First, the good news. Stannis Baratheon does not appear in this episode.
And weirdly, now that he's gone, I miss him.
You are surprisingly fickle.
Nope. I refuse to believe you did that just for a pun.
Believe it! Now, what was the bad news?
Well, the bad news is there's bad news for nearly every person in Westeros.
Yeah, not a good week for self-esteem-building. But a great week for pillowbiters!
They finally got a shout-out this week. I was really starting to feel sorry for The Westeros Pillowbiters And Pipefitters Local. They've worked so hard for so long to get recognition. This means a lot to them.
They really have a union?
No, but wouldn't it be great if they did?
8. House Greyjoy
First of all, Theon/Reek actually cleans up okay. Is that terribly rude to say?
Not at all. I think we were all surprised. I mean, I'm sure Ramsay would have preferred Reek to, well, reek.
Exactly. But there was a good reason to have him cleaned up and nice. He was giving away the bride! So sweet. And then he got a mandatory ringside seat as the bride and groom consummated their wedding. How nice for him! What fun!
Real edge-of-your-seat fun. Real white-knuckle fun. Real barf-inducing fun.
Theon/Reek has a real kettle-on-boil quality to him. Only the kettle is welded shut, and the fire is really hot.
Someone's gonna get hurt when he blows.
Here's hoping it's Ramsay.
7. House Smooth & Short
Well, Jorah continues to be terrible at his job.
That's a really great question. If you thought having Greyscale was a bad enough fate for Jorah, think again.
Add "not eating anything really" and "captured by slavers" to the list.
That's a terrible list. But it almost worked out even worse for Tyrion, who nearly had his throat cut and his Little Tyrion chopped off as well.
At least they were going to do it in that order.
Much worse to reverse the order. Just ask Reek.
True, although I'd like to call into question the business model of the "cock merchant" to whom the slavers were going to sell Tyrion's junk. Not sure I'd feel comfortable investing my hard-earned money in a business based on buying and selling dingle-dangles.
Was someone asking you to invest? Follow-up question: Do you have something other than twigs and mud to invest?
No. It was more rhetorical than anything else.
What's weird about that? Is there something weird about that?
6. House Tyrell
And I said, and I quote, "Either Cersei destroys Margaery immediately or Cersei destroys Margaery slowly."
Fine. Anyway, I think we got our answer as to the speed with which Cersei would take down Margaery.
As fast as humanly possible was the answer.
Yep. Now both Margaery and Loras are dungeon-bound and Olenna couldn't do a thing to prevent it. Although, if I were Cersei, I might be apprehensive about Olenna's counter-punch.
She's proven herself handy with horrific poison and Lannisters at least once in her life. Maybe she'll go for two?
It would certainly make things interesting.
5. House Martell
You know, we considered adding another house this week, for Bronn and Jaime.
It almost seemed appropriate. We had the perfect name too.
Yeah. That's solid. But being captured by Doran Martell's men kind of defused the need for something like that.
Despite that, House Martell is a real mess right now. One half wants to kill Myrcella Baratheonnister, the other wants to protect her and possibly let her marry Trystane Martell.
I think I know a way that they can have it both ways.
4. House Stark
Meanwhile in the House of Black & White, Arya drew one step closer to becoming the super-powered revenge machine we've all been hoping for. And all she had to do was play The Game of Faces, which involved getting whipped with a stick repeatedly. "We never stop playing the game," said Jaqen H'ghar.
Other popular games at the House of Black & White include Corpsey Scrubby and Lie To A Sick Girl While Poisoning Her.
I think I might skip their next game night.
Yeah. We've got plans that night. Whenever it is.
So Arya seems well on the road to increased awesomeness. And Sansa sort of did too. At first.
Totally. When she smacked Myranda down with, "This is my home, you can't frighten me." It seemed like everything was coming up Sansa.
But then we got reminded of why she came back to Winterfell.
Normally wedding nights aren't the dread-inducing part of the festivities. Since the wedding itself is traditionally fatal.
Really takes the pressure off the wedding night if you know you're not going to live through the wedding itself.
True. Sadly, Sansa's night was terrible times two. A wedding and a wedding night, both with Ramsay. And one was worse than the other.
Hopefully, this becomes fuel for her to enact her revenge. Although revenge isn't something that seems to work out super-great for people in Westeros.
3. House Bolton
So yeah, the Boltons. Great people. Laugh a minute. They're totally moving up in the world, now that they've married into the Stark family.
And it couldn't have happened to a more deserving family.
Except it could have, with any other family in the land.
Other than the marriage -- and the unfortunate business afterwards -- not much change for the Boltons. They're still horrible. They're still gross. But until someone removes them from Winterfell, they'll stick around near the top of the chart.
2. House Whorehouse
At last, we finally got to hear what Littlefinger's plan was.
He could have been telling Cersei exactly what he was planning, or it could have been another lie. Honestly, I don't know if he knows the difference between truths and lies any more. He doesn't care about anybody's feelings. Whether they're people or not people at all. Especially then.
What are you talking about? Ohhhh. Right. The message he had to deliver to Cersei. The one that was so important he…
"Couldn't trust a raven." Couldn't trust a raven? Did you hear that garbage?
Couldn't trust a raven. Since when did we become the untrustworthy party, Mr. Lying Liarpants?
You're right. That wasn't a very nice thing to say about us. Even though, he wasn't in any way talking to us.
Oh, "couldn't trust a raven," huh? Well, I couldn't trust you. Not even for a second. How does that feel? Terrible, right? Want to talk untrustworthy? I bet you'll find a way to double-cross everyone.
Technically speaking, I don't think that's possible.
You'll double-cross everyone and then no one will trust you. And then you'll wish, you'll wish you had a raven around as a confidante.
I can't imagine that happening under any circumstances.
Well, I'm telling you it WON'T happen, because he's already burned that bridge.
So, to clarify, he definitely won't live in a future where his only friend would be a raven?
Nope. Not now. He blew his chance. Ravens never forget!
1. House Lannister
It's amazing. There's practically only one Lannister left in Westeros, and still House Lannister tops our chart this week.
All on the strength of Cersei, the reigning Greater Westeros Political Scheming Champion.
What's shocking is how Cersei does it without even the slightest bow to diplomacy.
None at all. She rejects diplomacy and everything it stands for.
Because diplomacy doesn't leave room for the wholesale slaughter of your enemies.
Which is weird. You'd think that'd be included in the diplomacy package.
If you're Cersei, you definitely find that weird. And somehow, even though she constantly makes way more enemies than she ever does allies, she seems unstoppable.
At some point you would think the enemies vs. allies ratio would no longer favor her.
But it never seems to. Take the head-to-head battle with Olenna, for example. It really seemed like Olenna had the upper hand. And she made some great points about how politically unwise it was to jail one Tyrell.
And Cersei seemed to concede the point, then defused the situation and placated Olenna. And moments later ended up jailing TWO Tyrells.
It's like a crazy magic trick. Only at the end no one applauds.
Because everyone but the magician is dead or in a dungeon.
House Big & Tall, House Night's Watch, House Ravens, House Targaryen, House Wildlings, House Baratheon, House Tully, House Frey, House White Walkers, House Party.