Adam Rose / ABC

Dancing With The Stars Makes Us Wait For The Conclusion Of Season 24

After a ridiculously long and drawn-out finale, the show crowns another winner.

This final is two and a half hours long, and the remaining contestants will only be doing one dance for scoring by the judges -- a fusion dance that they've only known about for twenty-four hours. That's about two hours longer than it actually needs to be. As a result, you might need some help knowing which parts it is actually worth it to watch, and which parts you can easily skip, and I am here for you.

How The Three Finalists Got Here, Plus The Pros Dance

We see three clip packages that show how each finalist got to the finals. If I were the type of person to use the word "journey," I might use it here. David Ross loves his family. Rashad Jennings rehearsed a hundred hours MORE than any other contestant. (That is amazing.) Normani kind of just danced? And all of her dreams came true? Bring her grandma back, at least she was interesting. All the female pros who didn't make it to the finals, plus Heather Morris, do a routine together, and I'm mad all over again that Heather got voted out. The male pros dance and, honestly, none of these guys does anything for me. I realize that's not their job, and they are great dancers, but I'm trying to figure out if the problem is me or them. They all just seem so corny.

Past Champions Weigh In, And Eliminated Stars Return Before a Recap Of Last Night

The past champions have a lot of wisdom to dispense. You have to work hard. You have to show improvement. No one knows who's going to win. Well, that was worthless. Thanks, Donny Osmond (among others). Some of the eliminated stars (Heather Morris, Simone Biles, Nick Viall) join in a dance routine that goes both outdoors and indoors, while others (Mr. T, Charo) mostly just stand in the audience and wave.

Bonner Bolton, Nancy Kerrigan, And Recap Of Weeks 1 Through 3

Did I miss Bonner Bolton? Did I feel like he got eliminated too early? No and no. So his return is not that exciting. The recap of the first few weeks is actually fun because I forgot about Chris Kattan and Charo. Next season, someone remind me right before the finale to try to name, from memory, all the celebrities who were on that season. I’m not sure I could. Nancy Kerrigan reprises one of her routines, and she's a good dancer but she never quite got the face part down. When she should be smiling, she looks like she just ate something sour.

Nick Viall, David Ross's Candy Shop Dance

There's a clip package about Nick's crush on Maks and it feels pretty yucky since the joke is "Ha ha like manly Nick could ever actually fall for manly Maks what a joke like two men could be in love." Right? Especially for a show that is still weird about two men dancing together in performance. And then David and Lindsay reprise their male stripper routine, but they don't get scored so I'm not sure what the point of that was?

Bloopers, And Charo's Flamenco Guitar

I can't tell you ever to skip bloopers, even though these are pretty tame. You do, however, get to see Erin ask Charo (who is wearing a blue wedding dress) what it means when you wear blue on your wedding day, because they know Charo's not a virgin. Charo says she is a virgin, in her ear. Whoa. And then Charo plays flamenco guitar (she's a highly-respected musician), while Keo and Whitney dance. Charo is amazing. Where's her biopic? I bet she has some great stories.

Rashad Jennings Dances; Recap of Weeks 4 Through 6; Heather And Maks

It's always fun to watch Rashad dance, and he has so much joy in this routine set to a Bruno Mars song. Then we have to relive Heather Morris's elimination, but at least we get to see her dance again with Maks as TLC performs live! Guy, Chili does not age. She looks the same as she did in 1992. How does she do it?

Hailee Steinfeld Performs, Normani Dances

Hailee Steinfeld whatever. When Normani dances, Len and Bruno join in as backup dancers, and while Len mostly does the stand and clap, Bruno goes all out, unbuttoning his shirt and bumping and grinding all over the place.

Recap of Weeks 7 Through 9; Simone Dances

Simone really should have been in the finals. I know I got on her case for not showing authentic emotion, but she's a better dancer, technique-wise, than either of the men and maybe also Normani. I realize this isn't a contest to see who is the best dancer, or there wouldn't be a popular vote involved. I guess she can cry into her gold medals, right? The judges give her a standing ovation before she even finishes her routine.

Lady Antebellum Performs; Mr. T Skit; Dirty Dancing Routine

You can give this one a hard pass unless you really love Lady Antebellum and also skits meant to look like PSAs from the 1980s. I know there's a Dirty Dancing remake airing this week on ABC and I'm not against remakes, but in this case, what's wrong with the original? Nothing, that's what. It is a perfect movie that needs no updating.

David Ross & Witney's Foxtrot/Salsa Fusion

Nearly two hours into this finale, we finally get to some dancing that actually matters. This routine is pretty typical David Ross. Lots of energy, lots of fun, not a lot of great technique, but enough that you don't wonder why he's still on the show. It didn't blow me away, but he didn't embarrass himself. Middle of the road all the way. The judges are happy they got to experience David's whole vibe. Scores: 36/40.

Normani Kordei & Val's Argentine Tango/Foxtrot Fusion

Normani reminds me of Mel B., one of my all-time favorite contestants. Except that I think Normani's more controlled and rehearsed than Mel B., in a good way. I sometimes felt like Mel B. learned the routine quickly and didn't spend a lot of time polishing it, where Normani knows the routine cold, and it's also refined and polished. She's definitely the best dancer left. The judges can't heap enough praise on Normani, and it's well-deserved. Scores: 40/40.

Rashad Jennings & Emma's Cha Cha/Tango Fusion

I really love how Rashad almost has two characters for this routine. When he's doing Cha Cha, he's Rashad, all smiles and hip action. When he's doing tango, he straightens up his posture and is almost mocking the seriousness of the dance. It's an amazing performance. Normani's technique is better, but I'd rather watch Rashad dance. Len is kind of a grump about technique, but the other judges loved it. Scores: 39/40.

Winner Announcement

After a brief performance by One Republic, Tom announces that Normani and Val have come in third place. Holy shit. David Ross looks like he feels really bad. The audience members all have looks on their faces like "This is some shenanigans," and then give Normani a standing ovation. After a commercial break, it's finally time to find out who won. And the winner is Rashad Jennings. He looks genuinely startled. Then Tom has to herd everyone to a sparkly golf cart, which Erin Andrews drives outside. I don't love this ending. I like it better when all of the previously-eliminated couples run onto the dance floor and congratulate him. This was like, "You won! Now let's leave!" Just have the announcement outside.

Anyway, I don't want to take away from Rashad's win. As previously mentioned, he was my favorite to watch, so I'm not mad about it.

Verdict

I mean, if you loved this season so much that you want to relive every last moment of it, then you should watch. If you have two and a half hours to kill, there are so many other worthy shows you could be watching. If you have a headache and can't handle anything too intense, watch Rupaul's Drag Race or old episodes of 30 Rock or something. Don't give in to this ridiculous finale length or they will expand it further next season! Anyway, you probably already knew who won before you read this, and that's the only worthwhile development in this bloated two nights of finale nonsense.

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