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More Like 'Worst Side Story'

All the Brandescension, gutless parenting, and incorrect denim narratives from Beverly Hills, 90210's 'East Side Story.'

Clap an ear on the latest "Again With This" podcast, then "enjoy" the auxiliary visuals!

Why is La Gibson answering the phone at MC Hammer's office? Why does MC Hammer have an office? What's with the pooch?

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Nice pokerface, Cindy.

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Permission to come a-barf, Admiral Martin!

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Cue Pepe Le Pew cartoon hearts.

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Though it's better than the actress playing Karla can muster...

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...even in the face of Entitlement Bray.

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And yet, Karla lets Brandon bring her to the Pit. Here she is gettin' free clothes, pie, and an eye-bang from the staff.

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Which is a good deal more than Ohhhhhhhhhndrea will be getting in this kids'-robot-costume cropped alterna-panel mess she's wearing.

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It's like two braided rugs exploded while Doing It. Shut up, 1991.

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Brandon Walsh in The Telltale Primp; or, Secretly Hoping Others Have A Problem With My Stalkee's Race So I Can Blare Into Their Faces With The Help Of A Platform Heel.

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OMG, this little flappy. Does it decrease his wind resistance?

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Dancin' at the rec. Hey, Karla borrowed that massive babydoll from Marianne Moore!

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Yes, by all means let's presage the overwrought self-importance of the Donna Martin Graduates episode by blaring off into the fourth dimension after a single, barely even first-base smooch sesh. (Castanets, what do YOU think?)

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Another entire camel leg on Brenda. The thing is, her butt looks great in these. It's just really not okay at noon, nahmean.

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"And also with you, Brother Walsh."

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"Karla Montez...Circulates! ...Needs work. Better bray on it."

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Brandon's blerfy sweater. (Sorry, Tara's Gramma.)

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Cindy's blerfy dress. (Sorry, everyone else.)

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Shout-out to our esteemed colleague John Ramos, who notes that the wife of this couple is mic'd, the Walshes are mic'd, but the husband either is not, weirdly, or is doing some kind of Beaker bit to fuck with his hosts.

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"Something something something foxy?" "No, Jim."

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The Brandon meltdown is about to get underway for real (in fact, both of your editrices clipped the exact same screenshot for Brandon's portrait sulk), but first, Chick Schneider is a cerdo and even these two hornpups are like, geehhhhh-ross.

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The fatuous face on this little fartknocker when he tricks a girl who has turned him down now, by our count, seven times?

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Hee!

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"Colonel, take us to BrayCon 2."

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"You see, there's a man named Jack McKay. He gave me these pants for safekeeping, and I must return to Sacramento. This is my sacred vow."

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I'd really love to hear the model name of this atrocity. "Sex-Trafficked Conway Twitty"? "Quilt Chamberlain PCP"? Also: obviously ski-wear, not beach-wear.

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