Game Of Thrones Lets It All Hang Out
Come join the party, even if you're already dead!
You Know Nothing, Jon Snow Fans
Alert Type: Working Wake Alert.
Issue: Remember the guy we were totally, totally, totally sure wasn't dead? Because the showrunners were just messing with us, and we needed only wait out the months until the series came back and we could reassure ourselves that Jon Snow was only taking a peaceful siesta in the snow except with his eyes open and he spilled some merlot on him? Well, tough luck because he dead. (I mean, probably.) (Good chance.) (Shit, are they just messing with us some more?) (I SWEAR I WILL TURN THIS DRAGON AROUND IF YOU TWO WON'T CUT IT OUT.)
I mean, look, even Ghost is mourning him! It's possible he might eat him later, but right now: genuine mourning.
Jon's (probable) death means that the decks are really stacked against Davos and the few non-assholes left in the Night's Watch, so the white hats need to figure out a plan to keep themselves alive. Any suggestions? Seriously, Davos is open to anything. He might even entertain the idea of building a Jon Snow Bot.
Resolution: Well, maybe not that, but whatever do, they decide they're going to "return the favor" to Ser Alliser and his band of shitheels.
Spoiler: They might be getting some very...interesting assistance.
You were a horrible, twisted human being and then you fell to your death and now dogs are going to eat your face and I am totally on board with all that.
Heir Force One
Who called the meeting? Roose Bolton.
What's it about? A little small talk about the defeat of Stannis Baratheon's army -- and well done, mysterious definitely-male person who killed Stannis! -- followed by some more serious words on the topic of the Bolton family line.
How'd it go? Yeeeahhhh, turns out Roose has a somewhat limited sense of humor about his son's rapey-torture habits, especially when said habits are a direct threat to his legacy. I mean, if Ramsay chases away the only two people in the entire North with a claim to one of the great houses -- and that's exactly what he did, since Sansa and Theon/Reek are headed for parts unknown -- then all Roose can do is bet big on his wife Walda bearing him a masculine child...and if that happens, then Ramsay might as well cut off his own penis. (Okay, he might do that anyway. The guy has some issues.)
Lemme Go Ahead And Try This One More Time
Speaking of Sansa and Threekon, there they are, running for their lives and enduring some very cinematic hypothermia!
But it turns out Ramsay's search party is too fast for them! Is this episode's body count about to get even higher?
Nope! Here comes Brienne (and kind of Podrick)!
Brienne offers her knightly service to Sansa again, and it's much better received now that Ramsay has warmed up the room for her!
Sansa does her best to recite her half of the vows, and...I am NOT crying! I was just chopping some onions for this pigeon pie. (And then started sobbing uncontrollably at this beautiful, beautiful exchange.)
Love, Hate & Everything In Between
First Of All, I Thought We Agreed To Consult Each Other Before Getting New Hairstyles
The dreaded moment (well, one of many) is finally upon us, as Jaime sails back into King's Landing with some very sad news.
But if you thought Myrcella's death would be the end for the brother-and-sister-from-the-same-missus-and-mister, you're wrong. These two are determined to stick together and fight it out no matter the costs...and I have a feeling those costs are going to be pretty high. For other people. Don't forget, Cersei has Iceland's strongest undead man in her corner.
And Now, A Word From Our Sponsor
The Seven-Pointed Star: Good For Readin', Better For Slappin'
Hey, septa! Got a stubborn highborn in your prison who just won't confess, no matter how much you turn on the charm? A real stick in the mud, refusing to accept the totally reasonable punishment of walking naked for miles through King's Landing while people throw rotten food at her and her feet get all bloody and poopy and blood-poopy and also a first-year student at Supercuts Academy attempts to give her a Mia Farrow?
Well, we've got your solution right here. In fact, it's already in your hands! It's that book you spend all day and night reading so you can avoid going to the Seven Hells (in order: Hell; Bad Hell; Really Bad Hell; A Never-Ending Dinner Where This One Guy Keeps Asking You To Repeat Yourself; An Internet With Nothing But Old Geocities Pages; Super-Horrifyingly Bad Hell; and The Last Season Of Buffy).
Now, The Seven-Pointed Star was already pretty hefty to begin with, but we've added a whole bunch of extra pages to really up the "thunk" factor. Are those extra pages actually germane to Westerosi religious practices? That's not the point. I mean, we can sit here and debate whether or not a bible needs a "classifieds" section, or you can pick that bad boy up and get to walloping.
R.I.P. Areo Hotah, The Captain Of The Guard
Such a strong, loyal, and noble man he was. The best attendant a Dornish Prince could hope for: never leaving his liege's side, observing all manner of secret meetings with the utmost of discretion, and -- hold on --
R.I.P. Prince Doran
Well, I suppose with Areo dead it was only a matter of time before the Prince himself met his demise, and by "a matter of time" I mean "a matter of seconds." It might have been stretched out a bit longer if Doran had tried to take off running, but, you know...gout.
