North By Northwesteros
The Ravens rank the Houses of the season premiere of Game Of Thrones!
Caw! I'm Blackie.
Caw! I'm Bitey.
Look, before we begin, I think it's time we accepted something as fact. The stock of ravens in general...
...which was already plummeting throughout last season...
Yes, it has bottomed out. In fact, we seem to have been completely replaced by crows.
By both actual crows and "crows."
Yes, with "crows" being the nickname the Wildlings have for the men of the Knight's Watch, which comes from their black garb. And therefore, quite frankly, could have just as easily been "Ravens."
Just as easily. Ravens would have even sounded better.
So it had to have been on purpose.
Insult to injury.
So, like I said, our stock? Right in the crapper.
And that's a Westeros crapper. So, in all likelihood not a pleasant place to begin with.
Not that we know firsthand. We just poop from the sky.
A superior choice, all things considered.
But our point is...
We have a point?
Surprisingly, yes! Our point is that a lot of people's stock has taken a beating since the events of last season's finale.
Very true. You're never at the top of the heap in Westeros for very long.
So let's see where the various houses rank after this, the first episode of the fourth season. Shall we?
1. House Lannister
The Lannisters top the list, for the time being, because currently they rule the Iron Throne. Also, most of their family is still alive, which is no small feat.
Very true. But I do have to say, their #1 ranking is mostly a carryover from the events of last season. House Lannister was riding high. Jaime was finally reunited with Cersei, his girlfriend/sister.
We'll work on that.
But, turns out, Cersei is less than understanding of Jaime's absence. I might go so far as to say she's being a bit of a See You Next Tuesday.
Totally. In fact, all the Lannisters pretty much treat Jaime's capture and de-hand-ification as if he had taken a months-long siesta or Booze Cruise. All of them, with the exception of Tyrion, are a little bit like, "What have you done for us lately, Mr. One Hand?"
In case you needed to be reminded of the exact level of douchebaggery in the Lannister family. Which is extraordinarily high.
So, the Lannisters top the list, but maybe not for long?
Yeah. It seems like there might be trouble brewing. In Westeros, of all places!
2. House Martell
Welcome to Westeros, Oberyn Martell, otherwise known as The Red Viper. Way to show up and immediately jump nearly to the top of the list.
#2 with a bullet, or in this case a dagger. I suspect he may play a part in lowering the stock of a certain House Lannister, what with that stabbing the generic Lannister guy in the hand business.
Seriously. What is it with those Lannisters and their hands? They all ought to wear giant gold hands, just for protection.
3. House Stark
At the end of last season, House Stark stock couldn't have been lower, considering how many of them were killed off.
Which was most of them.
They were as low as a house could be while still being ranked. But despite all of that, and thanks to the amazing commitment to vengeance of a certain Arya Stark, here they are a strong #3.
What a commitment to vengeance, indeed. I would not want to be on Arya's list.
House Stark also gets a boost from The Hound and Brienne, World's Tallest Female Knight. Even though I know neither is technically a Stark.
I'm 100% with you. Because they are both at least Pro-Stark, or House Stark Adjacent. And even more importantly, they increase this season's number of comedy duos to three.
Right. The Hound & Arya, Jaime & Brienne, and the classic and original Bronn & Tyrion.
4. House Targaryen
At the end of last season, one could argue that House Targaryen topped the rankings.
Had we done the rankings last season, it would have been a close call between House Targaryen and House Lannister.
But right now, with Daenerys, the Mother of Dragons, on the road to Meereen, things aren't looking all that great. First, the road itself is long and a little depressing.
Dead children on pikes every mile aren't exactly a winning bid for tourist dollars. I still believe billboards would be more effective.
And the dragons...well, the dragons are getting a little bitchy.
Looks like girlfriend isn't as in control of her "babies" as she thought.
She wouldn't have that problem with ravens. That's all I'm saying.
5. House Wildlings
Okay, not technically a house. But certainly one of the power players.
And gaining power this week with the addition of the scar-faced "crow-eaters," The Thenns.
Note to self: let's not invite the Thenns over for dinner.
6. House Night's Watch
"The wall is impenetrable," they say. "The Wildlings can't gather in groups of more than fifty without fighting amongst themselves," they say. "We'll be totally fine, guys," they say.
"What's hubris?" they say.
Exactly. Get ready for a long stay at the bottom of the list, "crows" of the Night's Watch, because I don't think the future holds a lot of Trivia Nights and Weekend Getaways for you guys. Just a series of dinners -- where you're the dinner, apparently.
And we're not just saying that because you're referred to as "crows" and we're ravens. That's not it at all.
That said, however...
7. House Ravens
Rounding out the bottom of the list, probably for forever, the Ravens.
Yep. Oh how the mighty, or at least the very, very useful, have fallen.
It's embarrassing, really. Not for us, for everyone else.
House Greyjoy, House Bolton, House Baratheon, House Frey, House Tyrell, House Tully, and House Arryn.
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