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Ask A Resurrected Sontaran Commander With Homicidal Impulses

Doctor Who's soldier-turned-butler is here to help worthless humans.

Q Dear Resurrected Sontaran Commander with Homicidal Impulses,

I really hope you can help me! Last week my boyfriend of eight months dumped me with no explanation. Worse yet, he did it via text! Can you believe it? I really thought he was the one, or would be once he stopped drinking so much and had his neck tattoos lasered off.

But now I keep reading what he texted over and over, looking for some deeper meaning, some smidgeon of subtext. "It was gud but its ovr/loose my #" might have been a test, right? So now I'm asking myself, did I do something to make him angry? Should I try to make amends?

I know he said to lose his number, but I really needed closure. It took me ages to get up the courage to call him, but then when I did, it went straight to e-mail! Now what should I do? I really miss him.

- Becca

A Dear Becca,

First, I suggest destroying the source of your pain with scalpel mines, an acid dip and/or a Janis thorn plugged straight into the eye. If you continue to suffer greatly over this primitive human, I also suggest you opt for a violent death via self-immolation or an automated laser monkey.

If you are feeling ambitious, however, I suggest turning a Hath blaster on him, then yourself, so that you might both have a relatively noble death of which neither of you human scum seem entirely worthy. Good luck!

Q Dear Resurrected Sontaran Commander with Homicidal Impulses,

I'd really love your opinion on this, because I am tearing out my hair! My former BFF Linds is being a total biatch about giving me back my sweater, which I totally did not loan to her. She says she didn't take it out of my closet, but I saw her wearing it right after she came over to my place, and guess what? I haven't seen it in my closet since!

She says that she bought one just like it at Ross, which is such a dig. I mean, come on I do not shop discount! My new BFF Syd thinks Linds is just jealous, but I don't care! I want my sweater back. It's cashmere!

-Zooey

A Dear Becca,

This sweater must be of great value to the continuation of your society, so I suggest you deal with this problem quickly and forcefully. Melt her brain using projectile acid fish, then retrieve the sweater and declare victory for the primitive human empire.

If you do not know the exact location of the sweater, I highly recommend interrogating her before applying the projectile acid fish. I have made this mistake before, and you will want to avoid it.

Q Dear Resurrected Sontaran Commander with Homicidal Impulses,

I am finding myself in a bit of a conundrum. I'm a school teacher, and I recently began dating a very handsome co-worker. The issue? I'm good friends (just friends, mind you) with another man who insists on tearing me away for a wild adventure just as I'm getting ready to go out on a date with Danny.

It hasn't become a real problem yet, but I know it will be. I always get back in time to go out with Danny, but it's hard to focus on getting-to-know-you chatter when you've been wrapped up in some life-or-death outing. I also feel that I'm keeping secrets from Danny, and we all know thats terrible for a relationship. Even though there's nothing between me and my friend (especially since he started looking older sorry to be so honest), he acts jealous, too.

I don't want to abandon my friend because I know he needs a companion (and no one else can really put up with him), but what can I do to balance these relationships?

-Clara

PS Please don't suggest I kill either one of them. Thanks.

A Dear Becca,

You have placed unreasonable constraints on my ability to help you. I am going to go play with my grenades.

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