Where now lies the future of this once-proud kingdom? To whom can we turn for guidance in these turbulent -- uh, sorry, one sec --
R.I.P. Trystane Martell
Gosh. I'm sorry that all this obituary copy isn't more polished, but Elleria and the Sand Snakes didn't give us a whole lot of notice, NOT THAT WE'RE COMPLAINING ABOUT THAT, YOU LOVELY AND PERFECT LADIES WHO ARE SO GENEROUSLY ALLOWING US TO KEEP OUR SPLEENS.
(Bye, Trystane! First time I've ever said this, but you would've been safer in King's Landing.)
J. Walter Weatherman Lesson
Meanwhile in Meereen, Tyrion and Varys are doing their best Sorkin walk-and-talk as they attempt to mingle with the common folk in order to better understand the whole geopolitical deal around here. (Like, who's a real Son of the Harpy, and who's just calling themselves that because they're looking for a strong, frightening father figure?)
And they seem to be getting the hang of the place! Sure, Tyrion accidentally offers to purchase a poor woman's baby and eat it, but in his defense (a) Valyrian is an extremely difficult language and (b) that baby looked delicious.
But lo, what's this? Lots of people running away from something? Looks like something worth investigating, if Tyrion can tear himself away from that scrumptious infant for more than two seconds!
Uh oh! Khaleesi's entire fleet is on fire, and I mean actual fire, not the figurative kind that happens when you make a whole bunch of baskets in a row in NBA Jam. Man, Dany is going to feel pretty dumb when Drogon finally eats enough charred goats and/or children to gain the strength to fly her back to Meereen.
Sly And The Slowly-Turning-To-Stone
Alert Type: Khaleesi Scavenger Hunt Update Alert.
Issue: Jorah and Daario are getting closer to figuring out where the hell Dany disappeared to.
Complicating Factors: It isn't good news: Jorah's pretty sure she got taken away by a band of Dothraki. Also, he still hasn't told Daario about his terminal eczema.
Resolution: What do two guys who really want to have sex with the same silver-haired lady do when that lady gets kidnapped, even though they both know that only one of them gets to? Go after her, of course!
Spoiler: Dany could definitely use someone with Dothraki-killing on his résumé right now.
If I Have To Be A Crone, Can I At Least Be A Stoop Crone?
Who called the meeting? The long-ponytailed Khal Rhalkor.
What's it about? Like any Dothraki worth his salt, the Khal wants to sniff around his new female conquest and enjoy some 0.5-entendres at her expense before he drags her off to do things that George R.R. Martin assures us are 100% realistic in this 100% real world of dragons and magic and smoke babies.
How'd it go? Dany fights back -- verbally, since right now she's just a tiny lady with no dragons -- and proudly rattles off her many official queenly titles. Of course, those mean less than shit to the Khal, but Dany does have one last trump card in her tunic: she's the wife of the late Khal Drogo, and just like on Rescue Me, the Khals are strictly forbidden from banging each other's widows. (Un-like on Rescue Me, I'm still watching past the third season.) Dany thinks she can just ask for a ride back to Meereen now, no harm, no foul, she'll send them a postcard and a thousand horses...but she hasn't studied her Dothraki protocol as closely as she thinks. Turns out she's mandated by law to live out her remaining years as a crone in the Dosh Khaleen, the society of Dothraki widows that just hang out all day making potions and predicting the future and watching Castle. Gulp!
The Game Of (Getting Hit In The) Faces
What's the game? Stick-to-Stick Combat (Only-One-Combatant-Has-Eyes Edition).
What are the rules? Arya, who is now actually no-kidding blind, has to summon her best sword-fighting skills to disarm the waif -- who, it need hardly be said, is just as much of a smug know-it-all as she's always been. It also needs hardly be said that Ayra doesn't do very well at this, on account of she'd really gotten used to having all her senses.
Well, shit. Does she at least have a couple of coins to buy herself a muffin afterwards? She does.
Is there any chance that this blindness is temporary and Jaqen is going to clap his hands in a couple of episodes and reveal that it was all a test? Sure, I guess! But I don't freakin' know! They're not even using the books anymore! It's mass hysteria! Human sacrifice! Nymeria and Ser Pounce, living together!
Wait, How Come Only Davos Gets To Bring A Date? ...Never Mind
What's the occasion? Davos and the Snow Loyalists are still cooped up with the body of their former leader, except now Ser Alliser is getting impatient and really wants to negotiate...or, you know, kill them all. He's good either way.
What are the refreshments? If Davos agrees to leave Castle Black and head south? All the mutton he can eat!
Whose embarrassing public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? This one, I suppose, although I think it's unfair to call it "embarrassing"; I mean, cut her a little slack! She's probably been serving the Lord of Light since the Targaryens were still maintaining appropriate familial boundaries!
Hold on, did you say "public" scene? Oops. I misread that word, and I thought, um...you know, I'm just going to go ahead and end this here.