Area Mom Offers Tepid Endorsement Of Elementary

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Hello, I'm Pamie.
Hello, I'm Pamie's Mom.

The Scene

Well, Mom, this is your first day as a television critic. Maybe we should tell people your credentials.
Ha! ...uh.... I’m the mother of Pam. I’m the mother of Pamie, that’s my credentials. That’s it.
What are your favorite shows?
Now? Okay, uh, because they took away a lot of my favorite shows. I still like NCIS and kind of the Los Angeles one, too. Um. The new...trying to think...my mind’s going blank because you asked that...uh...Falling Skies, but that’s not on right now. Um...trying to think of what I’m watching right now. Oh, Castle! I like, I love Castle. I like that one. And I like, um, Mentalist. And...um...CSI New York and uh, Vegas. No Miami! No way. Hate that redhead.
You don’t like David Caruso?
I don’t like him. I think he...he just reminds me of uh...a hammy um...Star Trek guy. What’s his name...you know...you know who I mean. Hey, you’re supposed to fill in for me!
I’m tempted not to help you now that you’re doing this professionally!
Just do it!
Uh, Shatner?
Shatner. Right. Yeah. Him. He just bends his head and looks at you like... he’s the sweetest guy in the world. I want to just [MIMES BEATING HIM] “Stop it!” No. Not crazy about Caruso. The only show I ever saw him in I liked was one of those old...uh...oh, I don’t remember the name of it. But it was a movie. And he played a mute.
[laughter]
He was good! Well, he played a statue man or something. You show up and he’s [freezes into a pose].
So he didn’t have any lines. That’s why you liked him.
Yeah. He was really good in that. He was really young then. Also I like The Good Wife. And Blue Bloods. Love Blue Bloods. My Tom Selleck. Love Tom Selleck.
Well, you lost a lot of shows this year that you liked. What are you missing?
Is Big C cancelled? Because I haven’t seen anything about it.
No, it’s just not happening right now. The fourth season will be the last season, though.
Uh oh. That can’t be good. That’s not good. It is the “Big C,” after all.
Yeah. That might end up bad for her. And you lost The Closer.
Yeah. That and Medium were heartbreaking.
And you were sad about Harry’s Law.
Yes. But I wasn’t surprised about Harry’s Law, because they changed so much. It was much better the first year.
If you had your own network, it would really be a lot of procedurals. MomTV would just be cops and lawyer shows.
Yeah, yeah, and I watch Judge Judy and The People’s Court every day, too. If I’m all caught up with my shows from the night before and I’m waiting for new things to show up – tonight, let’s say – I watch Judge Judy and The People’s Court.
Who is running The People’s Court these days?
Marilyn Min..mig...min...mignon, or something like that? She’s Spanish or Hispanic, but um...and Judge Judy is...you know, Shineman, Shineland, whatever her name is. The one on People’s Court, she’s pretty funny. Not as funny as Judge Judy, though. She lets ‘em get away with too much stuff. I tried watching the Judge...um, not Joe Brown, it was another one. Alex something or other. And he just let everybody go nuts in the courtroom and I just couldn’t watch that. He lets them go nutty, you know?
Do you want to talk about Justified before we get into the assignments?
I like it. I watched the first two seasons in four days. I can’t find the next season On Demand yet, but I’ll keep looking. I like the characters. I don’t know who anybody is, but I like them. I’m surprised with how violent it is. What they can get away with these days.
That’s because you watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit!
Actually, I don’t watch that one anymore. They um, they took off the guy on that show, I can’t remember his name, you know, it’s the couple, a girl and a guy? Well, he left the show. So the girl is still there and everybody else, but I haven’t watched it a long time. And Criminal Minds I just started rewatching. Well, I haven’t seen it yet, but I taped it. That one got to be really too violent and that’s why I stopped watching it. I thought it was too much. The killing. How bad they were killing somebody.
Did you watch The Killing?
What do you mean?
There was a show called The Killing.
Never heard of it. I like Falling Skies.
So what did you watch this week?
Elementary. And I messed up in the email I sent you. Holmes wasn’t a woman, it’s Watson. Watson’s the girl. Um...he’s a little tattooed, boy. I don’t think Sherlock -- I don’t get the premise of a modern-day Sherlock Holmes who’s mentally...uh...well, a drug addict. I mean, the original Holmes was a drug addict. I mean, the character. Because there never was a real Holmes. Uh, the show’s not bad. It’s different. It’s kind of like...what’s the other show? The guy is...um...I’m watching it, too...Um...terrible, I can’t think of the name. The guy’s got a mental problem too. Um...
Is that The Mentalist?
No, although he had a problem this episode. Uh... it.... Huh. I can’t think of the name of it. Um...Hm. Can’t remember what show or what station it’s on. But he’s got...he’s a paranoid schizophrenic. And he also assists the FBI agent in solving crimes.
Really.
