House And Guardin'

Crash enlists the Wilsons' help in hiding from his Shay-dy uncle, and everyone breaks up some more.

So, everyone's forgotten all about SATs and college/the future, which is fine, in favor of trying not to get flung off the Finding Carter-coaster as it whizzes through a series of stomach-dropping plot loop-dee-loops. And if you think that simile is bad, just wait until we get to Taylor's hypocritical PSA pronouncement about kids getting hooked on prescription pills!

...No, really. Wait as long as you want. Let it age like a fine...bottle of Four-Buck Chuck with half a cork bobbing around in it. It won't get any better.

I actually like that Finding Carter moved things along this week. I don't like how it did it; I don't like that the writers felt the need to turn Taylor into a depressed zombitch to get there (and then not really have any other characters call her out on it), or that nobody in this fuckin' family goes to therapy except Grant when he's the best adjusted of all of them (despite having a pajama-selection panic attack, which is sad and adorable), but I did like their solution to A Problem Like Crash, to wit: have him enlist in the army and run away from his problems. Not only is it actually believable even given his background -- at this particular point in American foreign policy, the armed forces can't be choosy, and haven't been -- but you know what else it means? Yeahhhhhhh buddy: BUZZ CUT. Praise the Lord and pass the clippers.

It does leave Finding Carter in something of a quandary, though. Elizabeth and David split, Crash is outtie (and Max is jobless again), Lori is (I guess?) a guest of WV DOC's mental-health professionals...now what? These were the plots, and they've all wrapped. Where to? Based on the previews, "now" we try to care about Gabe. Hmm.

...Nope!

Seriously, though: in the Carter-verse, there are, like, only three houses anyone can live in; nobody does any work, and only Taylor studies; the lone functional relationship, Maxlor, is one the writers are determined to avoid even if they have to assassinate Taylor's character to do it...and they avoided the central premise of the show, Carter's kidnapping, literally until it went away. What is the show about now?

My suggestion: do a hard Alias reset, then get the whole cast working on a community-theater musical. Waiting For Carterfman!

Okay, like that's worse than what actually happens? Let's see how typical last night's FC was.

Finding Carter-y Element Present?
The ol' good cop/bad cop (except for the "good cop" part) Elizabeth is yet again unable to wear the right hat -- mom hat; cop hat -- at the right time. Not that she's effective in the second place (see next category), and the raid on Shay's garage is ridiculous. I mean, speaking of musicals...West Side Story's cops had better blocking. And let's hear it for Officer Krupkyle deciding they needn't bother gathering evidence because Shay and the Shaylites obviously cleaned up and wiped down the garage. Nice procedure, dumbshit.
Please welcome the parents of the year! I'm not a child psychologist, or a parent, but it does seem to me like you need to shield your children from your kookoopants seeing-other-people arrangement, not discuss it with them after one of them busts you getting in after midnight from a date, Elizabeth. Not appropriate. Later, when David reams her for not calling him to discuss the Crash-bunking-there dealie, he snaps, "You're not the only parent here!" Welllllll, that's sort of true, in that neither of you is doing much parenting? And I must again renew my strenuous objection to the absence of family and individual counseling for this entire family, if only for PTSD. Watros and Denisof do a lovely job in their breakup scene; it doesn't make up for the weird writing these two and their marriage consistently get, or what inconsistent parenting they provide.
Max/Grant 2016 "You're the only one here who didn't think you were dating Kyle." - Grant with the zinger. His hair looks...well, still kind of terrible this week, but better. Max, meanwhile, is still trying to get through to Taylor that he still loves her and isn't with Bird, and though I feel like he should maybe consider giving up now because she's being the worst, I'd just like to acknowledge that the director acknowledged that this Bouncin' And Behavin' Battle only has one winner, and that's the viewer:

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His parting line to Crash about how he might get to go to "Bulgaria, Taiwan...those always seemed like cool places to me" is why we love Max in nutshell.

It's Log! Caleb Ruminer has a tough week. "What if. We'd been caught." "They'll. Come for me." Dishonorable mention to Jesse Carere's flaily "Taa-ee-aaaaylor!" when Taylor faints. Ask for another take next time, chiefie.
Clank! "What are you saying -- once a drug dealer, always a drug dealer?" Woof. Anna Jacoby-Heron almost gets by with "I've known a lot of kids that become dependent on their meds," but not quite.
Face-palm! I guess I can accept that Detective Elizabeth doesn't have Uncle Shay on her radar even in a town that size, when the entire family is allegedly notorious for dealing and when she's got a handful of wild hairs across her bung about Crash, so she would have researched his people. What I don't get is why Crash's drug-dealing is a dangerous horror, but Ofe's is kind of cute and enterprising -- and why he didn't really rip into Taylor for heisting his shit. What the hell?
Snif! Grant and Taylor's hug therapy. Aw.
Getting real Not the most realistic episode, obvi, and that David blunders into the Crash-pad situation with the quintessential TV/film grocery bag -- with a baguette AND greens sticking out the top, just in case we thought it was shoes? I don't know why prop peeps still do that -- just points that up.

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But I did love the post-hook-up sandwich discussion (Team Turkey Reuben all the way).

Style-watch Cute sweater on our heroine:

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Terrible hair on her star-crossed lover:

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Indie Director Of The Week Norman Buckley again.
9 / 10
Final Score
90%
Finding Carter
10%
Saving Private Mason
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