Ask Frasier's Live-In Housekeeper/ Physical Therapist/ Psychic

Want to break into housekeeping? Need your employer to stop making fat jokes? Daphne can help!

Dear Daphne,

I'm a housekeeper wannabe looking for some tips for breaking into the business. I'm not a very good cook, and I don't have any references. How do I convince people to let me live in their fancy houses with them for free?

-Totally Trustworthy

Oh, Trustworthy, if I had a farthing for every time someone asked me how to break into the business! I am a bit psychic, you know, so I can tell you that I do see you pulling it off eventually. Make the most of your time with that first job. Try showing off your conscientiousness by carrying around a load of laundry at all times; if you have an English accent, you could also try pestering everyone about taking "constitutionals." Also: if you can get someone to secretly fall in love with you right away, that's really the best kind of job security there is.

Dear Daphne,

I'm pregnant but I don't want my employer to know. Recently, he's been making lots of comments about how fat I am and insinuating that I'm eating because I'm in love with him, when nothing could be farther from the truth. How do I get him to lay off the fatty comments without telling him I'm pregnant?

-Bloated With Baby

Bloated, you poor dear! Your boss sounds like a buffoon, and I'm terribly sorry you're suffering like that.

First, have you considered walking around holding framed artwork? This is a really great way to hide pregnancy, in my experience. In a pinch, you can just stand behind the couch: don't move until your boss leaves the room. If he has installed one of those terrible pig sounds every time you open the fridge, then record the sound and use it as your ringtone. He'll get confused and sick of it very quickly.

Now, these tips should help you through the pregnancy, but after the baby comes, you'll want to take four or five weeks at a spa to lose the weight. It should come right off. (Leave the baby at home, she'll just be a distraction.)

Dear Daphne,

I'm working for a very charming family and I like the job very much, but they don't seem to understand boundaries at all. They're always putting me in the middle of family spats, or asking nosy questions about my private life. I love my job and I don't want to quit, but I really want them to mind their own business sometimes. What can I do?

-I'm Here To Cook Dinner, Not Referee

Listen, you didn't hear this from me, but I've found that when people are trying to get me involved in their petty fights, the best thing to do is 1) a very thoughtful smell-the-fart face, or 2) launch into a long and detailed story from your childhood. The less it has to do with the matter at hand the better. If you have siblings, try to remember weird games you played as a kid and then explain them in as much detail as you can. Don't let anybody stop or derail you. Works like a charm.

That said, I personally don't find boundaries that much of an issue. If you're living in their house, you have to expect you'll get very close. And I'm sure they know you so well. Have you thought about dating one of them? Just a thought! Sometimes the love of your life is right under your nose.


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