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Ask A Humanoid Eye-Booger From Doctor Who's 38th Century

Wake up and take some rest-related advice from the sleep-dust monsters of Doctor Who.

Q Dear Giant Killer Humanoid Eye-Booger From The 38th Century,
I'm at my wit's end here. I sleepwalk through my days, exhausted and bleary. But when I go to bed, I'm wide awake. Without any rest at night, the next day is even harder to get through. The more tired I get, the harder it is to sleep. How can I break this cycle of exhaustion?

Sleepless In The Greater Seattle Area

A Dear Sleepless,

Here in the 38th century, we've got a system called Morpheus that compresses a night's or even a month's sleep into a matter of minutes. It's really quite marvelous. Not only has it done wonders for human productivity, it helped bring me into being. So you can see why I would recommend it so strongly. Side effects may include being entirely consumed by me, but wouldn't you prefer that to your current semi-waking nightmare? Unless of course you're writing from the 21st century, in which case I would suggest a sleep study or something.

By the way, I prefer "sleep dust" to "eye-booger." Just one of my pet peeves. I wish you the best of luck!

Q Dear Giant Killer Humanoid Eye-Booger From The 38th Century,
I've been suffering from recurring anxiety dreams in which I'm back in grade school, or about to miss a flight, or causing a car accident. The trouble is, I don't feel any anxiety when I'm awake. Everything is going great with my job, my family, my friends, and my health. What do you think I'm scared of?

Satisfied In San Luis Obispo

A Dear Satisfied,

Without knowing much about you, I might speculate that you're afraid of losing what you have. Dreams like this, even among successful people like yourself, are perfectly normal. That is, unless you use Morpheus, in which case you won't have time to dream at all. Plus your added hours of productivity will allow you to work harder to hold onto all the things you treasure so dearly. And maybe you'll find time to learn how to address people a little less offensively. Honestly, "eye-booger"?

Q Dear Giant Killer Humanoid Eye-Booger From The 38th Century,
My husband and I can't seem to get our sleep schedules into sync, I think mainly because I need so much less sleep than he does. I spend hours every week lying awake or sitting around alone while he snores the time away. I'm starting to feel as if life is passing both of us by. Do I need to slow down to his pace, or does he need to speed up to mine?

Nap-Widow From North Reading

A Dear Nap-Widow,
The solution is simple. Just get his & hers Morpheus capsules and you'll both need exactly the same amount of sleep: almost none! Failing that, maybe if you stopped using such pejorative language, your guilty conscience wouldn't be keeping you up at night. The words you use can hurt. You should try apologizing to anyone who may have heard you using language that they might consider to be racist, sexist, heteronormative, transphobic, or containing the word "booger." I'm guarantee you, someone is waiting.

Q Dear Giant Killer Humanoid Eye-Booger From The 38th Century,

We've all heard the advice that the bed is only for sleep and sex. But my problem is my apartment is too small for me to be anywhere else when I'm at home. Bed is where I read, watch TV, work, eat, cook, clean, and maintain my ant farms. Sleep and sex are just about the only things that aren't happening in my bed. Help!

Cramped In Queens

A Dear Cramped,

Normally I'd suggest you free up some space by getting rid of your bed entirely and using one of the Morpheus rental centers in your neighborhood to meet your resting needs. But honestly, what's the point? If you will persist in thinking of other beings as nothing more than various forms of snot, you deserve to be miserable, exhausted, and alone. Enjoy your bugs, dickweed.

Q Dear Giant Killer Humanoid Eye-Booger Fr---

A RaaAAAAAAHHHGHH!!!

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