Photos: Syfy; FOX

Battle Of The FBI Blondes

It's Fringe's Olivia Dunham vs. Haven's Audrey Parker in a fair-haired law-enforcement face-off!

Which blonde will triumph in the sci-fi cop-drama genre: Fringe agent Olivia Dunham, or FBI/Haven PD officer Audrey Parker? Let's run the numbers.

Who has the more mysterious past?

Olivia was experimented on as a small child, which she then repressed, but her childhood and adult life were pretty normal until she started working as part of the Fringe Division, and the full extent of her childhood's weirdness takes a while to be revealed.

For Audrey Parker, on the other hand, repression could be her middle name...or her real name. Audrey has lived a slew of past lives. Her past identities are faked by the mysterious people of the barn. Name, birthday, life story: none of it's real. So, while Audrey might not remember all of her lives all the time, she takes this category on sheer volume.

Winner: Audrey.

Who has the cooler powers?

Audrey is immune to all of the Troubles -- superpowers with a cost that run in families -- plaguing Haven, and she keeps up with Haven's closeted skeletons pretty well. She survives a shape shifter attack, when everyone who got attacked died.

Olivia's involuntary participation in trials for Cortexiphan, a drug meant to increase brainpower, gave her pyrokinesis, telekinesis, electrokinesis, and the ability to travel between universes -- under the right conditions. While Audrey's immunity has no loopholes, Olivia's powers can only be summoned when she is extremely scared or in an isolation tank. But when Olivia's powers work, they are very impressive.

Winner: Olivia.

Who has the hotter boytoy?

Olivia's primary boytoy, Peter Bishop, isn't too hard on the eyes, not to mention he's a genius. His dabblings on the other side of legal give him a little bad-boy charm. Early Season 1 loverboy John Scott looked a little gross right before he died, but also wasn't too bad before that.

Audrey, on the other hand, has two attractive men vying for her affections. Duke Crocker, a criminal with a good heart, has a pirate's swagger and can speak and read in multiple languages. Nathan Wuornos is a detective who can't feel physical sensations, like touch or temperature, but his extremely bright blue eyes are excellent tools of seduction. Hotness is subjective, but in this commentator's opinion, Peter's genius and bad-boy looks can't compete with actual bad boy Duke and officer pretty Officer Pretty Nathan.

Winner: Audrey.

Who saves more lives?

"Protect and serve" isn't the FBI's motto, but a large part of an agent's job (at least on TV) is to stop people from getting hurt or killed, and both Olivia and Audrey have saved lives multiple times.

Olivia's jurisdiction begins as seemingly the Northeast Amtrak corridor, then expands to include most of this universe and most of an alternate universe. Audrey works mostly in a small town in Maine. Her job is more personal, and she generally deals on a more personal level. Olivia's criminals are more likely to have the intent to hurt people, while Audrey's are largely unaware that they are causing harm. Audrey's history of helping people runs far back almost to the American Revolution -- but Olivia's breadth of multi-universe saves outshine Audrey's depth of historical work.

Winner: Olivia.

Who has the better fashion sense?

Olivia's closet consists of mostly grey/black suits with light-colored button-ups. The audience doesn't see a lot of Olivia out of work, but even then she has the suit-and-light-shirt uniform on, or an equally straitlaced grey sleep shirt. Olivia's clothing doesn't change much until the fifth season; when the Fringe team is awakened after sitting in amber for 25 years, she adopts the black-and-leather look native to post-apocalypse movies and TV shows. Alternalivia has a more casual uniform of leather jackets and cargo pants. Her hair is also a fiery red.

When we first meet Audrey, she wears a light blue shirt with a dark grey suit, similar to Olivia's work drag, but Audrey's fashion does change after the pilot episode. She still wears blazers and button-ups, but pairs them with jeans for a more business-casual look. We also see Audrey outside of the work environment more often, and she wears a beautiful blue dress in the fourth episode of S1 that beats Olivia's suits any day.

Winner: Audrey.

Whose alternate personality is cooler?

Alternalivia is pretty awesome, and not just because she won gold for marksmanship at the Olympics. She has the respect and trust of the alternate Walter Bishop, a difficult thing to manage. "Fauxlivia" is less repressed than Original Olivia, despite the death of her partner, Lincoln Lee, in the fourth season (which has more emotional weight than original Olivia's partner Charlie Francis's death in Season 2). Baby Henry lets the audience see a side of Alternalivia that we don't with original Olivia.

Audrey Parker has been a bartender named Lexie Dewitt; Sarah Vernon, who was a military nurse after World War II; a civilian, Lucy Ripley, in the 1970s; Mara, who was there when the Troubles began; and myriad unnamed others. Audrey's alternates aren't as fleshed out as Olivia's, but quantity beats quality.

Winner: Audrey.

Verdict

I'd probably turn to Olivia Dunham to get me through an apocalypse alive, but Audrey is better for everyday crime-fighting and fashion advice.

Winner: Audrey Parker.