Screen: NBC

Ask A Weird Old Magician

Who's better at career and relationship advice than a creepy old magician? No one, that's who!

Q Dear Weird Old Magician,

I'm trying to break into show business. I was considering starting as a standup comedian, then taking some improv classes, and then maybe get a job on a sitcom. But that could limit my career prospects, you know? So maybe I'd be better off starting on Broadway, so I'm taken seriously as a dramatic actor. What would you recommend for someone who wants to be successful in the next five to ten years?

Roberto

A Dear Roberto,

Please. Call me Mr. Faust. In fact, you know what? Call me Felix. We're simpatico, you and I. We both understand what it is to have gifts that the world refuses to recognize. And we know that sooner or later, the world will be forced to bow to our genius. In my case, I will cause a wave of terror and disease so great that even the mightiest magicians of the age will gasp in horror. In your case, you might get a job reenacting someone's emergency room disaster or maybe an ill-advised tattoo decision. We are truly meant for greatness, you and I.

So here is what you must do. Follow these instructions exactly. Exactly, do you understand? You must first gather three items of mystic power. Find one of those dollar coins with Sacajawea, a hair from Grumpy Cat's tail, and the top hat from Jeane Dixon's personal copy of Monopoly. Then bring them here. I will trade you an enchanted phone. This phone has the mystic power to get through to any agent in Hollywood. But beware, for the phone carries a terrible curse: twice per day, without warning, Letterpress will reject a word that you know perfectly well is legitimate.

Q Dear Weird Old Magician,

How come guys like you are always posted up in abandoned warehouses and train stations and that sort of thing? Have you ever considered renting some nice office space? You could decorate it to your own taste! And you wouldn't have to be constantly checking the business section of the local newspaper to find out what warehouses were going to be left open. Think about it!

Dorothy

A Dear Dorothy,

Thank you so much for your question. As you can imagine, your impertinence is not appreciated. You have an eternity of pain to look forward to. Perhaps, in the centuries to come, you will reflect on the foolishness of provoking a sorcerer such as I.

However, as long as we're here, I see no reason not to answer your question. The truth is, abandoned warehouses and train stations are very inexpensive. They are, not to put too fine a point on it, free. And while consorting with demons confers a great deal of supernatural power, it doesn't necessarily provide a steady income. I can't push my Grand Design forward if I'm always having to worry about paying rent. And besides, it's my understanding that even the most understanding landlord will raise objections to finding the carpet soaked with goat's blood.

Q Dear Weird Old Magician,

How can I find out if a boy likes me?

Alex

A Dear Alex,

This couldn't be simpler. Start by stealing one soul. Then another. And another. You want to amass a collection of at least fifty souls. And that's just a minimum. You'd be better off with a hundred. People will start to notice when their friends and loved ones drop to the sidewalk in a coma, but do not be deterred. Just keep collecting souls. As many souls as you can. Three hundred. Five thousand. More souls than anyone has ever collected. Do anything it takes to get those souls. Consort with demons. Lie. Steal. Murder your own mother if you have to. Just continue with the souls. More. More! You can't stop now! What if you had a million? What if you had a BILLION?! You'd be truly unstoppable then. And with that much power, you could get even more souls. All the souls on Earth. All the souls in the afterlife. All the souls in the past and in the future. Souls, delicious souls! Let nothing sway you from your goal. Nothing!

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