Cersei's Boy Troubles!
First, her son throws a fit about her jailing his wife, then her former lover/cousin gets her jailed! Ugh, Mondays, right?
Caw! I'm Blackie.
Caw! I'm Bitey.
It's getting late in the year.
As everyone around here is so fond of saying, with regularity, for the last five years: Winter is coming.
Sure, that too. In either case, you know what that means.
Yep. Time for the bodies to start piling up.
Exactly. Before you know it, there will be a big ol' pile of them.
Like Christmas morning, for psychopaths.
And this week felt like the week when everything was finally put into place, in the way that the contents of a bomb have to be assembled before they conspire to explode properly.
Oh, things are going to explode. Are they ever!
But first, nearly everyone got stripped of power.
Would it seem weird if we put all of the houses at the bottom of the list?
I don't think we can do that.
I thought we could do whatever we wanted. I thought this was a safe space.
Ha ha ha.
What's so funny about that?
You said "safe space" while sitting in a tree in Westeros. Naturally, I assumed you were making a joke.
I wasn't, but I can now see how silly that sounded.
12. House Lannister
Not the greatest week for this house. Lannister (Southern Chapter) remained stuck in Dorne, Jaime in a luxury inn, and Bronn in a shitty dungeon.
Membership has its privileges!
The mission to rescue Myrcella hit a few snags. Not the least of which was the poisoning of Bronn.
Though brief, and accompanied by free boobies. Which, I guess, if you're gonna get temporarily poisoned, that's the way to do it.
Back in King's Landing, Cersei sat on top of the world, all nearby foes vanquished, all signs pointed to future success. Until, suddenly, that wasn't the case any more. Not at all. Mere moments after leaving Margaery's cell with a self-satisfied smirk on her face, everything changed. For the worst.
That's the way it happens though, right? One moment, you're the most indestructible Queen Bitch in the universe, and the next thing you know…
The next thing you know, that humble religious fanatic you empowered throws YOU in a dungeon. You, of all people.
No one puts Cersei in a corner! Of a cell, in a dungeon, specifically!
Except the High Sparrow.
Correction: One person puts Cersei in a corner. I guess the lesson to be learned is: Don't have sex with your underaged cousin, if there's even a slight chance he might later have a religious conversion and incriminate you with salacious details of your affair.
Probably would have been best to leave it at: Don't have sex with your underaged cousin.
That seems awfully restrictive for Westeros, especially for a Lannister.
9. House Greyjoy/House Big & Tall/House Stark (tie)
If you hoped that House Greyjoy or House Stark might rise from the dismal darkness of last week…
As most of us did, I believe.
Well, if that describes you, you'll have to wait another week at least. Or forever.
Yes. Sansa's still stuck in a rape tower and her friendly old-lady ally, Ms. The North Remembers, has been flayed.
We had hopes for Theon to re-emerge triumphant, or at least partially so. But Ramsay did spend an entire year "training" him into Reek.
Perhaps that hope was foolish on our part.
Maybe. But still.
Yes. As you said, disappointing. And there stands Brienne, outside a nearby tavern, looking toward the Broken Tower, waiting for that signal candle in the window. Like a big, beautiful, powerful idiot.
What do you suppose Brienne and Podrick are doing to pass the time while waiting at that inn?
Um, I don't know.
Did you say, "I wish I knew"? Because I have the answer! Would you like to hear my lengthy series of rhymed couplets written about their stay at the nearby inn? As I have imagined it? I call it "Sexy Winterfell Stakeout"!
Oh dear gods no.
8. House Bolton
Good to see Ramsay keeping his flaying skills on point.
Yeah, if you don't stay in practice, you lose the touch. Next thing you know, all your friends are like, "You call that flaying?"
Friends can be so cruel. And you don't want to shame yourself in your new castle, in front of your dad.
The man who only recently de-bastardized you.
Especially because he's got another heir on the way. And that kid will probably be super-great at flaying.
Yeah, you don't want to be out-flayed by a newborn. That'd be totes embarrassing.
7. House Night's Watch
Jon Snow heading north to help the Wildlings isn't really good for anyone but the Wildlings. It is especially bad for Samwell Tarly. And even worse for Gilly.
I would say even worse for Maester Aemon. He actually died.
Not sure you can pin that one on Jon Snow.
Not sure you can prove he had nothing to do with it. We'll let the courts decide.
No we will not. Aemon did drop some useful information before he shuffled off, though. "Get out." That was the information.
