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Reason Netflix released the whole season the same day.

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Fuller House Celebrates The New Year By Bringing Up Old Grudges

Danny, Jesse, and Joey finally take off their hugging and learning gloves and get real. But who drops the most devastating truth bomb in S02.E13?

Fuller House managed to come out with twenty-six episodes in 2016, an impressive output in quantity that is surely considered the product of devil magic in television circles nowadays. To celebrate this achievement, the second-season finale brings back Danny, Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey, and Becky to ring in 2017 with approximately 117 of DJ's close friends and family.

Netflix

Netflix

Some things go down, like DJ having to propose marriage to CJ on behalf of the tongue-tied Steve. While I would never use such salty language on a real-life podiatrist, I must ask Steve what the fuck is wrong with him? Rubbing his supposed bliss in an ex's face, in her house, knowing there are still romantic-style feelings between the two? It makes for some old-school sitcom shenanigans and misunderstandings, but man, is that messed up. Steve is supposed to be a likable man-child, right? Season 3 will most assuredly involve Steve and/or CJ calling off the wedding because of ol' Deej. Let's all pretend to act surprised when it happens.

Elsewhere: Popko gets a kiss from Ramona after he stops being his terrible no good self for all of two seconds. Boo. Jimmy waits an entire week after Stephanie said she loved him to bring up having a child together. Stephanie's talk with Becky about adoption -- we learned last season Stephanie is infertile -- is a really nice moment. Jesse and Becky introduce the family to their new addition: an adopted girl named Pamela, after Danny's deceased wife and Jesse's sister, an obvious but nonetheless very sweet and touching decision. Stamos and Loughlin have clearly not forgotten how to hit the sweet notes.

But the centerpiece to me is Danny, Jesse, and Joey getting into an argument after Jesse decides to make Joey Pamela's godfather. The reasoning is dubious: Joey is currently raising children, so he should add a goddaughter to his plate. What? His four kids are not well behaved at all. If anything, Danny should have simply been disqualified for his weird, cringeworthy midlife crisis a few episodes ago. Things are said, some of which I would imagine will not be forgotten and can never ever truly be taken back. From least mean to the downright soul-crushing:

  1. "Forever" Is Not Danny's Favorite Song
    Joey adds that the song that made Jesse a momentary star in Japan is a "bit of a snoozer." Jesse seems really heartbroken, even though he didn't even write the damn thing -- Dennis Wilson did. (It's sad that there are a bunch of people walking around this planet thinking "Forever" was written by Brian Wilson or Jesse Katsopolis.) I guess Jesse should be offended at the challenge to his musical taste, but it's not like Danny and Joey's opinion means thousands of Japanese people didn't willfully see and hear Jesse sing a cover version once upon a time. No no, Danny and Joey: you do not have that power.
  2. Joey Gets His Hair Cut At A Barber College
    So? The guy has four kids and a wife and probably can stand to cut a few corners. Joey even has the "perfect response," to use internet parlance: "Those students need the practice." It's not like his hair looks bad or anything.
  3. Jesse Dyes His Hair
    Joey drops the bomb we all suspected. (How he knows there is evidence on Jesse's pillowcase is another story for another day, probably.) It's probably a bit rough on Jesse to know for sure that people can tell he is trying to make himself look younger: his hair used to be his everything, after all. Earlier this season, he proudly showed off his bag full of hair products, which did not include any Just For Men. So when Joey tells his secret, the former Jesse And The Rippers frontman is definitely humbled. In case he didn't notice the "Happy 2017" signage, the reminder that time keeps moving forward is in the mirror every couple of weeks.
  4. People Hate Mr. Woodchuck
    Earlier in the episode, nobody looked pleased at the reveal that Mr. Woodchuck was joining the party, so it can't be completely surprising to Joey when Jesse admits to hating it. Still, Mr. Woodchuck is Joey's pride and joy -- the first of his five children, basically. And he isn't universally loved? (I should admit that, for whatever reason, the one time I laughed out loud this season was when Jesse, moments after making up with Danny and Joey, throws Mr. Woodchuck into the neighbor's pool. Humans hating puppets is hilarious to me, apparently.)
  5. The Only Reason People Watch Wake Up USA Is That They Like Becky
    Holy shit. And damn. Danny's repeated denials prove he really must have known Rebecca Donaldson is the true star of their show. That program, and Wake Up San Francisco, have been on a long time. There are thousands of episodes Danny can play in his mind now and forever and see for what they truly were: a big love affair between Becky and America. Danny was just a yammering slab of meat all along.

While it does get awkward watching three men I sort of grew up with -- fictional characters who might have shaped my standards of what makes a good father -- saying hurtful things to one another. Thankfully cooler heads prevail, peace is made...and I could go back to wondering why Danny and Joey weren't spending New Year's with their wives.

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