The onscreen-guide summaries never tell you anything, so we re-nutshelled some old episodes for you.

'Oh My God, My Dad Tried To Kill You!' 'Whatever. Let's Dance!'

And other more-accurate descriptions of Queer As Folk's first season. 2014.04.01

Lt. Addison Montgomery Shoots Her Married Navy Boyfriend Instead Of Learning To Fly An F-14 Properly

And other extremely accurate loglines from Law & Order's eighth season. 2014.03.12

Karen Is A Sensation At Her First West Village Hallowe'en Parade Because Duh

And other new episode blurbs for the first season of Will & Grace. 2014.02.21

A Planet Of Nymphos Horns Up The Away Team Until Stupid Wesley Breaks Some Silly Rule That's Punishable By Death

And other galactic highlights from the premiere season of Star Trek: The Next Generation. 2014.02.19

Call Her Miss Ross

Please welcome the best "lying witness, please" eye-roll on the Mothership roster as Sarah rewrites Law & Order's seventh-season loglines. 2014.02.10

Pregnancy Tests Used To Be The Size Of Vespas

And other critical information from the first season of Degrassi Junior High. 2014.01.15

Amanda Peet Got Patty Hearsted Into Robbing Two Delis And A Nightclub

And other glorious highlights from the sixth season of Law & Order: Mothership. 2014.01.07

Pussy Bonpensiero Jury-Tampers A Guy To Death

And other notorious highlights from Law & Order: Mothership's fifth season. 2013.12.12

Van Buren’s Finally In The House!

Collecting key moments from the fourth season of Law & Order. 2013.10.23

Rayanne's Mom And The Greek Are Running A Sweatshop

And other memorable moments from Law & Order's third season. 2013.10.18

Gang Activity

The West Beverly High gang coalesces in the second season of Beverly Hills, 90210. Welcome, David, into the cool crowd! ...So long, Scott, from this mortal coil. 2013.10.16

And That's A Wrap On The Cutest Married Couple In America

Not before some real ACK-TING from its newly minted Oscar winner, though! 2013.10.14

The Cutest Married Couple In America Have A Baby Now! A BABY!

That's what most episodes are about now, so...hope you like babies. 2013.10.09

Repressed Memories Solve The Etan Patz Case

And other cuddly memories from the second season of Law & Order: Mothership. 2013.10.03

Double Trouble

In the first season of Beverly Hills, 90210, Minnesota transplants Brenda and Brandon experience a culture shock. Or...maybe a lack-of-culture shock. 2013.10.01

The Cutest Married Couple In America Is Starting To Get A Little Bit Less Cute

She doesn't quite fully hate him yet, but you can tell she's starting to. 2013.09.20

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