Presenting Our Very Educated Predictions About The Don't Be Tardy... Finale
I can report that I have now watched the program Don’t Be Tardy..., the Kim Zolciak-centered spinoff of The Real Housewives Of Atlanta. Generally speaking, I am not a person who watches reality TV; in fact, I am so clueless about that world that I legitimately did not know which city Zolciak was a Real Housewife Of. And yet, I was able to jump into Tardy near the end of its second season without feeling the least bit confused! That’s the mark either of a well-constructed show, or of a viewer who's very good at watching TV.
All that being said, I have some high hopes for next week’s double-episode season finale! Following are some notable tidbits from “IUADD,” along with my prediction/suggestion of how they should be paid off in the finale.
Last Episode: Kim’s fifteen-year-old daughter Brielle mentions that she’s going to meet with a “graduation counselor” at school, to ensure that she’s academically on track for college.
Next Episode: Brielle meets with the graduation counselor, who becomes more and more alarmed as he hears about the girl’s chaotic and dysfunctional home life. When Brielle drops the bomb that her mother and stepfather are planning to have yet another kid, the counselor retrieves his Georgia-mandated handgun and blows his brains out. As Brielle wipes up the blood with her Juicy sweatshirt, she cries that Kim never takes her to Sea World anymore.
Last Episode: Blaming her mood swings and lack of focus on her IUD (because, yeah, what else could be the cause?), Kim takes matters into her own hands and yanks the offending birth control device out herself, rather than wait for a doctor to do it.
Next Episode: Emboldened by her successful act of minor surgery, Kim steps it up and decides to perform a self-appendectomy, since she is now convinced that her appendix is the root of all her problems. Against all odds, the operation goes off without a hitch...until several hours later, when Kim realizes that she dropped a fake nail into her abdomen when she was sewing herself up. Kroy rushes her to the doctor, and chest X-rays show that, in addition to the press-on, she also left behind a handful of Sun Chips, two tubes of MAC “Viva Glam” lipstick, and a bottle of Grey Goose. Kim tearfully asks if she’s going to be okay; the doctor shrugs and says she’ll be about the same.
Last Episode: Dr. Malucci, Kim’s new-age chiropractor, tests her muscle reactions to predict the gender of her yet-to-be-conceived baby.
Next Episode: Dr. Malucci’s incredible capacity for precognition lands him a job at the NSA, which is struggling to rebuild its intelligence infrastructure now that many of its key programs have been exposed. Based on a brief handshake with his supervisor, Malucci predicts that nuclear war with China is imminent, and the American military springs into action with a massive first strike on Beijing. The atomic firefight that ensues wipes out half the world’s population, including, mercifully, everyone who has ever watched Don’t Be Tardy.