Richard Foreman Jr. / AMC; Netflix

Fear The Walking Dead Takes On Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt In The Battle Of The Abandoned Hotels

The service is terrible, but if nothing kills you, you can take what you want from the minibar.

Staying in an abandoned hotels seem like an idea that's both creepy and romantic. You can do whatever you want, make lots of noise, and break into any vending machines you find. But part of the charm of a hotel stay is being served and kicking back, and you're not likely to do much of that if you're fighting off zombies or angry raccoons. Fear The Walking Dead (this week) and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (in Season 2) have each produced an episode in which its characters make hay at an empty (or supposedly empty!) hotel. Which one gets the five-star rating? Let's examine the data.

Which is the nicer hotel?

On Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, the Poconos hotel that Kimmy and Dong visit on a romantic getaway has apparently been abandoned since 2003, but it has its charms, including a butt-shaped tub, a ballroom, and a machine stocked full of the kinds of candies that probably have no expiration date.

Richard Foreman Jr. / AMC

Richard Foreman Jr. / AMC

On Fear The Walking Dead, the group of survivors that includes Strand, Madison, Alicia, and Ofelia arrives at a Mexican beach hotel after losing their yacht, The Abigail. (How do you lose a whole yacht? Ask these dummies.) Despite the current awful state of the apocalypse, the hotel itself is quite clean and has only been unused for a few months -- not thirteen years -- so there's a lot less dust, more fresh amenities (including a fully stocked bar downstairs), and clean sheets!

Winner: Fear The Walking Dead.

Which show's hotel offers the more romantic setting if you're in the mood?

The crew on Fear The Walking Dead has survival in mind, and despite the working showers in the hotel and plenty of booze, nobody has amorous intentions, especially since Madison is with her daughter, Strand is gay, and Ofelia is a complete pill.

Netflix

Netflix

On Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, despite a scary sign warning of spontaneous Jacuzzi pregnancy, Kimmy and Dong do manage to have some special grown-up alone time that almost culminates in sex before Kimmy bangs Dong on the head with a phone (twice!), and Dong has an allergic reaction to latex from a condom. If not for those two things, who knows what heights of passion may have been achieved?

Winner: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.

Which show's hotel is more accommodating for getting shitfaced drunk and spilling one's guts?

There doesn't appear to be any alcohol around for Kimmy and Dong to enjoy (and they're not drinkers anyway), so even non-rancid booze would be wasted on them.

The bar at the Mexico hotel, on the other hand, allows for Strand and Madison to get sloshed (unwisely, it turns out), and for Madison to tell the man more about her relationship with her kids in the most self-pitying, drunk way possible.

Richard Foreman Jr. / AMC

Richard Foreman Jr. / AMC

And if it's spilling guts you want, the two of them may be doing it literally when they're suddenly surrounded by the undead, who manage to get into the hotel as the episode closes.

Winner: Fear The Walking Dead.

Which show's abandoned hotel is easier to book?

There's no reservation system for the hotel on Fear The Walking Dead, so trying to get a room requires literally risking life and limb if the whole place happens be filled with the undead.

Meanwhile, for Kimmy and Dong's stay...

Netflix

Netflix

...it's simply a matter of sending a message to a raccoon who makes noises like a fax machine.

Winner: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Which show's abandoned hotel has a more relaxing bathing experience?

Netflix

Netflix

Unless you're into ancient, shitty, brown water that you can't bathe in, you're going to want to stay in the Mexico hotel, where there's still clean running water even as the world is going to Hell.

Winner: Fear The Walking Dead.

Verdict

While American excess may make even a long-abandoned hotel look fancy after years of neglect, there's only so much dust, decay, and wild-animal feces that any traveler should have to deal with. As both a strategic spot to stay alive and find shelter, and a place that hasn't been picked clean of its accoutrements, Strand's group happened upon the far better set of accommodations, however temporary they may be. Sure, the group might get killed by hordes of chompers, but luxury always has its price!

Winner: Fear The Walking Dead.

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