Yeah. Can’t think of the name of it, though. I’d have to go look at the television because it’s taped. I watch that On Demand.
Is it a USA show or a network show?
Isn’t USA a network?
I mean, um, is it one of the big four. Is it on TNT?
Name some shows on TNT.
Is it called Perception? Trust Me? Is it called Trust Me?
No. It, well...
Well, this says it’s called Perception.
Yeah, I think that’s it. And he assists the FBI.
So, Elementary. All I’ve gotten from you so far is that the guy is tattooed.
Um-humm. Um. I think I saw the pilot. It had a guy who maybe killed his wife and she was in a safe room. They couldn’t find her body. I knew where the body was before they looked for it, because I saw them walking up and down and I said, “There’s a safe room in that house.” Hee hee. I saw Panic.
Panic Room.
Panic Room, yeah. Well, it’s a safe room. Same thing, right?
No, no, no. I mean, the movie was called Panic Room.
Yeah. Jodie Foster.
That’s right. And Kristen Stewart.
I don’t know who that is. The guy –- the bad guy?
No...no, no that’s...Forest Whitaker. Kristen Stewart is a girl. She’s in the Twilight movies?
Don’t watch them. Don’t know her.
You were also asked to watch Vegas.
I just saw that last night. Um, it...um...it shows you how stupid I am, but it took me a while to figure out it wasn’t set now. I was thinking, “That’s a weird-looking hat he’s wearing.”
Remember when this happened when you watched Mad Men?
Yeah. I didn’t realize that wasn’t set now. Even when I saw the stupid old cars.
Remember we were watching Mad Men and they were talking on phones with cords and using typewriters and you just thought they were trying to dress like me?
You do dress like that. And I got Vegas in the first episode, so I’m improving. They weren’t dressed that weird. You know, he’s dressed like a cowboy and I’m watching Justified, where people dress like cowboys, and Vegas is out west, so people probably dress like cowboys there. And the mob guys, they dress...you know...kind of outlandish, fancy. But the hat was throwing me.
When is it set?
Um...when Vegas is...pretty young. It’s only on Frontier, the old part of Vegas.
Fremont Street.
That’s it, yeah. The casinos they built, I know that’s a set, because those casinos aren’t there anymore. It kind of looked like a set, but then I knew when I saw the casino across the street and I said, “That’s not there anymore.” I think it’s set in the ’60s or the ’50s. They haven’t really said yet. It has to be the ’50s. The cars were really big and old. But they weren’t the little boxy things. You know, they were long. Because ’50s, I think there were only a couple of casinos, so this is probably the ’60s. I knew it when they were talking about putting a fancy restaurant in a casino and take the sawdust off the floor, and that’s when I said, “Uh, oh. This is old.”
Did you like it?
......um. It’s hard to say just yet. I like Dennis Quaid. You know, I’ve always liked him. But the other guy I’ve never liked in anything I’ve seen him in. He was in...um... some show your sister liked. I can’t remember the name of it. Um...I’m not a mobster picture watcher. I don’t like mobsters. So, I told you in that email that I watched all the previews to see what shows I was going to like, and the shows I decided I wasn’t going to watch are the ones you guys assigned me. Mobsters really don’t interest me. I liked The Untouchables only because I liked the characters in it, you know, the movie. I wouldn’t have watched it otherwise. Your father loved all those mobster movies. Gangster movies. Because, you know... he thought he was...Marlon Brando? He thought he was a tough guy and he belonged in a gang when he was a kid. That’s—- the worst thing they ever did was light up cigarettes behind somebody’s house.
He would be mad that you’re a TV critic now.
Oh, no, not mad. Furious. Livid. Every time I think about it I just start laughing. He’d be so pissed! I can see his face! I’m trying to be nice about it but boy, he would not let this happen.
He’d be standing right behind you right now telling you why you’re wrong.
Pushing me right out of this chair to tell you about these shows. He would’ve loved Vegas. But he wouldn’t have bothered turning on Elementary for two seconds. And Elementary probably...I gotta give it a little bit more time. I think I might like it. The guy’s a little strange, and he has an accent. I always have trouble with the English accent when they talk fast, and he’s Sherlock Holmes from London.
Did you see anything else you really liked?
Hmm...well, Blue Bloods is gonna be a good one this week.
Do you watch any of the new sitcoms?
I don’t watch too much comedy. I don’t know what’s good or bad. I can never remember what the sitcoms are after I see the commercials for them. And I--- berhgh—and I though—she--- The browns—never saw—
Mom? Mom, you’re breaking up.
Never though--- rather you tell--- maybe---
Mom? Mom. Okay, you’re gone now. Totally frozen. We’re done here, anyway. I can call you back just to talk, though.
....all me?
I will call you back. Hang up and I’ll call back because I can’t hear you.
-- ay. But give – minutes--- pot---ee.
What?
WAIT FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE I HAVE TO PEE!
You got it.
Don’t put that in the—!

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