Screens: MTV

Dog Eat Dog

Keyonnah is 60% sure she happened to find the real movie star/TV host/recording artist Bow Wow online. (Hopeless romantic Nev is at, like 75%.)

The Client

Keyonnah, a young lady from Cameron, NC.

The Beloved

"Someone who appears to be the rapper Bow Wow," currently living in New York, where he hosts BET's 106 And Park.

The Clues

Keyonnah is pretty sure Bow Wow's whole story checks out, but the clues for us are: she contacted him through his Facebook fan page and he wrote back that day with his phone number, whereupon they immediately started texting; the Facebook page she originally used to message him has since been taken down; they've never videochatted. The only digital connection she has to him anymore is texts (and though no one asks this, he apparently hasn't texted her any photos of himself either).

The Excuses

In all the time Keyonnah and Bow Wow have been in contact, he's somehow never been anywhere that has a strong enough internet signal for him to videochat with her. And yet! Via his assistant, Larry Brown, Bow Wow has sent Keyonnah more than $10,000, and who in this country even has $10,000 apart from triple-threat celebrities?

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The Investigation

Obviously, every "investigation" these clowns do is a joke, but given the paucity of evidence that Bow Wow has supplied for Keyonnah, this one is maybe the most farcical yet. Trying to search whom the phone number is registered to leads to some lady and is an obvious dead end. Searching for a "Larry Brown" on Facebook leads to countless results, OBVIOUSLY. Belatedly, it occurs to Nev that THIS SHOW THEY ARE CURRENTLY ON AIRS ON MTV and that SOMEONE AT THE NETWORK MIGHT HAVE HAD DEALINGS WITH BOW WOW BEFORE. According to Sandra, of MTV Media Relations, Bow Wow does have an assistant, but his name is Ant.

The closest thing to actual evidence they uncover, on either side, is an interview in which Bow Wow says that his daughter now lives in Los Angeles, and that he Skypes with her, because obviously, the "bad connection" story is complete nonsense. I think Skype is reliable at least half the time when used in this well-connected country IF I CAN USE IT TO TALK TO MY PARENTS IN KARACHI, PAKISTAN, OKAY?

The Presentation Of Findings

"We found a bunch of stuff," Nev lies. After unveiling it all, he states that he's "99% sure" that the person Keyonnah's been talking to is not, in fact, Bow Wow. Keyonnah can't believe it, because he kept busting out details about what Bow Wow was doing -- going to concerts, driving to hotels -- that she couldn't confirm actually lined up with the real Bow Wow's itinerary in any way! She cries that she just feels "so stupid." "Don't forget, this happened to me also," Nev says reassuringly. Yes, Nev. You are also stupid.

As Keyonnah sits on tenterhooks, Nev texts Bow Wow to suggest a meeting. Bow Wow texts back immediately asking who Nev is. Nev explains, and says it would be easiest to speak on the phone. Bow Wow states that he is "very busy" filming 106 And Park and can't talk right now. Max urges Nev to tell Bow Wow they don't think he...is Bow Wow, to which Bow Wow shirtily replies: "Your [sic] right. I'm not Bow Wow. I'm Shad Moss," blah blah blah filming his show can't talk bullshitcakes. Long story short: Bow Wow texts the next day to say he's going to be in Atlanta and will meet Keyonnah at his cousin's house.

The Confrontation

So is it Bow Wow?

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Out of the "cousin's house" comes what I take, at first, to be an extremely confident boy of fifteen or so, introducing himself as "Dee," but adding, "My stage name is Dee Pimpin." I think Max has the same impression of Dee that I do, because he asks, "...How old are you?" Dee says twenty-three, which is when I belatedly figure out that Dee is either, as Keyonnah puts it, "a girl," or a transman. Dee goes into the whole "I only lied about my identity but my feelings were real" spiel, but Keyonnah -- who seems more embarrassed than angry -- says she's not gay. Dee explains that she created the fake Bow Wow Facebook page as a honeypot to trick ladies, and that she shut it down once she'd trapped Keyonnah in it (I'm paraphrasing). Max points out that straight girls like Bow Wow, and Dee shrugs, "For me, I like a challenge." Max dubiously asks how Dee thought this was going to end up once the deceived straight girl met Dee, and Dee's like, "[shrug.]" At this point, I am kind of rooting for Dee to pull this off. You have to admire the swagger, you guys!

So how about that money? Dee says she's a full-time musician...making her living at open mics...that pay "$1000, $300, $500." Hmmm.

So how about those phone calls Keyonnah had with "Bow Wow"? "That was my cousin," says Dee. WHOOPS, KEYONNAH HAD PHONE SEX WITH SOME DUDE.

While Keyonnah goes to the car with Nev to compose herself, Max gets into the nitty-gritty of how Dee passes herself off as a man when she gets with straight girls. Apparently, a lambskin-covered dildo is involved.

The Post-Confrontation Confrontation

Other than the story that Dee borrowed the money she sent Keyonnah not from shows, but from well-wishers who want to support Dee's music career (a career that is apparently totally non-existent online, when Nev Googles her stage name), no new information is supplied in this segment. Dee still hopes Keyonnah will get past Dee's sex and engage in a romantic relationship with her. Keyonnah won't hug her, but will shake hands.

The Aftermath

One month later: after being confronted with the evidence of how credulous she is, Keyonnah's taking a break from dating. Dee has texted Keyonnah, who has not responded; Dee also got a job and is saving money to pay back the friends who lent her all the money she sent Keyonnah.

The Life Lessons Learned

Celebrities don't actually respond to random fans that message them through their Facebook fan pages. In fact, celebrities -- even at Bow Wow's level -- probably have nothing to do with their Facebook fan pages at all? And when the Facebook fan page you used to contact the celebrity you've been online dating spontaneously disappears, that probably means it wasn't legit? All that said: sending money to your romantic online mark will go a very long way toward selling your bullshit story.

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