Good Grief, MORE Game Of Thrones Spinoff Ideas!
Because the Seven Kingdoms have so many more stories to tell.
Did you think that first list of Game Of Thrones spinoffs earlier this week represented a complete list of potential Westerosi properties? You couldn't be more wrong. The Seven Kingdoms are large and contain multitudes. Your dedicated GoT chroniclers offer another batch of very viable followups to the award-winning show. Take a look, HBO, and give us a call. Our rates are very reasonable!
How I Met My Brother
"Kids," Cersei begins*, "it was two hundred and eighty-three years after Aegon's Conquest. I was just a single girl in Casterly Rock, looking for love." And that's where this charmingly wacky tale begins, as we turn back the clock and watch Cersei Lannister stumble toward romantic fulfillment, aided by a quirky supporting cast of friends, servants, and woods witches. Will she find fairy-tale happiness with the strapping Rhaegar Targaryen? A torrid affair with Oberyn Martell? Or, is her true love the man who's been right under her nose this whole time?
*Since Cersei's own children have all died horrible deaths, she's narrating this story to a group of kidnapped orphans.
What's In The Box?
Varys hosts Westeros's most disturbing game show, which is also its most predictable. Every week, contestants from across the land take their best guesses as to what Varys has kept in a nasty-looking box in a dank corner of his home. Is it gold? Is it dragon eggs? Is it weapons forged from Valyrian steel? Nope, the answer is always, "a sorcerer." Every week, it's a sorcerer. The same sorcerer. Begging to be released -- from the box, or from this mortal coil. Seems like he'd take either. But every week Varys just closes the box, until the next week, when the process begins all over again. Such fun!
Dancing With The Sers
The brave knights of Westeros have pledged their lives to protecting the innocent and securing the Realm -- but that doesn't mean they can't cut loose once in a while! Each season, twelve noble paladins will trade their armor for sparkly costumes as they're paired up with some of the best royal court performers in the Seven Kingdoms! Sure, these fellows can destroy their liege's enemies, but can they destroy the dance floor? That's for the celebrity judges to decide. And if that wasn't enough excitement for you, there's another wild card in the mix: fickle host Robin Arryn, who's been known to throw some of the more boring contestants through the Moon Door!
Street Urchins Say The Darnedest Things!
Who doesn't love kids, right? And what's more adorable than a bunch of grubby little ragamuffins with soot-smudged faces finding out the secrets and lies of a city fraught with political intrigue? We're betting the answer is NOTHING! Disgraced maester Qyburn hosts this hilarious peek inside the mind of those kids most of King's Landing ignore or at least actively pretend not to see. What secrets will they reveal? Whose names will they mention? And who will get knifed by their tiny, adorable hands at the end of each episode? We'll never tell!
Last Reek Tonight
Want to stay current on all the political machinations in the Seven Kingdoms? Let the former Theon Greyjoy be your guide. Every seven days, Reek will take you on a tour of the power struggles in Westeros and beyond. As a former insider, Reek offers a unique perspective on everything Iron Throne-related. Is it an unflinching look at what's going on? Quite the opposite. There's more than a fair amount of flinching, as well as groveling, cringing, kowtowing, and long silent moments of shame-based dissociation. But for a weekly -- or rather Reekly dose of political analysis, there's really no other choice.
Westeros's Next Top Whore
Devastating wars, civil unrest, and aggressive purging by the Faith Militant have all contributed to a shortage of quality courtesans in Westeros's many whorehouses. (Not helping: the fact that so many young women these days are taking control of their destinies and becoming knights, rulers, or assassins.) But Petyr Baelish has a business to run, and that business relies on a steady stream of nubile flesh. How better to revitalize the world's oldest profession than by holding a high-stakes competition that will crown one young woman (or man! Littlefinger isn't picky!) the greatest pleasure-giver in all the land? Witness the drama that's sure to unfold as our aspiring sex workers are forced to live together in a rat-infested tenement in Flea Bottom, while spending their days learning the erotic arts, sitting for nude portraits, and, of course, doing their go-sees. The winner will get a binding lifetime contract with Littlefinger's brothel, but so will all the other contestants.
Friday Night Fights
Meereen is an old-fashioned city that holds to old-fashioned values. Family. Religion. Hard work. (That last one's pretty much non-negotiable, thanks to slavery!) There's a lot of different kinds of folk here -- young and old, rich and poor, castrated and testicle-having -- but every Friday night, every one of them heads for the same spot: The Fighting Pits. Sure, you'll find sports fans in lots of other cities, but none are as passionate as the Meereenese. There's just something about getting together with your family and friends, packing up some pigeon pie and ales in a cooler, and settling in to watch a couple bare-chested men battle to the gruesome death. These are the small but heartwarming stories of everything that happens on and off the field, the inspiring journeys of the athletes who put everything on the line for a chance at the limelight, and the irresistible drama of a town where anything is possible for those who have clear eyes, full hearts, and the willingness to rip out strangers' throats for money.
Face-Off With Jaqen H'ghar
The competition show to end all competition shows. Are you ready to try to best the Faceless Men at their own game? What exactly is their game? Well, that's a little open to interpretation. Face Off With Jaqen H'ghar is the only game show where no one wins every week, because the winner must completely be no one! Don't understand? Don't worry. There will be several weeks of training to watch. Endless weeks of training. Redundant weeks of training -- so much that you'll begin to wonder: is there even a competition show here? We'll be honest. We've seen the entire series, and even we don't know!
Say Yes To The Dress (Or We'll Behead You)
There's no drama like wedding drama, and that goes double when the wedding is a compulsory one -- no matter whether the person forcing you to get married is your father, the Queen, or just some devious whoremaster whose assistance you now wish you'd refused. But just because you're about to spend the rest of your life trapped in a marriage that will be loveless at best and violently abusive at worst, don't you dare think you're off the hook when it comes to choosing the perfect dress! (Seriously, don't you dare. We're watching you. Always.) The seamstresses are working overtime to make you look your best, and their reputations are on the line -- as are their heads -- so it's time to stop crying in your bed and start figuring out whether you need an A-line or a bias cut. So many decisions to make, but it'll all be worth it when you walk down the aisle and finally look your intended in the face (and imagine that face being ripped apart by starving dogs).
Stark Raving Dead
In all of the Seven Kingdoms, no family is more beloved than the Starks. Of course, no family is more dead either. But what if we were able to see what the Wardens of the North were doing now -- now that they're dead and gone? Seems impossible, right? Not any more! Follow the adventures in the afterlife of fan favorites like Ned, Catelyn, Robb, Rickon, Lyanna, and all of those adorable direwolves! Turns out the afterlife is no simpler to navigate for a basically honorable family such as the Starks, especially now that so many of their adversaries have joined them. What will happen when Ned runs into Joffrey in the afterlife? Hard to predict, but you can bet it'll be AWKWARD!
After years and years of mutual animosity, dragons and ravens unite for a brand-new show. Drogon, Viserion, and Rhaegal team up with Blackie and Bitey to run a small airport/post office ostensibly servicing all of the Seven Kingdoms. Co-starring Crystal Bernard.