shouted, "Not it!"
4. House Greyjoy
Hey, I've got a joke for you.
What do you call it when Theon and his sister Yara go to a brothel together?
I don't know. What do you call it?
A REEK attempt at intimacy!
Because he used to be called Reek.
And he can't be intimate at a brothel, because he's got no business beneath the equator.
We're all familiar with his misfortunes.
"A Reek attempt at intimacy." Come on, that's a good one.
3. House High Sparrow
For right now, the High Sparrow appears in control.
Except for the part where Margaery is completely playing him.
Yes. He's probably not long for this world.
Definitely not. There's a real ticking clock involved here. Provided clocks are a thing he even believes in.
It's unclear. We know combs, showers, and simple soaps don't make the cut. A working clock would seem unlikely.
Whatever the case, he probably doesn't see this coming.
What doesn't he see coming?
The terrible fate that most certainly awaits him.
Probably one of The Mountain's famous headache cures.
If he's lucky, it's just that.
2. House Tyrell
Margaery's so-far-unknown plot wasn't what put Tyrell above High Sparrow this week.
Although that is very intriguing.
It is. But even better was Olenna's smack-down of Cersei, who foolishly wandered into the Queen of Thorns' chambers thinking she could convince her of the necessity for them to band together.
How'd that work out for her?
Hmm, let me check my notes. First, Olenna blamed Cersei for the entirety of the current situation.
There's something you hear almost never.
True, but in Cersei's defense, she did admit she opened the door for the High Sparrow to take power.
Then Olenna said to Cersei, "I wonder if you're the worst person I've ever met."
And she closed with, "You've lost, Cersei. It's the only joy I can find in all this misery." Which was a very solid mic drop.
No idea what that could mean.
Like she was walking off the stage after a great set at The Apollo Theater.
These are all things you're just making up on the spot to see if I'll go along with them, aren't they? Only to make me look foolish later?
Would that make you feel better if that were true?
1. House Tully
Completing our trio of badass dudes this week is the Blackfish.
The other two being The Hound and Bronn?
Exactly. The Blackfish's solid showing trebuchet'd his house right to the top of the chart.
I see what you did there with trebuchet. You made it a verb.
Not particularly. But I did enjoy how he laid Jaime Lannister low by calling Jaime "disappointing."
He must be a dad. Only dads truly know how to make that sentiment land like a well-thrown punch.
To give credit where credit is due, Bronn did warn Jaime that in a fight, he'd put his money "on the old boy."
Another reason to love Bronn.
Anyway, haven't seen the Blackfish in three years, and I honestly can't remember what we saw of him back then, but I like him so much already I'm convinced he'll be killed before my eyes next week.
Yeah. There's no way he survives, is there?
House Frey, House Targaryen, House Night's Watch, House Bolton, House Sam & Gilly, House White Walkers, House Wildlings, House Whorehouse, House Martell, House Baratheon, House Dany's Boys, House Representatives.