The Cabin In The Woods
Secrets, lies, regrets, and a square line stuffed in a round product placement, on Finding Carter.
And now it's time for ANOTHER road trip, this one with most of the gang, except Ofe, who I guess isn't on the show anymore, and Damon, who I guess is the new Ofe, and stupid Gabe, Self-Righteously Floofy-Haired Honesty Guy. That's kind of realistic even if Gabe's laissez-faire take on his father's hopes for his relationship with Elizabeth isn't; I do think someone would have told Taylor what happened once everyone else knew (probably Max), or that Taylor herself would have been like, "Why's everyone acting all hinky?", but that the news would spread among the whole group, and that at least one party would get his/her undies in a righter-of-injustices bunch about it, felt real to me.
Almost nothing else did. I enjoy seeing what the Finding Carter cast does with dumb dialogue and character beats, but throwing a semi-bottle episode in this close to the end of the season, when the revelation it's designed to elicit doesn't even come to pass during it? Quit stalling, FC.
Let's take a look at the high- and lowlights of last night's Finding Carter.
- Tay cool
The only correct response to her parents' oversharing foolishness is these excellent shades.
- David knows the thing about making a wish when your necklace clasp comes around to the front
I feel slightly less childish for still doing it every single time I pull the clasp around to my nape.
- "I think it all hurts the same."
I like that Madison got this line about whether to tell painful truths; Molly Kunz is not my favorite, but her lack of polish sells it here.
- "Okay! Sussing!"
I like Mason Dye as Damon. He's got fun readings and his forlorn query about the cocktails, complete with floppy body language, cracked me up.
- Anna Jacoby-Heron's rushed/nervous/relieved delivery in Taylor's porch-swing talk with Max
She's given a sizable heap of horseshit to play in "Rumour Has It" -- chiefly not-credible oblivion; see below -- and the character's at the mercy of whatever weird draggy timing the writers have in mind for the Max/Carter plot, but Jacoby-Heron makes you forget the contrivances.
Show of hands, people. Who cares? Eeeeeehhhhxactly. Madison's secret about Lori -- which Kathryn Prescott, in a rarity for her, did a shite job of selling Carter's dudgeon about, for good reason -- seems like the writers think it's way more important or interesting than it is? In any case, it's two of the weaker performers and they don't have much chemistry. Pass.
- The entire Hillary...issue
Leaving aside the Rube Goldbergian lengths the script has to go to here in 2015 to get Hillary over to the house when David isn't there, for the sole purpose of letting Elizabeth realize she still loves him -- and if she's still that into his chili, maybe she could ask what ever happened to his book about Carter -- and doesn't want to go through with the separation, maybe get the timeline right? Like, she rushes off after having one sip of wine, but later David says Hillary spent the afternoon there? So why would she finally decide it's too awkward to bear when Elizabeth has finally come through with the booze?
Also, maybe just leave a note instead of sitting on the edge of the couch in your maybe-boyfriend's not-quite-ex-wife's house like you have to poo?
- Taylor doesn't notice everyone's acting weird
Or that Carter's biting her lip almost off her face when she's saying she feels bad for not going with Carter to visit Lori, or that Max is audibly gulping through all their conversations. This is the smart one, no?
- Max's hair stays in that bun the whole episode
- Shut up, Gabe
Don't give advice to Elizabeth, don't put your father's romantic shit on blast, and don't all of a sudden remember you capital-L Liked Taylor last year for like five seconds after ignoring her lifetime crush on you. If you must blow up Carter and Max's spot, just do it already and stop blaring self-righteously at the others like you invented morality, but this isn't any of your business, Brandon.
- "Your parents will take care of it."
OH, WORD? ...Shut up, David. You too, Elizabeth! The "last thing" you want is for the kids "to be stressed out about" your impending separation? Then stop telling them every single thing about it in the name of transparency -- kids don't want transparency! They want routine! This is tied with David getting all pissy at her for not checking in about sending the financial papers, like, that's your lawyer's job?
- Said parents just...let the kids go up to the cabin unsupervised
With everything that's going on. When they know Bird will bring booze. And the Grandwilsons, to whom the cabin actually belongs, have nothing to say about it. SURE WHY NOT.
- "I can't wait to see the third one in theaters!"
Very convincing, audio comment on a film franchise I decline to name, which sounded as though it was recorded months later while riding between two subway cars! I shall consume this threequel forthwith!
...j/k, totally won't. First one had a garbage ending, is A. B, this is the product-placement equivalent of a sheisty local car-dealership ad. Get a grip, post.