Game Of Thrones's Red Woman Weighs In On Dove Chocolate's New Commercial
Has Dove Chocolate's latest ad campaign gone too far? One witch says yes!
Hello, I'm Melisandre from Asshai. I'm a shadowbinder and priestess of the god R'hilor, a former advisor to Stannis Baratheon, and most recently re-animator of Jon Snow. I only clarify my CV because I feel like it's pertinent when addressing the topic at hand, namely this commercial for Dove Chocolate.
Hey, I hate to be a witch with a capital W (though, full disclosure: I literally am one), but I've got a real bone to pick with this piece of advertising. Does anyone else see the similarities between the female protagonist in this spot and a certain "Red Woman" of Westeros? Yeah, right? I'm not crazy, or in the parlance of this website, I Am Not A Crackpot. Excuse me for seeming self-involved, but I couldn't help noticing that Dove basically ripped off my life. I have definitely kissed a soldier's helmet, and I have danced along a precipice while an erstwhile lover tried to coax me away from the edge of danger. Oh, and I definitely begin the day young and vibrant, then crawl into bed at night a withered old hag. Remember?
And I do it with the help of something magical, just like the woman in the ad. In my case, it's a magical choker. In Dove's case, chocolates. One of those methods is totally feasible, and guess which one it is. (HINT: You can't eat it.)
Look, I know there are also many differences between me and the woman in the commercial. For starters, I have never even owned a skateboard. Were I to throw a dart at a random stranger only to miss and shatter the vase on his table, I would not giggle like some schoolgirl. I would grab another dart and make certain I did not miss. And as regards delivering a message to a strange man on a street, I think we all know I would never draw a happy face in the filth on his vehicle. Not when I could send a shadowbaby from my vagina to murder him. Also, I would never cut my own bangs.
So, nice try, Dove. Nice try in your attempt to appropriate my life, and your half-assed effort to disguise it by dressing her in blue instead of red. As if I wouldn't notice. Know that you are on notice -- not just from me, but from the Lord of Light. He may not come for you immediately, but there will come a day, or more likely a night, when his fiery vengeance will be visited upon you. Because you have messed with the wrong witch, and also your chocolate is overrated. But mostly the first thing.