Shut The Front Door

Finding Carter's ridiculousness, ranked.

In which the heretofore unseen and unmentioned Madison comes to town to shake things up, and the "parenting" hits...well, it's a low. I don't know how new it is. Let's rank the Finding Carter-ites from best to worst.

  1. Grandmeredith
    My notes, when Elizabeth couldn't find a pulse before the commercial break: "Baxter's agent finally came through, eh?" I love Grandmeredith and I'm relieved she's okay -- her side-eyeing the water she's offered upon coming to with a "Maybe a bourbon?" is, I trust, all the explanation I need as to why -- but I would not blame the actor at all for demanding to get killed off. (In a shoot-out with Crash. ...What? It makes as much sense as anything else on this Dawson's Krofft Family Hour, no?)
  2. Grant
    Zac Pullam's making the best of a dumb-ish storyline, and Grant's the only character who seems to understand how unacceptably adolescent his parents are acting.

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    Well, the only character under age 60.

  3. Max
    Has his hair up the whole episode, which is unfortunate. Lets Taylor's hurt feelings guilt him into talking about a sensitive subject, ditto.
  4. Carter
    I'd rather she have saved the Lori-suicide-attempt announcement for the next day and not ruined everyone's cake-feasting good time, but she's sweetly loyal to Taylor and otherwise inoffensive.
  5. Taylor
    She's allowed to feel hurt or confused that Max never told her his junkie father attacked his mother when he was six years old, forcing him to call 911 with his tiny bloody hands. She's not allowed to act like a mega-bitch about it, although, in her defense, the only reasonable answer to her crabby "Why didn't you tell me?" is "because the writers just thought of it," so it's hard to hold it too much against her. On the plus side, Taylor's snarky response to Elizabeth announcing she's going to the grocery store, "Oh, you know where it is?", is enjoyable. Hey, Taylor: do you think the way your parents' extracurricular love lives are being played like a single-camera sitcom is hilarious, or totes inappropes?

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    Well, really.

  6. Madison
    Her sole purpose is to stir shit up -- between Taylor and Max; between Carter's old life and new family -- and it's not Molly Kunz's fault that it's so clumsily done, plus I will award some points for the use of the word "trifecta." (And for having Madison ask if Grandmeredith is single.) But the "let's move in together" subplot is "Brinda meets a slam poet, wants to become an emancipated minor on 90210" levels of absurd, and her disappointed "you were like a free-range chicken" when she hears Carter's planning to respect the constraints of her grounding is...I don't even know what that is. Madison's also been kaffeeklatsching with Lori, apparently, which I can't even bring myself to object to because the show never knows what it wants to do with Lori from week to week.
  7. The facility in which Lori is confined
    Maybe keep a better eye on the patients, prison mental hospital?
  8. Elizabeth
    See below re: David, but why would you offer the TA a glass of wine? Why would you ask Kyle to stop by when you've called a family dinner? Why wouldn't you invite your parents in the first place? And who thinks parents actually say things like, "These teenagers live their lives like nothing bad is ever going to happen to them"? On this show, with the kidnappings and the shootings and the weird The Ice Storm marital arrangements? These people, I swear.
  9. PSA David
    "Texting and driving is just about one of the dumbest things you can do." I am genuinely surprised the writers resisted shoehorning a "gee willikers" into that line. I think it's safe to say that, when Werner Herzog has made a documentary short on the subject, said subject? Is covered. You know what subject isn't covered? David's book. Remember how he was writing a book? Has he moved on to a new project -- 481 Awkward Faces For Your Estranged Wife's Birthday, perhaps, or Acting Like The Teenagers Some Damn Fool Is Permitting You To "Parent"? And his whole "let's have a fun dinner and Grant will see how awesome home is" plan is fucking ridonk. What are you, five years old? YOU ARE HIS CUSTODIAL PARENT. ACT LIKE IT. GAAAAAHHHHH.
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