Great advice. And Sam and Gilly should have gotten right on that. Could have avoided the whole near-raping and near-fatal-beating business. Although Sam and Gilly did then hook up.
Once again linking a near-death experience with sex.
With a special side dish of a silly sex sound.
Yes. What was that sound Sam made?
A combination: gratitude, surprise, delight, maybe a tiny bit of sadness…
Mixed with the cry of a confused baby owl…
And the sigh of a jaded dire wolf.
That's exactly it.
5. House Tyrell/House Whorehouse (tie)
Guess who has a plan?
Ugh, again? But let me guess, we don't actually hear it. It is only hinted at.
True. Like most of Littlefinger's plans, this one is also secret. But maybe somehow it will help Olenna get Loras and Margaery out of jail?
If not, Olenna will be fucking some shit up.
So it seems. She threatened Littlefinger in the future tense, imagining a world in which she was no longer around, and describing how super-dead Littlefinger would be were that to happen.
"If you kill me, you will be killed even MORE."
Essentially. No hint as to how that might work. I suppose that's a secret plan too.
In that way, they make a good team, I guess. Here's to the two of them and their new plan.
Whatever it is.
We'll never know!
Secret plans always work out the best, because no one can ever prove they didn't go exactly as planned.
4. House Baratheon
Weather and timing and other factors seem stacked against Stannis, but he's moving forward with his March To King's Landing!
It's for a good cause, though. I hope he reaches his goal!
No, it's not a fundraiser. It's a military attack.
Oh, sorry. I must have skimmed the flier.
But Stannis has his doubts, especially regarding the success of this campaign. He asked for the tiniest bit of assurance from Melisandre. And she was like, "I've got a super-awesome short cut, guaranteed to work. It involves your daughter, specifically her blood."
"Hmm. Doesn't she need her blood?"
"There are differing opinions on that."
"You and she probably believe she needs her blood to flow throughout her body providing nutrients and whatnot."
"Yes. That accurately describes our position. What is the counterpoint?"
"I would like her blood for a creepy pseudo-religious ritual."
"I don't know…"
"I wasn't finished yet."
"…for a creepy pseudo-religious ritual that would result in your ascension to the Iron Throne."
"I'm still not convinced. I'm kind of fond of my daughter."
"What if I threw in my boobs and smokin' vagina?"
"You meant 'smokin'' literally, didn't you?"
2. House Targaryen/House Smooth & Short
And just like that, Daenerys and Tyrion finally end up face-to-face.
It's the ultimate meet-cute. Although I'm not one hundred percent convinced they're gonna become a romantic item.
Says the bird who only moments ago tried to recite for me an epic rhymed poem about Brienne and Podrick.
It's more than an epic rhymed poem. It's an erotic journey of discovery!
Moving on! Dany and Tyrion are literally the only people on the chart this week to have a positive outcome. Their meeting was a win-win!
Was it really positive for both of them? I mean, I can see how it's positive for Tyrion. Meeting Dany keeps him out of the fighting pits and away from those greedy Cock Merchants. But how is it positive for Dany?
Are you kidding me? Tyrion has provided a boost to virtually everyone he has come in contact with: Bronn, Podrick…
Tywin, Joffrey, Shae…
Hmm. Okay. So the jury's out on that. But my point still stands. This is an exciting development.
That will end either in good news for Daenerys or her death.
I don't think those are the only two possible outcomes.
Are you new in town?
1. House High Sparrow
New House on the chart. Debuting at number one. Couldn't be denied, though. Biggest power play of the year.
Seems like Cersei forgot the first rule of being a power-mad tyrant.
"Never give an old man in a filthy tunic unfettered legal power and a militarized army of zealous followers."
Yeah, it's weird. That's a very well-known rule. I mean, it's super-specific, so I'm sure it doesn't come into play that often.
Which is probably why she forgot it.
Absolutely. She probably learned that rule back in Terrifying Despot School and thought, "Why memorize this? When will I ever need it?"
But then it bit her on the ass.
Now, she's in the dungeon, just like her frenemy Margaery. Oooh! It's like a medieval version of Orange Is The New Black!
I don't know what that is.
Me either! But I would totally binge-watch it on Netflix!
Also don't understand that.
It's how people do it now.
Nothing. Don't worry about it.
House Ravens, House Martell, House Wildlings, House Tully, House Frey, House White Walkers, House Majority.
What did you think?