'Sex Out '96' Means Different Things To Different People In Beverly Hills, 90210's Visual Aids

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Is this camera spin mirroring the way Joe's head is spinning at the news that the coach has replaced him on the football team due to his as-yet-undiagnosed cardiac issues? WE JUST DON'T KNOW, IT'S SO SUBTLE.

It also could be that Joe's finally been hit by the realization that he's dating the girl with the worst hair at CU.

Sarah has lodged a formal complaint with the Department of Grammar regarding the lack of a hyphen in the name of Donna's event.

Gee, Susan, maybe Brandon wouldn't even notice that Jonathan sent a Valentine's bouquet that dwarfs his if you didn't act so squirrelly before you even looked at the card.

Celebrate Valentine's Day by abstaining from sex for twenty-four hours! And to make sure you never forget every second that you're not fucking, here's a countdown clock!

That's funny, Donna's making the same face in her nightwear that we made at her nightwear.

There's no question who has the best boobs on this show (Val), but hats and bras off to Clare for giving Val's a run for their money!

SPOTTED: the state bird of '90s hair.

Did David spring for the caf's fresh-squeezed OJ or cheap out with its off-brand Sunny D? Given that his Valentine's gift is A POEM, probably the latter.

Again with the symbolic friendship bracelets on this show.

At least someone is having fun Sexing Out.

Nice right hook, Keats!

TFW your girlfriend punches the guy you're too short to reach.

That's funny, David's making the same face in this sexual extortion plotline that we made at this sexual extortion plotline.

Looks like Val got the portrait-posing bug after Colin's auction prize and now is preparing to be memorialized by Margaret Keane.

WELL WELL WELLY WELL WELL look who's the expert on interventions all of a sudden!

Oy with the indicating, Garth.

The good news is that Brenda and Brandon's Cousin Bobby has recovered from his paralysis. The bad news is that he's calling himself Danny 5 and he's a coke dealer now.

Colin and Kelly have new drug friends! And they all DRINK BEER together!!!

Kelly might be disappointing her old friends, but we aren't mad at this hair or eye makeup.

The only thing more clichéd than Kelly's constant nose-rubbing: this drug box.

Is this tilted camera angle mirroring Kelly's off-center mental state? WE JUST DON'T KNOW, IT'S SO SUBTLE.

Is Danny 5 more David Faustino or 2017 Johnny Depp? You be the judge!

Putting the "nah" back in "ménage à trois": these three idiots.

"Stick to the blocking we discussed, Gordon, you weirdo."

Kelly gets her power back. Thanks, wine!

Let's all take a moment to back in this gloriously perfect vanity-free frame. [slow clap]

And here comes Brandon, with all his qualifications, to save Kelly. Whaaaaaaaatever.