Kelsey McNeal / ABC

Dancing With The Stars Hauls Out The Holly (And The Mirror Ball Trophy)

A holiday-themed finale brings back all of this year's competitors before crowning a winner.

Opening Number And Recap Of Last Night

Tonight's theme is Christmas, and normally I would get grumpy about this happening before Thanksgiving but I need a little Christmas lately, and also we got two feet of snow on Monday and my kids have had two snow days in a row, so bring on Christmas, I guess. The only important information that came out of this bit was that Laurie and Val are currently in first place, James and Sharna are in second, and Calvin and Lindsay are in third. That's probably how the final result will end up too, I'm guessing. I don't have a good grip on which of the final three has a strong fanbase.

A Quickstep, Some Recapping, And Andy Grammer

Sharna and James repeat their quickstep from earlier this season. Is it possible that James is getting worse? He looks terrified and totally in his head throughout this routine; the camerawork doesn't help when it focuses on his face instead of showing us a full body shot so we can actually see his dancing. It could be that since this routine isn't getting scored, they spend less time rehearsing it. Hey, remember when protestors got tackled on the stage when they tried to get to Ryan Lochte? And then Derek went into the audience and kicked people out, like does he get paid extra for his security work? Speaking of things I'm wondering, did Andy Grammer get a special contract when he competed on the show saying that he'd be allowed to come back and perform at least once per season? This show loves Andy Grammer.

An Argentine Tango, Maureen's Madness, Behind The Glitter, And Maks

Calvin and Lindsay reprise their "Hotel California" Argentine Tango, and I have to say, the guy singing it has that Don Henley rasp. I'm impressed. I can recognize that Calvin is not as technically beautiful in his dancing as, say, Laurie. But I just love to watch him dance. He reminds me of past winner Emmitt Smith that way. Before she dances again, the editors do a clip package where Maureen is basically macking on all the male pros and stars (and possibly camera people, producers, and food-service dudes). The next segment is actually quite watchable because it's mostly bloopers from dress rehearsals. And then Maks dances with the female pros, and they're wearing a costume that Amber wore for one routine. Why isn't Amber dancing? Do you think she refused or do you think Maks didn't want to dance with her again? Mysteries.

A Trio, Ice, Charity Work, And Babyface

Laurie and Val get to do their salsa with Maks as their dance teacher from a few weeks back. At one point, Maks is supposed to remove Laurie's hair clip and it gets stuck in her hair, and it makes me think that I would love to see a package where each of the pros reminisces about the biggest mixup from their careers, and how they covered it up. Vanilla Ice performs "Ice Ice Baby" while also dancing with Witney. I realize he could perform this song in his sleep (I think I could too) but it brings back memories of freshman year of college for me, so I'm not mad about it. At least not until Rick Perry comes out. Yeesh. After a package about visiting a children's hospital, Babyface gets to sing some Christmas songs. I'd much rather hear that than see him dance.

24K Gold, Weeks Four Through Six, And An Argentine Tango

All of the male pros (minus Derek, I think?) plus Calvin, James, and weirdly Ryan Lochte perform to "24 Karat Gold" and it's actually quite awesome. I mean, if you like extremely fit shirtless gentlemen shaking what their mama gave them. Remember when Sasha and Emma got engaged live on the show? That was strange and never mentioned again. Jana and Gleb return to perform their super sexy Argentine Tango. This version of the routine is super-sexy but also super-sloppy.

Tree Decorating, Weeks Seven Through Nine, And A Video Screen

Marilu and Tara do a holiday-themed routine that is terrible, but apparently the outdoor stage is very slippery and perhaps they were concerned about breaking a hip or something. The Macy's Holiday Dance is interesting because it features a little girl who wakes up from a dream and there's a huge video screen featuring dancers, but then sometimes the dancers come out of the screen and sometimes the girl goes into the screen. I am a rube who is always impressed by simple technology like that.

Tour Preview, Judges' Comments, And The Finalists

Hey, did you know the pros are going on tour? Now you do. The judges love Calvin's charm but point out that his size works against him because you see every mistake. James has amazing technique but sometimes dances too small, and needs to project his personality. Laurie never misses a step, but sometimes needs to show some nuance to her performances. As if we haven't waited long enough, then they introduce the finalists again, like is there anyone watching who wasn't sure who the finalists are at this point?

James And Sharna: Fusion Viennese Waltz/Foxtrot

This is a lovely routine, and very smooth, but I don't see much waltz or foxtrot in it. It comes off as a generic slow dance to me. I guess I was waiting for the fireworks factory, but neither of those dance styles have much in the way of fireworks. They did a great job with the smooth, graceful movements, though. The judges have nothing but huge praise for James both tonight and all season, and they give him a perfect 40/40.

Calvin And Lindsay: Fusion Jive/Quickstep

Given that they only had twenty-four hours to learn this routine, I am astonished by how much content is in here. I mean, the footwork alone, and Calvin doesn't miss a beat. The first segment is not my favorite, but once they break hold and start doing more jive and less quickstep, Calvin gets his groove back and turns on the charm. I'm glad he got to do something upbeat for his final routine. The judges are so happy with him, because he makes everyone happy when they watch him dance. They also give him a perfect 40/40.

Laurie And Val: Fusion Foxtrot/Argentine Tango

I think Laurie is so good, and has been so good since Week 1, that it's almost boring. She should probably win; she's the best dancer for sure. Her technique is the best, and she's incredibly consistent. I just don't feel it. And I like Laurie! I liked her in the Olympics when she would whisper to herself, "You got this!" before beginning a routine. The judges claim that she's learned to perform different parts, and that's where I disagree. She's always the same. The judges also give her a perfect score, 40/40.

Jana Sings, Third-Place Results

Oh my God, this is hilarious. Jana is singing her new single, which I guess is country? And she has this deep South accent while singing. Guys, we've heard her talk. That's not how she talks. It's so fake. And bad. Then they announce that Calvin and Lindsay are in third place, which I expected, but I'm disappointed.

Awarding the Mirror Ball

And the winners are…Laurie and Val! No big surprise there. That felt a little anticlimactic. See you next season!

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