Ask An Angel
Got a tricky problem to solve? Do like John Constantine and consult the Manny-ual.
My young son has recently become prone to night terrors. I think he needs sympathy and support, but my husband "Danny" just thinks "Hank" needs to toughen up. Which approach is the correct one? Or should it be a combination of both?
- Sleepless In Birmingham
It's your decision. You humans were granted free will long ago, which means I have no power to direct the course of events here on earth. Otherwise you'd be seeing my syndication numbers going way up into the kind of places where I usually hang out, ha ha ha! I can, however provide guidance. So I will say this: if you want to help a child, remember what it was like to be a child. That usually works, I think.
Thanks to a traumatic childhood, my disembodied soul currently wanders the earth, possessing young children to take bloody vengeance on parents like mine, and also on other parents who are nothing like mine. I used to do this pretty rarely, but lately it's becoming a more regular habit. It's starting to bother me, even though I can't quite put my finger on why. Do you have any advice to help me change this behavior?
- Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don't
Darkness is rising, and evil is quickening. You sound like a soul in torment, in desperate need of solace and succor. Not really my department. I known an exorcist I can send your way, though. Keep it up and he'll drop by eventually.
In the business I'm in, I need a tight-knit team that I know I can count on. Trouble is, from week to week I never know what bloody teammate I'm going to be working with. Is it the bloke, or the bird, or both? Or will it be some random sod I'll spend an intense week with and never see again? Blimey, how can I build the trust I need without more...constancy? Especially since I've recently learned that one of them's going to stab me in the back soon? What the bloody hell am I to do?
- Johnny Boy
It's very interesting that you should ask that. You humans don't always get to choose the people who find their way into your lives, or when they come and go. In your case, however, there is an especially fascinating reason that it keeps happening to you. You're really going to want to hear this. Unfortunately, you know that tendency of mine to turn back into an anonymous extra just when I'm about to say something revealing? It just kicked in.
I don't mean this to sound sacrilegious, but how do we know you're an angel at all? Sure, you have nice wings, but you also have creepy eyes and a short temper and you never seem to say anything helpful or encouraging. Can you give us a convincing reason that we should continue to pay attention to you?
- Nielsen Family
Well, as you say, my wingspan is quite impressive; no matter how many bells you might hear ringing this time of year, they just don't give those out every day. Plus check out the Mark on the side of my neck, and how many other guys do you know who do their clothes shopping near the end of this century? Also, I can pause the world, and believe you me, if you had gold irises you wouldn’t blink either. You'd want to show those babies off, am I right? And look, I'm not proud of this (pride being a sin and all), but sometimes snapping at some slow-witted mortal is the most efficient way to convey intensity. Now as I said before, it's not in my power to affect future events. That includes dropping spoilers. But stick around, Nielsens. Something's coming, and you're going to want to put it in your diary. Trust me.