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Clare Missed Nothing Over The Beverly Hills, 90210 New Year's Eve But Has To Hear All About It Anyway

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L.A. local news fixture Sam Rubin checks in from a time when his hair was a lot taller.

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Clare discovers she's going to spend a whole episode having dumb stories recited into her face. Frankly, this expression could stand to be 500% pissier.

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Steve starts 1996 being mortified by a shocking waste of paper...and also a mess perpetrated by his shitty half-brothers.

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Shhh, no one tell Steve about the scroll of TP stuck to his foot, he's already so mad!

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Did someone say "shitty half-brothers"? Meet Ryan and Austin! Hi, Randy Spelling! Your sister owes you a muffin basket for making the nepotism on her behalf seem less egregious.

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We're gonna make STUFF in this club!

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Val? Exactly.

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How did shaving cream come to the Peach Pit After Dark parking lot? Did Ryan and Austin show up to the club packing? Did they get ejected, go on a Walgreens run, and come back? Did Nat give it to them?

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How Steve got his black eye: from a completely unapologetic Corrs roadie.

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Right-click to save this one for your Reactions folder. Someone may get arrested soon and you may want to use this to gloat about it on Twitter.

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Corn Shooters? Does one serve them with Tequila Smacks?

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Supervising Austin and Ryan's yard work sentence is kind of sentencing yourself in the bargain, isn't it, gang?

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Susan is pushing away the famous Jonathan Casten both because she doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend, and because said boyfriend's hate rays have just raised her temperature over 100 degrees.

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Just the one bracelet wasn't enough, JONES?

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Here's Jonathan at his actual introduction, angling his head waaaaaaay down to look at Brandon.

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Susan loks miserable as Jonathan makes a phone call in her office...

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...but if you think that might make Brandon realize he has no reason to give her his good old flat-loathing glare, think again!

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Hands up if you had this outfit and think Brandon is a cock!

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...COCK.

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That Clare can manage to smile while Donna's stupid bird won't shut the fuck up is a testament to her determination to be a good roommate. Tara would have set it "free" days ago.

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Val's angry expression isn't due to David's failure to match her dressy level for Colin's dumb daytime party, but it could be.

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Kelly doesn't know what's going on between Val and Colin, but she knows she'd better be a bitch about it.

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Like, a real bitch.

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FUCKING DAMN BIRD.

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Chill Extra (over Colin's left shoulder) is Chill.

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If we had the technical know-how, this would be a ten-minute clip of Val just pulling things out of her cleavage -- an ashtray, a guinea pig, a kayak....

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Nice parade suit, MOM.

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Nice nude lip for that bitchface.

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Zzzzzzzz.

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Beaaaaaarf.

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"Barf" withdrawn due to anti-bird content.

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And fine, Donna looks happy and pretty.

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Here's hoping nothing happens in 1996 to break her HEART.

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